Post # 1
This is my first wedding bee post, so I am excited to have a community to share my thoughts and struggles with as we plan our wedding.
So back to the issue at hand.. my best friend whom I’ve been friends with since high school has seemed to grow more and more distant ever since I got engaged. Let’s call her “Amy”. At first Amy seemed genuinely happy for me, and even offered to help me plan my wedding. In the past few months since I’ve gotten engaged, she has seemed to pull away. Amy has another single friend who she hangs out with all the time recently, which I am really happy about. However, she seems to want to rub this new friendship in my face, or at least that’s what it seems like. She goes to great lengths to tell me how wonderful this new friend is and how good a friend she is, etc. etc. It just seems a little contrived to me, and I wonder if she is trying to make me jealous. It does sting that she has a new best friend, but I know she needs other single friends to hang out with, since I am sometimes busy with my fiance and can’t hang all the time.
I have also had happy hours and visits with many other girlfriends, who have asked me questions about my wedding and planning process. We booked our venue about a month ago, and Amy is the ONLY one of my friends who hasn’t asked me ANYTHING about how our planning is going. She doesn’t know about the venue, and honestly her lack of interest in the wedding planning is what hurts the most. She is supposed to be my best friend, yet it seems she can care less about what is supposed to be a really special moment in my life.
I check in with her about every other day asking how things are going in her life, like with the guy she’s casually seeing, how her doctor appointments go, etc. It seems that since I got engaged, she has made zero effort to find out how I’m doing. I also feel like in the past months, I am the one initiating hanging out, where in the past it was more mutual. Yesterday, she didn’t even return my texts. I know I am probably overly sensitive about this, but I can’t shake the feeling she is mad at me or something. I asked her to be a bridesmaid, but now I am wondering if we will even still be friends in a year when we get married with the way things are headed.
I feel like I should talk to her about how she’s been so distant, but I feel like that may make matters worse. Should I just let her go? Should I tell her she hurt my feelings? Any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you!
Post # 2
You should talk to her. Sometimes people get engaged and can talk nonstop about wedding plans. I’ve distance myself from a friend until her wedding was over because it was ALL she talked about.
Post # 3
It could be that she’s jealous that you’re engaged and she’s not. It could be that she can’t relate to planning a wedding and doesn’t know what to do or say. It could be simply that she’s really busy at work and is focusing on her career.
Here’s something to think about though: Are you initiating talking to her just so you can talk about your wedding things? I have friends who will only ask how I’m doing as a cover so they can brag/complain about the latest thing going on in their lives. It annoys me to no end and I’ve pulled the same behavior that your friend has- no answering messages, not initiating hanging out, and talking about other friends- simply because I was tired of hearing all about them.
It’s just something to think about.
If you’re really upset about this, you can always call her on the phone and ask what’s up. Conversations over text message are hard to decipher, especially because you can’t hear the tone of the message.
Post # 4
futurebrideesq: That’s a good question. No, that’s not what I do. When I ask her about her life, that’s all we talk about, because she never asks me about mine, and I do not volunteer. I actually do not talk to her about the wedding since the first month we were engaged when I asked her to be a bridesmaid. Now I purposefully do not bring it up just to see if she ever will.
Post # 5
She may not even know why she’s pulling away. Maybe it’s not jealousy but rather she anticipates, rightly, that your friendship will change as you are now married and engaged. She may be ‘mourning’ that change in your friendship, and shutting you out before you have a chance to change the friendship.
Now, your other friends aren’t doing this, and if this is what’s happening it isn’t particularly the best way to deal with it. But she knows you’re moving on … she’s left behind and feels (maybe) irrationally hurt rather than jealous. Yes, your feelings are hurt, but on some level I suspect her’s are as well.
Post # 6
feyonceincalifornia: I still say call her and ask her about it. The worst scenario, she denies changing at all, but is put on notice that you’re feeling a littl sore. The best scenario, she admits that she’s been feeling weird since you got engaged and didnt realize that you could tell.
Post # 7
I would definitely talk with her. It is quite easy to build up a small issue into a much larger problem in your head. Also, I’ve found that not talking about something in order to see if the other person brings it up is always a dangerous game, because you’re setting someone up for a test that is quite easy to fail.
I feel like my closer friends – especially the BMs – never ask about the wedding (maybe because I bore them silly with details without being prompted). But I think it’s because they’re close enough and comfortable enough that they know I’ll bring it up. More distant friends seem to ask more often as a polite conversation starter.
Regardless, you need to talk to your friend, instead of assuming what she’s thinking and feeling, or focusing on how often you ask her questions about her life or how often she answers your texts. Just sit her down and talk about the wedding. Have her look at your colors or dresses or something. (She might be waiting for this prompt, especially if you haven’t talked about wedding things in a while.)
