Post # 1
I’m a regular poster, but I made a separate profile to post this question. It’s a little embarrassing and I wouldn’t want my husband coming across this post.
My husband and I got married this summer and I moved to his city, which is 10 hours from where my family and friends live. Lately I’ve been feeling lonely and sad a lot of the time. My husband really is my ONLY friend here. I’ve met lots of his friends’ wives and girlfriends, but I just haven’t hit it off with any of them, and I feel like an outsider when I do hang out with them. My husband is really outgoing and has a lot of friends, but I don’t feel like any of them like me very much. I’m quite shy, and I need to know people for a while and see them often to come out of my shell. I feel really jealous of how outgoing and likable my husband is. He’s completely won over my family, while I feel like his family just thinks I’m ok.
I don’t have that much going on in my life right now, so I think that’s part of the problem. I’m taking a couple of classes at our local college and am applying to a graduate program for next fall. I was really hoping that I would meet some people in my classes, but it hasn’t happened. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I haven’t made any friends yet. When I talk to my family and friends back where I used to live, they seem to feel so bad for me that I haven’t made any friends, and that only makes me feel worse.
My husband and I have a wonderful relationship, but I’m not sure if I should talk to him about how I’m feeling. I don’t know if he realizes how uncomfortable I am with his family and friends, and I think it might just make him feel bad if he knew. Plus he has a lot going on, and I don’t want to burden or upset him. Is it worth talking to him about how I’m feeling, or should I try to just snap out of my sadness and focus on the things that are good in my life?
Thanks so much for your help!
Post # 3
This is awful, I’m sorry 🙁 I always talk to my Fiance when I feel this way. While I’m not homesick or anything like that I have my days of depression and he’s always there. I’m sure if you talk to your hubby about it he’ll make you laugh and maybe even pay for you to visit your family for a weekend! It’s important to remember that marriage isn’t so much a “legally binding contract” anymore. It really has become about love and at-one-ment. Embrace this as sometimes it’s all you really have.
Post # 4
You should talk to him! He’s your husband! Could you join some social activities? What sort of hobbies do you have? Maybe you could check out volunteer organizations?
I totally get what you’re saying–I have very few friends and my Fiance is pretty much my main friend in this area. I hate college b/c I don’t enjoy the “college lifestyle,” so that cuts me off a lot from meeting people. My advice, organizations that interest you are where it’s at! Good luck!
Post # 5
He is your husband. Your struggles are his, this could have long term implications on your marriage if it isn’t dealt with now. If you can’t share this with him, you will feel even more alone. Please speak up, there is a way to do it where you show you are grateful for your relationship but are in need of more outside of your relationship. I think that having your own experiences (friends or hobbies) keeps life in a partnership, and keeps you from being dependent on solely your husband. Chin up!
Post # 6
Thanks for the replies! It helps so much just to get this off my chest and hear people’s advice 🙂
I guess I know that I need to talk to him about how I’m feeling, but I’m just not sure how much to share. A couple of months ago I admitted to him that I don’t feel like his friends like me that much and he said “of course they do, they just need to get to know you better”. That was the whole discussion. I also feel REALLY uncomfortable talking to ANYONE about the fact that I’m shy. I’ve always been terribly ashamed of it. Is this something that I need to get over and be able to talk to him about? I’ve always felt like if I point out to someone that I’m shy then it’s like I’m drawing attention to my flaws.
Post # 7
@Lonelybee: I’m very shy also. I hate meeting people b/c I feel judged. I think my Fiance’s family dislikes me (other than his grandmother–who rocks). Maybe you and your Fiance could do more “small” group things with his friends. Like pick one couple and go out to eat a couple of times a month or board games (double date type stuff) so you get to know one couple really well at a time.
Post # 8
@Lonelybee: Well, I’m hoping that as his husband he already knows that you’re shy. I don’t see how telling anyone the fact that you’re shy will help any situation. I’m very outgoing and still feel a bit shy sometimes so when in awkward social situations tend to announce, “well, this is awkward. I guess I need to be more interesting.” This usually stirs up a laugh, drops tensions and gets the conversation going.
Post # 9
It’s really difficult to move to a new city and set up connections with people- or at least I think so. I have recently moved and I have had a slow time meeting new people and becoming good friends. It’s important that you share how you feel with your husband. Don’t make it about him, just about how you feel. Even if it is just to get it off your chest, I think it will certainly help to tell him. Personally, I don’t even want my FH to solve my problems, just to listen to me and understand how I feel. Good luck
Post # 10
I know how you feel! I felt the same way when my husband and I moved last summer. I think that you should look for events where you can meet people that you will get along with. I just started to make friends here now that I’m working and am out of the house more.
Post # 11
I agree that you should talk to him. He is your husband and I’m sure he’ll want to know how you’re feeling and if there is anything he can do to help. Plus, I think you’ll feel better getting it off your chest and sharing it with your husband.
Post # 12
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling lonely. It’s tough being in a new place, especially when your husband knows people…I think it can create an odd person out feeling.
I fully agree with everyone else that you should speak with your husband. I rely on my fiance for my many needs, including emotional support. I think open communication is a great foundation for any relationship, and I hope that you feel comfortable going to your husband for support.
Another thing I want to add…you may want to check out the website meetup.com. It’s basically a website with groups about everything and all interests, and basically is a way to meet up with people who have similar interests. I know that a friend of mine, upon first moving to NYC, joined a few groups, and now his core group of friends are the people he met in his groups. And I joined one to study for a licensing exam (really, the types of groups you can join are diverse).
With whatever you decide to do, I hope that it works out well for you!!! 🙂
Post # 13
I think you should talk to him, but also try to snap out of your sadness if possible. Be more proactive when you’re hanging out with his friends wives. Ask them about their interests, engage them in conversation. Kind of like dating! It’s uncomfortable sometimes if you’re shy, but that’s how friendships are made. You can also try to join a book club or junior league!
Post # 14
@Lonelybee: i am actually worried about the friends thing as well because i will be moving to live with my fiance who lives out of state after we are married. i am always extremely shy around people i don’t know well and i feel awkward talking to them. i have this fear when i meet new people that i may end up talking too much too them and annoying them. so i end up doing the opposite and not saying anything at all. it’s really hard to bring a balance to it. you should really talk to your husband about it however. i dont know him personally, but i would think that as your husband he does want you happy. i know what got me talking to some of the girlfriends of the guys my fiance hangs out with was that the guys have a guys weekend that they always do. so one of the girls mentioned doing a girls night while all the boys were out of town. it *really* helped me to feel more comfortable around them and get to know them better. we’re not best of buds, but it is nice knowing that i can talk to them on my own (versus at a social gathering with my fiance). maybe see about doing something like a girls night the same night the boys do a boys night?
DON’T feel ashamed. it is perfectly ok to feel this way.
Post # 15
Oh, Lonelybee, I was in a very simliar situation about a year ago–in retrospect, I am so glad I talked about it all with my Mr. and so grateful for him being there for me through the whole thing.
I am so glad that you will be talking with him–I think it is incredibly important that you share this all with your husband.
hugs to you!
Post # 16
Wow.. are we the same person!? The only difference is that I moved across the country from Texas to North Carolina. It hurts to leave your family and friends and go to a place where you don’t know anyone, but I would say talk to your husband. He is your support system now… I was a mess when I first moved, I mean crying and everything, but he helped me through it.
Big hugs and I hope you can talk this out and make a few friends to help ease the pain!