I feel like I've made a mess of the whole thing?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

fairydust91 :  Obviously if you can get over it, then just let it go. If its going to bug you then bring it up. 

If he wants to bring it up then talk about it. You technically don’t have to do anything you don’t want to ๐Ÿ˜› 

Post # 19
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think you are projecting big time OP. I know how you feel – getting engaged is something you want really badly but have only just recently discussed with your partner for the first time, so the whole thing is new and you’re still kinda shy about it. You’re scared he doesnt want it as much as you – you’re going into it with that insecurity, so anything he says  that’s less than “OMG YES MARRY ME NOW!!!” is going to feed into your insecurity.

But I doubt his joke was motivated by anything sinister. I would put more weight in the serious convo you had the day before, where you mutually agreed on the timeline, than his joking remarks the next day. 

Post # 20
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Am I the only one that thinks OP is making a mountain out of a molehill here? 

I don’t know exactly how your bf phrased his response to you but I’d guess most of this is in your own head. It sounds like the whole exchange was kind of jokey but you took it very personally for some reason. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but can you two not talk/joke about these kinds of things? My husband and I are very jokey so his response just seems completely normal to me.

As for you cringing at the thought of talking to him about this later today…is this even something on his radar that needs to be talked about? Like does he think it was this big awkward, horrible thing or is that just you? The only way I see this turning into an argument is if you keep pushing it. And that doesn’t mean you have to STFU, I think talking about your feelings is a good thing, it just means maybe take a deep breath and try and calm yourself. You said you just talked for the first time about engagement and timelines like a day ago, then you brought it up again the very next day, now you want to bring it up again tonight…see where I’m going with this? I doubt he thinks anything is wrong but if you keep bringing it up he will. 

Post # 22
Member
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

fairydust91 :  I’m confused that you say ‘three years to get engaged’ is YOUR timeline that he agreed to- yet you keep dropping hints and getting upset at the 2 year mark? Clearly you won’t be happy with your own timeline so I think you have to re-evaluate what you want and have an honest talk with him. I don’t believe women should have to shut up and not express themselves, but I can also see how you keeping on bringing it up a year before the agreed upon timeline can be off-putting to him. 

As for the fake proposal- are you sure it was fake? Even if he blurted it out spur of the moment he may have meant it even if it came out awkward, maybe a well hey, let’s do this then ….but then you thought it was a joke and hurt his feelings? Or, if he was snotty or sarcastic or something that made it very clearly a joke, I’d be both pissed and hurt. 

Post # 25
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

fairydust91 :  Glad I could help! Well, I felt the same way when I first started to talk to my now husband about this subject. The first time I brought it up I was so nervous I was sweating profusely and felt ill lol – even though I had no reason to suspect he wouldn’t be on board. It’s just a scary thing to do, making yourself vulnerable like that–even if you’re 99% sure your SO is on the same page, there’s always that paranoia that maybe he secretly isn’t, and then what?! Our initial conversation went well, but for some reason I still had insecurities for awhile about how invested he really was – it was irrational, probably a hangup from previous relationships. I just remember that anytime the subject came up in those first weeks after we started discussing it, my heart would be pounding and it was obvious I was putting a lot more weight in every remark he made about it than he really intended. (I wasn’t sure about that at the time though – but  looking back now, after our engagement and marriage, it’s obvious!)

Post # 27
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

fairydust91 : I never said it was a big horrible thing at ALL. If anything I’m more mad at MYSELF for bringing it up to begin with!”

But you do seem to think that you messed up your relationship somehow and keep kicking yourself for even bringing it up. I mean, you titled this thread: I feel like I’ve made a mess of the whole thing. What I’m saying is that this is probably all in your head! Time to take a breather and do whatever it is you like to do to try and relax. This is not the big deal you are making it out to be and if you told your SO how much this one comment of his is freaking you out he’d probably laugh and say you’re crazy (again in a jokey way). You two just agreed on a timeline. Woohoo! This should be a happy time!

Post # 28
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with most of the PP. I think you’re just on here spinning your wheels because you’re so excited to have entered this new stage of your relationship. Instead of relaxing into the excitement, though, and allowing yourself to be happy, you’re almost… fighting it, and turning it into anxiety instead. YOU control how you comport yourself, but inwardly and outwardly. You get to decide how to interpret thing and how to react to any given situation. I think what some of the PP are try to get across to you is that you are choosing to have anxiety around something that – objectively speaking – in no way calls for anxiety. 

Try to change your way of thinking about/remembering the situation. Decide not to cringe at the thought of it. Embrace that it’s your future, too, and you made a harmless joke regarding your mututal future together. He clearly just wasn’t prepared for it and made an awkward joke. That’s OK – I think it’s natural for a little bit of awkwardness/shyness to come back into relationships after milestones. SO and I got a little giddy and shy again both after our timeline talk, AND after getting engaged.

In your shoes, I’d probably play off the awkwardness of the situation by texting him pics of 20+ carat rings that I’d “consider” to “help with his shopping.” You’ve been with man for 2 years – you know him pretty well – y’all should easily be able to joke your way out of this. 

Post # 29
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t say anything to him, you’ll just make it worse.  You planted the seed, you can be sure he’s thinking about it.  That’s not a bad thing.  Neither of you did anything wrong; we all have awkward conversations from time to time, it’s not a big deal.

Post # 30
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I would say it’s better to talk about it now and clear the air. If it were me I would be anxious not knowing where we stood. It’s best to talk about the big things like what you expect from the relationship early on so that you don’t find yourself investing years into something only to find out you’re on two different pages. Especially if he wants to talk about it, I would explore the topic. It will probably make you feel more secure.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors