- 5 years ago
I’ve lurked these boards for quite a while but this is my first post, because it’s Friday night and I’m feeling kind of bummed out. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years (I’m 32, he’s 31) and neither of us has been married before and we don’t have any children or pets or anything.
When we first met and started dating, I had recently moved back in with my parents (I’d gotten laid off and had a difficult time finding a new job) and he rented a house with a bunch of roomates. About 8 months into dating, he moved into his own apartment and I continued to live with my parents. I didn’t think much of this then, because living with someone is a huge decision and not one to take lightly, and we were happy so it didn’t bother me. We stayed this way (he in his own apartment and me at my parents) until about a year ago. I didn’t move into my own apartment because I couldn’t afford to live alone and I really didn’t want to have to buy new furniture and everything in case he did ever invite me to move in with him (I’d lived with a roomate before, and all the furniture had belonged to her). I didn’t bring up moving in together during most of this time, because he was so excited to live alone for the first time that I wanted him to have that experience. We had the rest of our lives to spend living together, so I didn’t push it until the last few months when we started seriously talking about it.
We lived together for about 4 months, when he was offered a job in another state. We lived in Florida, and the job offer was in Arizona. We talked about it, and it was a great opportunity for him to take it, and we decided he should take the job. The agreement was, he would move and get settled and I would follow a few months later if I could find a job. Engagement and marriage were never brought up.
It’s now been a few months since he’s moved, and we talk all the time via phone and text and we FaceTime as often as we can but I still can’t find a job out there and have only seen him in person for a weekend here or there a handful of times. He’s still not very open about discussing marriage or real future plans after I get there and I’m frustrated. I’ve known I wanted to marry him pretty much since we met, he’s sweet and kind and comes from a good family and he makes me happy. We don’t argue, when we lived here we spent time together but also had plenty of time to pursue our own interests and spend time with friends so we were never suffocated, I thought we were a happy couple. Over the years I’ve hinted that I’d like to get engaged, casually showed him rings I liked, we’ve talked about our wedding in terms of a someday thing but it really doesn’t seem like it’s going to be anytime soon. I’ve only mentioned it casually because I don’t want to seem like I’m nagging him about it.
I guess I’m writing this post now because I’m discouraged. I had doubts about moving so far away from my family without an engagement plan set in stone, but it all happened so fast he was offered a job one day and was gone a month later! We’d barely gotten used to living together and he was gone. He was excited for us to go together, the apartment he rented there is referred to as ‘ours’ and he tells me that he can’t wait until I’m home, and that he misses me and can’t sleep knowing I’m so far away. But, he hasn’t ever brought up marriage unless I talk about it first. Sometimes I think it’s because he’s just a guy, and guys don’t think about those things as much as girls do but other times I wonder if he doesn’t really want to get married or doesn’t want to get married to me, but we’re happy so why ruin a good thing? I’ve asked him a few times over the years, and he claims he does want to get married and have kids someday, so it’s not even that he’s opposed to it as a whole.
I hate this, I don’t know what to do.