Post # 1
OK Ladies – here is the deal….
Im a very sexual person. Not overly, but I pretty much am thinking something about sex most of the day. I fantasize at night and I masturbate a few times a week.
I had read a post earlier today about how a woman is very turned on and ready to go and then her husband comes into the pic and POOF… gone is her libido. This is what is happening to me!
I look at Darling Husband (2 years married, 5 total years together) and im just not attracted anymore. This really sucks!!
I started this post about sex but its also the emotional point of it as well.
of COURSE i want to be attracted to my husband!! But I feel like I dont know if I can force it.
back to the sex for a moment…. we havenet had sex in probably 2 weeks due to schedules and we got a puppy so he has been killin us, but we went to have sex last night (me not turned on at all) and nothing I did could get me going and it really came into picture as I was looking at him, that im just simply not attracted to him anymore.
Now, back before I met him I was the wild girl on campus basically…. If a guy wasnt doing it for me anymore, id just leave.
but i DONT want that!!! I want to fix our marriage and bring back the intimacy and sexuality!
Im 28 years old and I dont want to have a sexless life.
Any advice would be great and appreciated!
Post # 3
Posting bc I’m in the same boat as you and it SUCKS. We’ve only been married just over a year and I’ve lost the attraction. We haven’t had sex for 2 months (since our anniversary). 😮
Post # 4
My friend and I were talking about this exact thing recently. Maybe it’s a phase of the relationship? Sometimes I feel so turned on looking at him I can’t stand it and sometimes I’m not feeling it! My advice would be to take some time to appreciate everything else you value about him. See if your feelings change again. I wonder if it could even be our hormones, as in when we’re ovulating they look a lot better!! lol
Post # 5
Thanks ladies!! I feel like a total ass bc of this, but I just cant help it.
Even thinking about it now….. His personality irritates me and we have been in this funky place for about 6 months +
I dunno. the only word is “Sucks” lol
Post # 6
@MeganTacky2247: It seems like you’ve posted a number of threads about a similiar issues; have you looked into counseling? You mentioned that you are not only not sexually attracted to him but that his personality irritates you. Even if this is just a phase (which based on your past posts it looks like you’ve expressed some sort of unhappiness with your sex life/aspect of your relationship for awhile) counseling can help tons! There is no shame in it. You can’t solve a problem unless you are both aware of it. Good luck to you both and I hope things get better soon!
Post # 7
ErinC6 Thank you!! Yes, we have been in this “rut” for a while. We will break out but then we just fall right back into it. Along the way I have always been attracted to him however, this “unattracted” thing has been recent.
Sometimes I get to the point where I dont know why we got married and I hate that I am thinking that way, but I cant just make it stop.
I have brought some of these issues up with him and he will try harder for a about a week to be more “attentive, compasionate, nice, etc…” but then it just stops again… but thats a whole different bag of issues. haha
Im not even sure of the first step TO counseling. Any advice??
Just google “marriage counsler” ?? 🙂
Post # 8
I don’t get it because I’ve never felt that way in my relationship, but I am going to guess it has nothing to do with his looks and more to do with problems between the two of you.
Post # 9
@MeganTacky2247: No shame! Maybe try searching counseling in your area and see if anyone has reviews, to help narrow it down. It totally sucks to feel this way! I went through it too and we managed to come through the other side. I have to add that I think it’s normal to get irritated when you’re adjusting to living with someone. I think so many people give up instead of working out the kinks and hanging in there. You could find that this allows you to develop into a deeper and truer intimacy than you’ve ever experienced before.
Post # 10
I would make a list of all the things that made you fall in love with your Darling Husband and all the reasons you married him. Include physical things along with the “Oh he’s so sweet” stuff too because let’s be honest, nobody looks at a person who is an ugly ogre and thinks “Hmm, I’ll marry that one!”. So obviously in the beginning, your Darling Husband was attractive to you. Get as specific as possible. Then think about what’s missing from that list now. Has he put on a few pounds? Has he let himself turn into a farting, sweat pant wearing masterpiece because you guys are comfortable with each other? You mentioned his personality is irritating, think about why that is. Then talk to him about these things (in a nice way, don’t deflate him). Counselling sounds like a good idea too.
ETA: If you do your comparison list, and you’re stuck as to what’s different, maybe you need to reflect on yourself or your relationship as a whole.
Post # 11
@MeganTacky2247: That’s an easy way to do it usually. Most counselors have websites and some even have reviews so you can find someone who would work for you. If you have insurance, depending on what it is, they might cover it as well – I would look up “marriage family counseling (name of insurance) (name of city)” 🙂 good luck!!
Post # 12
@MeganTacky2247: I’m just like you…very sexual person! I figured it would die off once I got into my 30s but it’s worse than ever.
I’ve had issues with Darling Husband in the past and I can say that I don’t feel sexually attracted to him (not physically) but b/c of the way I’m viewing him at the time. Darling Husband says I’m “like a dude” b/c I don’t mix emotions with sex…which used to be true. But we’ve shared a level of intimacy I’ve never had with anyone so when he’s pissed me off….I have no interest in being intimate.
The most recent time (very recently) this happened, I started to go back to the basics and just be friends. We were having such a good time (took a couple of days) that I eventually couldn’t keep my hands off of him.
You mention the last 6 months…can you pinpoint the reason for this?
Post # 13
@MeganTacky2247: is he not giving you the attention that’s needed to be attracted to him? Both sexually and emotionally? Are you just sexually frustrated so his personality is irritating too?… I know that sometimes when Darling Husband and I don’t see each other much or get good quality time together I get annoyed with him, sick of him(even tho we have that lack of time together).. And therefore I don’t wanna have sex with him….
Post # 14
If this was JUST a sex rut, then I’d tell you to wait it out. A few months ago I lost attraction to my guy suddenly, and I didn’t know why. He just didn’t turn me on, and it broke my heart. I still loved him for his personality and character though. But then things turned up and the physical attraction returned. It was just a brief phase.
But if there are bigger issues, and you find yourself also turned off by his personality, then I’d definitely seek some outside help.
Post # 15
Thank you everyone!!! This is absolutely been some great advice!!
I really appreciate it!!
Post # 16
I’m sorry that you’re struggling and I think it’s commendable that you’re seeking help. We recently began going to counseling. It has been challenging work, but so, so worth it. We both thought that all our problems centered on my wife. Turns out there are things I’ve had to work on too. Imagine that, huh? Lol I searched for a counselor on psychologytoday.com there’s a section labeled find a therapist. The first one we saw was a dud, we just cut our losses and tried again and the one we settled on is great. When we started counseling I didn’t know if we’d be able to make our marriage last. Now I’m starting to feel like we’ll have the tools to make it last and it might be really amazing. The one best take away I’ve learned so far was to try to change my thinking about my wife. She loves me, she respects me, she tries to make me happy and keep me satisfied. I had gotten to wear I was always assuming the worst about her, without even knowing I was doing that. Now when I’m feeling ignored, for example, I think, she loves me, she wants what’s best for me, this probably isn’t personal. Then I’m able to decide if I need to be more clear about my needs or if maybe she needs something greater at that time. Good luck! I’m proud of you for seeking help.