- 5 years ago
- Wedding: May 2013
I tend to over think and analyze too much. Right now I just feel like I’m all alone, no friends, no family, I’m the outsider, everyone is against me. I’m tired of people viewing me as being weak and naive. A little backstory…
I was with my ex for 8yrs. since I was 18. Lived together for 6yrs. It’s was an abusive relationship. Psychically, emotionally, verbally, sexually… I was submissive towards him. I loss my friends, my self esteem, my dignitiy. No one took us seriously and our relationship was a joke, which it was. I was also sexually molested when I was 6. Never told my parents until I was 25 on thanksgiving day because I had a major meltdown. I don’t have the best relationship with my mother, I’m the adult and she’s the rebellious teenager. We’re total opposite. Ive been sexually harassed at jobs, taken advantage of… But yet I don’t do drugs, don’t have any kids, attend college, pay my bills and some of my mom’s, always been responsible for myself. I’ve learn to suppress my thoughts of abuse and emotions that I didn’t realize I was a ticking time bomb. Which is why I went nuts on thanksgiving day. Lol.
Now, I’m 28, about the marry a man that adores me, loves me more than anyone can and supports me and knows my past. I am so grateful for him beyond anyway I can ever express. I’m happy with where my life is heading with my Fiance. He’s 38, ex marine, retired jui jistu fighter, builds bikes and works so many jobso just so he can provide a wonderful future for us. Like I said about myself, I work and attend college, art major.
However, I feel like my family is not taking me seriously. Because I had such a bad past with my ex, I feel like they think I’m just this naive little girl. I am quiet, friendly and don’t like drama, but doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing or that I let myself to where people are walking all over me. I care too much for things and people that I shouldn’t. I’m just too nice of a person, I guess and very honest. I once told my mom I felt like and often thought about killing myself When i was 15 yrs old. But all she said was that I was stupid and a coward for thinking that way. I’m just being a cry baby and feeling sorry for myself. Good thing I wasn’t going to act on my thoughts because my mom would’ve been the worse counselor.
Wedding talk and future plans with my mom is point less because she questions everything and has a attitude like she doesn’t believe it’s going to happen. She’s said that in going to end up coming home like I use to with my ex. Fiance and I found a place that is 5 mins to his parebts’s house, because his dad is dying and they need his help. We decided, to keep my dad happy, not to live together until we are married, 6 months left. But Fiance will be paying our rent and living with his parents. Of course he’ll be staying here and there in our place but not 100% of the time. Well, my dad is upset that I’m living 40 mins further away from my job and that Fiance will be living 5 mins from me and coming over everyday. WTF! He’s going to be my HUSBAND in 6 months! And he’s paying the rent. Even if we live together before our wedding, I don’t care. What’s the point of renting a place closer to my parents and having to move out 6 months later with my husband? Then my dad said, I didn’t have to, I can still live there. Makes no sense. He is going to be my husband and if I need to move closer to his parents because his dad is ill, then I will. I feel like he doesn’t want us to get married and live together. He then asked who’s marrying us and what about our legal papers, so in other word if we’re having a real wedding with a legal marriage license or having a spiritual wedding? :/. I just don’t get it. He was supported in the beginning but now acting and asking weird questions.
FI gets mad at me for discussing our plans with my parents and I know that’s where my problem is, but I can’t help but want to include them and want that emotional support as parents. But I know that’s not the case with my parents. And that’s where I feel alone with family and friends and no support system. My parents are all I have but I feel like they are against everything I do or they just don’t believe me.