(Closed) I feel so alone … Just need to vent, do I need counseling?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
9649 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@echolove:   Have you ever heard the term “co-dependent?”  That’s what you are with your parents.  All your life you’ve traded one abuser for another.

Your Fiance is right and I understand why he’s angry at your relationship with your parents.  They are your “birth parents” but be real with yourself – you parented yourself.  You are now an adult.  The only hold they have over you is what you are allowing them to have.

Get some healthy boundaries established – NOW.  You’re soon to be a married woman.  You’re far, far from being a child at the age of 28.  You are so lucky to have found the love of your life.  HE is your family now. 

I was you.  I would still be you if I hadn’t learned that boundaries are fences.  And fences have gates.  Boundaries of abused children have been violated and turned inside out.  In other words, your bad stuff stays inside and eats at you constantly and you keep / block the good stuff out.  Because you feel undeserving.  I get that! 

Healthy boundaries – Keep the good stuff in. Only allow the good stuff in.  Use the gate to your soul to only allow what is healthy and good for you in.  Anything negative, sad, evil, controlling, manipulative, unhealthy (in other words, everything that feels familiar to you from your childhood) KEEP OUT.  Use the gate to block out the bad stuff.

Your Fiance is good – let him in.  Listen to him!  Live with him!  It’s ridiculous to not live with him.  Once you start becoming a strong person be prepared for it to royally piss your family off.  And be prepared for everything to feel strange and unnatural.  Because – once we start learning what love really is – it does feel strange to us abuse victims.  But stick with it – and you will wake up one day soon feeling like this:

Peaceful

Happy

Calm

Safe

Loved

In other words – every single thing your parents never gave you.  Give those things to yourself.  It is time!!

Post # 6
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If they’re not willing to support you, then it’s time to stop discussing it with them.  I’m so sorry to have to say that, but I think that you know on some level that it’s true.

 

Do you have friends who are excited for you?  How about FI’s family?  Is there anyone that can stand in when you want to squee in excitement over things?  Because I’m not sure that your family is capable of that level of excitement over your planning, for whatever reason, and you deserve so much better than to continue to torture yourself while you try to drag it out of them.

 

But more than being sorry about that, I’m sorry about what you went through with your ex, and about your childhood abuse.  No parent has the right to use those as any kind of fodder for discussion about the future of a new relationship.  That’s not fair, and it’s not right.  I wish that I could give you a big, huge hug and help you with all of your wedding planning.  Instead, I offer safe *internet hugs* and a suggestion that maybe it’s time to find counseling to help you establish boundaries with your family that require them to respect you, your Fiance, and your relationship.  

Post # 8
Member
9649 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@echolove:   Just remind yourself you do not deserve to continue being treated badly by these people.  Toxic people just need to be put at a distance.  Sooner or later they will learn that if they don’t treat you well they will not be allowed into your life.

It’s time to take your own power into your own hands.  Learn to love yourself.  Do whatever it takes. 

((HUGS))

Post # 9
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

* hugs * Learning to love yourself is hard, but that is the one thing you need to do first. No one can love you as much as you can – not even your fiance, who sounds AMAZING, but you can’t depend on for everything.

 

One phrase that always got me through bad times was “The situation might be crappy, but I have control over how I feel”. So even though I can be mad or frustrated at a situation, I told myself that I can STILL choose to feel happy and loved, no matter what. I had control over my own heart.

 

I’d recommend finding some professional help to help guide you in the right path, I think you’re doing the right thing by reaching out here for some advice, but we are all just humans too, so we might not give you the most well-researched one. Constructive actions such as dedicating your mind and heart to doing something positive (such as a hobby, something active, or work) with frequent positive feedback can help build up self love.

 

You can do this!

Post # 10
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

Yes, I do think you need counselling, and I think you know you need counselling too else you would not have asked. Coming from your abusive past, your one time desire to kill yourself, and your clearly unhealthy relationship with your mother I think counselling would be a good choice. Preferrably before your wedding to help you work our your issues with your parents and your past. Best to start the next phase of your life on a clean slate, no?

Post # 11
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You’re 28, your parents don’t get a say in where you live. Stick to your plans and move closer to your wonderfully supportive Fiance. If you haven’t had counseling for the things that happened to you in the past then it might be a really good idea and give you a safe space to really talk things out.

Your parents have shown that they’re not going to support you the way you want them to, so now it’s time for you to look to other good people in your life. Maybe join a club or start a hobby where you can meet some new friends. I feel really alone sometimes too and have a hard time making new friends so I know how hard it is. Being engaged/married it almost feels wrong to be lonely but it certainly happens & that’s ok. As for discussing wedding plans, this site is the BEST – for the most part, the bees on here have amazing positive feedback and really helped me out with some things I couldn’t discuss with friends. Good luck with your wedding plans : )

Post # 12
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@echolove:  I’m so sorry that this is your wedding planning experience.  If you ever need someone to squeal over things with, to bounce ideas off of, or what have you, please, please feel free to PM me.  I love all things wedding, and I’m more than happy to be a virtual sounding board.

Post # 13
Member
917 posts
Busy bee

@echolove:  I wish I knew you in person so I could give you a giant hug! (I promise not in a creepy way lol). 

 

@Sunfire:  is right, your relationship with your parents is co-dependent. You’re 28, well and truly an adult and should be able to decide where you want to live and with whom. In my opinion I think your Fiance needs you close by to help with his father’s situation.. And as for the job tend travelling thing, who cares? I’ve always stated that I’d prefer to love somewhere I love then somewhere that’s convenient for where I work. 

 

 

I’ve been going through dealing with my depression and anxiety for the past 20 months, which was mainly caused by being abused as a child too. The best bit of advice I can give you, which other PPs have suggested is to attend counselling and take up a hobby. It’s time you take care of you and do what’s best for you. Don’t let your parents opinions control you anymore. hugs!

 

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