- 2 years ago
I have hit rock bottom with my 10 year old son with ADHD and possible High Functioning Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder. He is not currently on any medication and the last doctor we saw wasn’t the most helpful.
That said, I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I have tried everything and nothing has worked. He is my first child so I have no prior experience to compare what behavior is normal and what isn’t. He doesn’t seem to have a personality and I find it really off putting and difficult to form a bond with him because he doesn’t seem like a real person a lot of the time. He never played with toys and has no imagination. I found myself bored with him often no matter how many times I tried to come up with things for us to do. If they weren’t video games then he either wouldn’t try or showed no interest.
Screens are all that matter to him. He’s very lazy and always takes the easy way with everything, but I’m not sure if that’s normal for kids his age. He’s actually good at throwing and catching a baseball, and usually these kids aren’t, but he hates doing it. He hates doing everything except watching TV and video games.
He lies constantly. Which is the one thing we do not tolerate in this house. It’s the one thing he does no matter what. Even over silly things that don’t need to be lied about. He knows the punishment will be much more severe if he lies but he seems to think the risk is worth it. It scares me how easily he can lie to my face and he will commit to the lie even when it’s obvious hes lying. It makes me angry.
He forgets absolutely everything. He has chores he can’t ever remember to do. We even had him put a chore list on the door and he doesn’t follow it. They are simple things like cleaning up the toys and things from common areas at the end of the day, feeding the cat and dog in the evening, rinsing off his plate/bowl before he puts it in the sink, cleaning up toys from the yard at the end of the day. There are things I ask him to do a certain way like when hes done with his homework to put it in his folder for school immediately because he was forgetting it everyday. But instead he goes and throws the homework on his bed, next to his folder. I feel like he does these things to piss me off sometimes. And when I get frustrated he seems clueless. I have tried every way I can think of to get him to listen to us and follow rules and he almost always does the opposite or what he thinks makes sense to him regardless of what we told him.
He has no common sense and always does things in a strange way. He doesn’t think anything through. Like he would literally try to fit a square peg in a round hole and sit there frustrated wondering why it wont go in. I don’t know how to not get frustrated with this. As much as this makes me feel terrible to say, I honestly feel like he can do very few things right.
His lack of motivation and effort bothers me immensely. He doesn’t care to try in anything in life, he never puts his all into anything. I hurt my back two weeks ago and he came to the grocery store with me. I asked him to lift a case of water into the cart for me and he bent down, barely tried, and said that he couldn’t do it. I was angry because I know that he could he just doesn’t want to. So I did it and then asked him to do it from the cart to car and to try his hardest and asked him if he was and he said no. Just what?! What kind of kid doesn’t want to help his injured parent?
Don’t all kids want their parents to be proud? I want to be proud of him but I feel like I never get an opportunity to do so unless I’m going to throw a dance party because he brushes his teeth.
I admit I lose my temper and I can’t seem to control it. I get to the point that I blow up on him and tell often. Because I’m so far past my limit I just can’t even deal anymore. I watch him interact with other kids and I feel envious that they are so much more mature and “normal.” He stands out like a sore thumb. And then I feel immense guilt because I’m his mother and I’m supposed to be his biggest fan. But the feeling just isnt there. I don’t feel bonded to him. I find him strange, and awkward, and lazy.
I have tried to find things we can do and enjoy together but unless it’s a video game or involves me buying him something he wants, he’s never happy. He never touches me, we have a very strange physical relationship and have for years. He gives me an awkward hug every night before bed and barely touches me and that’s it. I’ve asked and shown him several times how to give an actual hug but he always reverts back to his hug.
He’s so disorganized at school no matter how many times I set him up for success. I would have to do everything for him. I didn’t have trouble in school at his age and I was very meticulous with my belongings and my grades so it’s just hard for me to relate to him. I just can’t understand why he can’t follow directions at school and take his notes like everyone else. He guesses at his homework because he’d rather get it wrong than take the time to find the actual answer.
I just can’t relate to him in any way. And I feel awful. We’ve tried reward charts, taking away privileges and game time (the only thing that semi works but still not much), talking to him, pleading with him, yelling at him, and spanking( We were at our wits end and DH is old school). But I have a bad habit of grabbing his arm when he won’t answer me and sometimes his chin. I know it’s wrong and I feel awful after I do it. I just want him to listen to me and answer the questions I ask him. Instead he just stares or says “I dont know.” I’m so tired of hearing that phrase I could scream. Just this morning it happened because apparently he lost his brand new name brand sweatshirt at school weeks ago and never said anything. I asked where it was and he said he cant find it. I look all over the house and he stands there watching me, then I have to ask if it’s at school and he says well I didnt see it there. Then I look around more and say is it possible you lost it at school weeks ago and you know that. He said yes after much staring and me reminding him not to lie again.
I don’t know what to say except I don’t feel like I’m the right mother for my son. I feel so overwhelmed and over my head here. I get almost no enjoyment from his company anymore, isn’t that awful? I try to do a movie night or game night once a week to connect with him but I usually just end the night feeling like I completed a chore. What is wrong with me?
I feel so guilty because we are forever scolding him because he messes something up constantly. I rarely get a chance to praise him but make a huge effort to whine I see something he does correctly. DH says I’m being too hard on myself and that we are only reacting to how DS behaves. But I feel like I’m doing something terribly wrong and I know losing my temper is wrong. I just feel so helpless and I know its irrational but I get frustrated that he puts me through this. I think why can’t I just have a normal kid who doesn’t put me through this hell.
I’m a horrible person and I know it but I just don’t have the energy to figure out how to fix our relationship with our child.
I’ve needed to write this down for a very long time. Advice is welcome, please keep the insults to a minimum. I already know I’m a terrible mother. I just feel like I wasn’t meant to be his mom.