- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
So today I had an eye-opening conversation with my SO. Turns out that while he did say “within three years” as a timeline, I somehow took it as we’d be married and settled down within three years. I actually pictured him proposing by the holidays this year or early January with a year long engagement. Our wedding would be in early 2014.
I thought we would only live together for about a year then we’d get married.
But nope, we were on completely different pages. Apparently SO wants a nice wedding so he’s wanting to have a longer engagement. Like a year and a half to two years. So our wedding would not be until probably 2015 at the earliest, if I’m lucky. Nope, it’d probably be 2016.
I’m fine with this for the most part…I think. I feel very conflicted.
See, our plans are to move in together in January (assuming I get a job and it’s looking very likely that I will). My family is extremely conservative and I have been battling feelings of wanting to do as they raised me and not to be the black sheep in my family for “living in sin”.
To clarify, if my family didn’t care about us living together before marriage, then I would be so happy. The thought of living with SO before marriage doesn’t bother me at all, when it comes to religious reasons. I’m not that religious myself, actually. So on that front, I don’t care if I “live in sin”.
But I dread my family’s reaction. I dread it so much that I’m actually beginning to not look forward to moving in together.
I was willing to brave it when I thought we would only be living together for one year then we’d be married. I was planning on playing it off like “Well, it’s cheaper for us to live together in order to save up for the wedding” and just dealing with the fallout.
But…SO wants to live together at least two years before we even get married. And I’m having such a hard time with this.
And please, do not tell me things like “You are an adult, grow up.” Or “Why are you letting your family affect you so much?” This is not helpful. I cannot control how I feel about this. And by the way, I still plan on moving in with SO in January. I just need advice on how to come to terms with how I’m feeling. I need to stop feeling so sad and conflicted. I need to…learn how to NOT care about my family’s reaction.
Before anyone asks, I am 26. And I live on my own with two roommates. So I already know what it’s like to be independent. But I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before. Actually, no one in my entire extended family has. It’s not very common in my circle.
When I say that I will be the black sheep, the pariah, I am not exaggerating. My family will call me, email me and do everything they can to talk me out of moving in with SO. They will say hurtful things like “We raised you better than this, we are so disappointed in you.” It will be relentless. At every get-together (and we have a lot of them), they will make rude remarks about it. They will look down on me and my SO. We will be treated…well, like the black sheep of the family.
Which I can handle. It’d be tough but I could handle that. But what I’m worried about is that they will no longer respect my SO. They will think that he corrupted me or something. And I also worry that they won’t be happy for us when we finally do get married. I even had a nightmare earlier that my dad refused to walk me down the aisle because he disapproved of our relationship so much.
I just feel so sad right now. Why can’t I have what I want without my family being upset?
I know the only course of action here is for me to get over my feelings and just to deal with it. Face the drama that my family will cause. And just ignore it. My SO comes first to me now. He is my family now. We might not be engaged yet but yes, I will put SO’s needs and wants above everyone else. So for him, I will tell my family we’re moving in together and I will just deal with their reaction.
As for our timeline of getting married, I am sticking to SO’s timeline. I told him today that I was not about to rush him. The last thing I want is for him to marry me when he’s not ready. I don’t want to feel like I’m dragging him to the altar. He has to WANT to marry me.
So we will live together for two years at the very least then we will get married. That is the plan. I just wish it was an easier plan.
Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation with their family? I could use some advice on how you got over the situation. Thanks in advance, ladies.