I feel like I'm failing as a mom, because I am.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Bee, you do not sound like a bad mum.  But, and I say this gently, you do sound slightly in denial that your child has a disorder. 

It sounds to me that you are still parenting him like you would a “normal” (for want of a better word) child and expecting good results.  If he is on the spectrum/has a disorder this simply will not work. 

His diagnosis and treatment need to be your top priority.  You mentioned an autism support group that you speak with, ask them for recommendations.  Your current doctor is not helpful.  See as many as you need in order to start getting answers. 

Know that medication is a requirement.  Know that it will take time to find the right combination or right dosage.  

Everything will improve once you have the proper tools.  

Post # 32
Member
4226 posts
Honey bee

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youngbrokebride :  neurotypical is the better word to use. 🙂

Post # 33
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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zl27 :  Sorry I’m not up with all the PC language.  I thought I had done enough to avoid being jumped on, guess not.  Normal is grammatically correct and I do not mean any negative connotation by it.  

Post # 34
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Actually, I guess I’m kind of pissed that you’re laying hands on your autistic child. No child deserves that and someone with altered functioning is especially vulnerable. I just feel so sad for your son that his mom treats him like that.  You’re an adult. There’s no excuse to grab, pinch, hit or physically dominate a child in anger. 

Post # 35
Member
4226 posts
Honey bee

youngbrokebride I did not jump on you. I just thought you would appreciate knowing the proper term since you said “for want of a better word.” Hell, I even tried to convey tone with a damn smiley face. But I guess you aren’t interested in learning.

p.s.

Grammar 

Noun

The whole system and struxture of a language or of languages in general, usually taken as consisting of syntax and morphology and sometimes also phonology and semantics.

Post # 36
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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zl27 :  she didn’t ask to be taught or lectured. 

OP you’re not a bad mom and I hope you get all the help you need, and then some. Best of luck. The bees on here have given some great advice. 

Post # 37
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It sounds like you and your son need more help. Keep looking for a doctor until you find one who can help. He needs a more accurate diagnoses so that he can get the correct treatment.

I also suggest you get help for yourself. I’d talk to someone and see if maybe you can get some family therapy. A good therapist should be able to give you suggestions on how to handle his behavior issues.

I’m sure it is extremely challenging to have a kid who has these issues. I work with children and some of them are on the spectrum. I really enjoy spending time with those kids, but I know it is really challenging for their parents. It’s not like you were born with the training to take care of him. Please keep seeking help for you and your son. I’m sending hugs your way! 

Post # 38
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

You’ve received a lot of good advice here already, so I just want to pop in and remind you that you are NOT a bad mom. You are doing the best you can with the resources you have.

I will echo what some bees have mentioned about ABA therapy. My cousin is a licensed ABA therapist and those people do that job because THEY LOVE IT. My cousin works with kids of all ages on all ends of the spectrum- some who have issues using the bathroom, some who bite her, punch her, you name it. But she loves every single one of those kids and thinks they are adorable.

She used to make house calls for therapy sessions to help kids with behaviors in-home, similar to what you’re describing with your son. The ABA therapist can come up with a plan/program for you guys to do at home in between sessions. (She will be the first to tell you that there will be little to no improvement if you rely on the sessions alone.) The earlier the kids get the help they need, the more high-functioning they tend to be.

Check it out. 🙂 And stop beating yourself up. <3

Post # 39
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

First let me send you a big virtual hug!! 

My son has a Sensory Processing Disorder, and when we found the correct occupational theraphyst pur lives changed. He is 8 and was doing occupational theraphy since he was 3 (I am a teacher and I see red flags everywhere) but until a neuro pediatric gave us the SPD diagnose and pointed us to the right specialist I didnr see a significant change

keep looking!! There is so much the right people can do for him!!! 

And dont beat yourself! Younare doing the best you can! 

Post # 40
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

I agree with an above poster.   I am not saying your a bad mother, but you should not be touching your child in anger.    No parent should.    If you feel the need to discipline, then please wait until you no longer feel angry.   

 

How would you feel if someone grabbed you in anger?   It is very disconcerting and upsetting.   Imagine if you could not process it through typical cognitive means.

Post # 41
Member
41 posts
Newbee

I scanned the comments briefly and didn’t see this mentioned. Him wetting his pants could be related to autism as well. Bodily awareness can be a challenge for these kids, and as unbelievable as it sounds, sometimes they really aren’t aware that they need to go until it’s an absolutely emergency. 

This doesn’t change how frustrating his behavior is, but it does change how you can start fixing it. Unfortunately, discipline won’t help him be more aware of his body, so if this is really his problem, it would just be confusing for him. Agreeing with everyone else – your family deserves professional help. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time accessing it, but please don’t give up until you find doctors who are willing to work with you (without judgment!).

Post # 42
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hey OP, any update on how things are going with your son? How are you feeling ?

Post # 43
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

View original reply
snowdrops :  

I have little to comment as I have 0 experience at all with kids or ADHD but if you arent already I highly recommend looking for some parenting programs for yourself and your son so you have local parents in your shoes who can give you a support system. 

Secondly one paragraph caught my eye- arent children meant to want to make thier parents proud? – no. There was alot of childhood trauma for myself and my siblings- while i did crave their approval I would show indifference at their pride so they felt i didnt care what they felt and that i did well regardless of their input and I did classes the opposite of their recommendation. My little sister has famously done as she pleases knowing they love her and will always forgive her so shes been a tyrant. 

obviously your son has a different situation but trust me theres plenty of kids who deliberately wreck hell on their parents. This wont necessarily make you feel better about it… sorry :/

 

and for what its worth you are not a bad mother. Bad mothers dont worry if they are good or not. You care and are setting a huge standard for yourself – you are a good mother  xxx

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