Or if you feel like a more forthright conversation is warranted, you could say, “I feel like we have been a little distant lately. I know I’ve been preoccupied with the wedding, but I just want to make sure everything is okay.” But definitely, definitely talk to her. And keep it light. It’s always better when you talk. And it’s probably not nearly as serious as you’re thinking it might be.
Post # 8
ehmmgee: Thank you so much. That is a really insightful response and helpful. I hope you’re right and I am just building up nothing into something in my head. I will definitely call her and see if there is anything going on, or if I am being overly sensitive.
Post # 9
feyonceincalifornia: When I got engaged, one of my best friends had a reaction that I can best describe as “happy for me, sad for her.” I KNEW that she was happy for me, but at the same time, it was kind of hard for her, because (even though she was single) she also wanted to be married, and it was hard for her because she felt she had to hide that in front of me a little bit.
So, as a result, we talked less. We had been the kinds of friends who talked every single day, about everything … and during my wedding planning process we probably talked less than once a month. She was not so interested in any of the details…
And actually, because we had been so close, I understood. I got that it would have been hard for me if the shoe had been on the other foot – and so I leaned into my other friends. She wasn’t that involved in the wedding planning process, but other friends of mine were soooooo excited – to come dress shopping, pick stuff out, discuss ideas, etc – and even though a part of me wished that she were one of them, it was okay.
She danced and laughed with me at my wedding, and we are still close. In hindsight, I’m really glad that I didn’t push her too hard with the wedding planning thing – I see so many friendships on here that get ruined because of it :).
Post # 10
anonybeeeee5498: thank you so much for the feedback. So do you vote for letting it go, and letting her distance herself? Or do you think I should call her and make sure everything is ok between us (even without mentioning any wedding stuff)?
Also, with your friend, do you think your friendship is back to normal? Or is it different now that you’re married?
Post # 11
feyonceincalifornia: Hi, first off, I love your username! So clever!
I could have written your post. I got married about 5 months ago, and one of my best friends, who is divorced, has been strangely distant, and has been spending a lot of time with a new best friend, another single woman. She has had a rough time since she got divorced, so I know my wedding was hard for her (I know this because she told her sister who told me). We’ve all been trying to tread lightly around her because she’s felt sensitive, which is totally understandable.
It doesn’t help that my friend has been burned by married friends who have pretty much blown her off, so she’s putting up a protective wall just in case I do the same.
What has helped has been my consistently keeping in touch with her and making sure she knows I care about her life. I try not to dwell too much on my new married life, which frankly, would be boring for anyone to hear! 🙂 We talk about the things that we’ve always had in common, and I make sure to drive out to her place to spend time with her rather than expecting her to drive to my house all the time (which her married friends have done to her in the past). I think she needs this time with her new friend to not feel so “singled” out.
If this is a friendship you value strongly, stick with it, and most importantly, talk to her. Be honest with her. Let her know you’ll always be there for her. I hope things work out!
Post # 12
This happened to me… We had been friends since preschool. Yep Preschool! So 24 years. I was so excited to finally get engaged and i couldn’t wait to ask her to be a bridesmaid! She seemed to be interested kind of… but then stopped responding to the email thread i had with the other bridesmaids. My maid of honor couldn’t get a hold of her and she not only missed my Bridal shower but she missed my bachelorette party too. My Maid/Matron of Honor asked all the girls to send in silly stories we shared and i would have to guess who in my bridal party the story came from. She didn’t send one in. My Maid/Matron of Honor also had everyone kiss (with lipstick on) this card that they all wrote to me on. Another bridesmaid who was in North Dakota (she’s in the military) scanned a picture of her lipstick kiss to my Maid/Matron of Honor so she could put it in the card. Nothing from my “best friend”. I was actually so hurt that i asked her if everything was ok and all she said was “yeah, i’m just busy with work”. I’m surprised she made it to the wedding to be honest. We haven’t spoken since then… I found out later that it was a jealousy thing. She wanted to be married and have kids but she’s not even in a relationship…. I’ve reached out a few times but really dont get much back in a response. It’s sad it ended that way…
Post # 13
My best friend became distant when I got engaged too. Funny thing is, she got engaged 2 months before I did, and I was genuinely happy for her. I would always ask about weddig plans. When I got engaged, she initially seemed happy for me, but it became clear she didn’t like talking weddings. I’m not sure if she thought I would steal her ideas or what since her wedding was 4 months before mine. Turns out, I heard from a mutual friend that she was upset that we got married in the same year. Really?! She gets a day, not a year.
Anyway, now that our weddings have already taken place, we’re back to normal pretty much. We dont hang out as much as we used to, but that’s mostly due to us both being busy.
I would ask your friend if everythings ok. Say something like “you seem a little distant, did I do something to upset you?” or “I was really excited for you to help me plan my wedding, but now it seems you’re not interested. Did something happen to make you change your mind?” (Because she initially offered to help you plan)