Post # 1
My DH had a very close longtime female friend when we started dating. She lived about 4 hours away, but DH would always make an effort to keep in touch with her and see her when he was traveling to her city for business. When she would come home to visit family, he would find out last minute and always try to rearrange plans to meet up with her. She and I always got along and there were never any issues between us. We would double date with her boyfriend and have a great time.
A few years ago, she got a job where she started traveling the world, and was very bad at responding to his emails and he would find out after-the-fact that she had been back in town visiting and didn’t call him.
We invited her to our wedding and DH was very hurt when she cancelled last minute because she had to be out of the country for work. Her work offered to fly her in for our wedding for 1-2 days, but she declined saying she would be too tired. I understood that our wedding wasn’t everyone’s top priority, so I tried to make him feel better about it, but I know he was upset that she didn’t try to make it.
She emailed him about a year ago to tell him she was engaged and he was thrilled. He has been writing her every once and a while asking about her planning, but she rarely responded. He would always mention how excited he is to attend when she finally sets a date and location.
He found out last night that she had her wedding, because she posted her pictures on facebook. We don’t have facebook, but his sister does and sent him the pictures. It looked like a bigger wedding, something that he would have expected to be included in. It was held in her FI’s hometown, but not somewhere too far away for us to attend. I can tell he’s devastated. He tried so hard to keep up the friendship, and she made no effort at all.
I don’t know how to make him feel better.
Post # 3
It is tough when you feel like you thought you were better friends with someone than they did. I’ve had that happen too. Here though I think it has more to do with the fact that your DH is her ex. Although you seem totally comfortable with them hanging out, there’s a chance that this woman’s new husband isn’t as comfortable. That doesn’t mean your DH can’t be hurt by it though, and I hope you find ways to make him feel better!
Post # 4
That sticks! It seems like he was more her friend than she was his. Sometimes people are that way and you just have to let them go. There’s not a whole lot you can do for him but be there and listen and maybe take him to do something fun.
Post # 5
DH was not her ex. They never dated. They were always just close friends.
Post # 6
Some people are users and don’t care who they hurt. The only thing you can do is support him letting him know how many real friends he has. He will probably figure out that he needs to cut ties with her to do otherwise is unhealthy and a bit needy. It is possible she didn’t invite you because she felt so bad about not going to your wedding. But her obvious lack of communication means there really isn’t a true friendship there anymore.
Post # 7
Yeah, I know. I’m doing my best. I think that DH should email her to congratulate her. I think it’s better than leaving it hanging out there as “I found out on facebook but didn’t hear from you directly so I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen”.
Do you think he should reach out to her? I feel like emailing her one more time might bring some closure for him.
Post # 8
I think if it was me I would want to email one last time. I would find it hard to just leave a situation like that. And sometimes people have reasons for their actions that you never imagined so she may explain. For example it could be that her husband didn’t want to invite him and she was too embarrased to say so. Or she simply has moved on to other friends, which is hurtful but knowing the truth will bring better closure I think. Sorry this happened to him. You sound like a very suportive wife and I’m sure he appreciates it.
Post # 9
So sorry! Totally misread. Haven’t had my coffee yet this morning!
Post # 10
That sucks, especially because it seems like especially lately he had been such a good friend to her and it didnt really happen the same way on her end. Idk if there is much you can do for him at this point besides be there for him! I am sorry this situation stinks!
Post # 11
From what you say, it sounds like he was really good friends with her, but it wasnt returned. He was always the one to rearrange his schedule, to call, to email. So maybe the relationship changed overtime and he just wasnt really seeing it.
If it were me I don’t think an email would be closure. Its pretty obvious where the relationship is and I dont think there is anything to be said other than “I thought we were friends” or imply it one way or another.
If ther circumstances were different, the it would be different, but its pretty obvious from her behavior the last few years that the relationship isnt as important to her.
Post # 12
Exactly! i think that’s what especially hurts. DH is a great person and a very loyal friend. They had been friends since elementary school. I understand that people change and grow apart, but usually it’s because either there’s some kind of disagreement or because neither side make an effort to keep in touch. This was a long distance friendship, so all it would have taken on her part was a few responses to emails and a phone call/meal 1-2 times/year when she was in town. I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t want to keep up such a low maintenance friendship with such a wonderful, caring person.
Now i’m angry at her because she hurt my DH and he doesn’t deserve that.
Post # 13
i’m going to play devil’s advocate here. i had a fairly big wedding–over 200 people were invited–but i also have a really big family, and since dh’s family was smaller i compromised and cut a lot of my friends from the wedding list, including people who lived in the same town that our wedding was in, and out of town friends i’d known for a long time, some of whom had expressed a desire to be there but who i hadn’t been in a lot of touch with for awhile. these were all friends who i liked and cared about a lot, and really wish i could have invited, but generally hadn’t been as close to recently as in the past, and making my groom feel like he wasn’t crowded out by my fam and keeping it within the venue limitations was more important. my point is, you don’t know the ins and outs of a guest list without actually being privy to the behind the scenes conversations.
i know it’s hard, but really try not to take it too personally. it sounds like this girl has a really busy lifestyle with travelling so much, and her priorities have shifted in the past couple years. i know i’ve fallen out of touch with people over the years, it’s not a personal thing, it’s just sometimes you don’t have enough energy left to send a “quick” email or make a call. i don’t think that makes me a bad person, it’s just growing up and shifting priorities–literally the only people i talk to on a super regular basis, aside from people i work with, are dh, my parents, and 1 bff. there are folks that i was super close to at other points of my life who i very rarely even speak to now, not because of fights, but just shifting priorities. it sounds like your dh tried to hold on to this friendship just too long
ETA: also, i live away from my hometown, and honestly, when i’m there i try to avoid people i know because when i’m home for limited amounts of time i really just want to be with my family. maybe that seems harsh to old friends but i get limited time to see my niece, bro, sil, and parents–i want to make the most of it!
Post # 14
It sucks when you have to stand by and watch your DH hurting and there is nothing you can do.
I wonder if she had a thing for him in the past. Sometimes the only way to get over that is to just cut ties and move on. Or it could be like @finnaroo:
mentioned, people had to be cut and you DH unfortunately was on that list.
Personally, I know that I’m busy enough (and I don’t travel) that unless you are a super close friend or on FB, I won’t be in touch with you. I think he should start a FB acct (just as a way to keep in touch with people, not just her) and while he is there, friend her and in the message be nice and congratulate her.