- 4 years ago
In a nutshell, I am not sure if I want to financially support my boyfriend. I feel so guilty for having these feelings. Am I overthinking everything?
I have been with my SO for 3.5 years, 2.5 years long distance. About a year ago, I moved to northern CA to be with him and moved into the house he was renting – I’m from rural NY. He was still in school finishing a MS degree. He didn’t ask for rent money, but I had savings, so I paid for ½ his rent, which only came out to $300 a month (cheap!). After 4 months of living with him, I got a great job about 3 hours away (SoCal). He encouraged me to take it as he does not want to stay in his current city and wants to move back to SoCal as his family is in the area. So we went back to long distance.
When I moved to SoCal, I rented a room in a house, as apartments are about 70% of my take home pay (after taxes and retirement $ is taken out). It doesn’t seem responsible to rent an apartment. I’ve been living in cheap living situations ever since college so I am used to it.
He is graduating in a few weeks. He wants to move in together once he graduates. He cannot contribute rent money as he has 20k in debt from undergrad and grad school and does not have a job lined up. I’m really conflicted if I want to get an apartment with him.
On one hand, he “supported” me by providing a place to stay (although I paid rent). Now the situation is flipped and he wants me to support him, but a 1600 dollar monthly rent in SoCal is very different from a 600 dollar rent.
I am scared financially and I feel like I have to protect myself in a small way. I come from a family that really stressed living way below your means, saving money and as a result, they are comfortably semi-retired, still living below their means. My SO and I don’t really talk about marriage because I think there is an unspoken agreement that we both need to be financially on track before we can take the next step. But I am truthfully a bit scared that he won’t get a job in SoCal. His field is not in demand and he doesn’t seem ambitious. In the end, I suspect he is going to find out that he will have to move out of SoCal to get his ideal job or he will have to “settle” for something else. If he “settles” for something else, I know that he is going to be depressed about his non-ideal job, and I honestly really would rather him be happy with his dream job over being depressed and with me. If he moves out of state for his job, I might be stuck with a 1600 dollar rent that I’d really wish not to have on my own. Furthermore, I might cement my little feelings of regret of moving to CA in the first place. I don’t know what I want from this rambling, I wish someone would tell me that I only have to support him for 6 months and then I can be selfish?
Quitting my job and following him again is not an option right now as I signed paperwork saying that I would not quit my job for 3 years as they are giving me some extensive and valuable training in my field.
He has family in the area, but he doesn’t want to move home as he is 30 years old and his parents have filled his room with other belongings. He doesn’t live in a room in someone’s house either – I wouldn’t either if he was with me.
I can’t figure out if I’m being financially selfish, just scared or something else? I wish I had a crystal ball right now. If I had more confidence that he was going to obtain a job within 6 months, I would feel more at ease but I don’t have a lot of confidence in this job market. L I feel like I sacrificed a lot (mainly family and my attachment to NY) to move here for him and I’m not sure how much more I am willing to sacrifice. I feel like living an apartment (or living in CA) means sacrificing home ownership (how can anyone buy a house here?!) and flights home to see my family. I think my anxiety about the situation is starting to affect the relationship, but I haven’t been open to him about how it is a turnoff for me to support him.
As a side note, there is no cheaper housing. I’ve tried. Technically, the rent will go down to 1000 after the 2<sup>nd</sup> bedroom is rented out. 1 BR apartments are 1400, so it makes sense to get a 2 bedroom and rent out the 2<sup>nd</sup> bedroom.
I’ve hinted about asking him to move home and reconsidering living together once he gets a job so that we could get a place optimal to both of our job locations, but he wasn’t too happy about the idea.
I’m 27 and he is 30 btw. I have 2.5 years left on my contract for my job in CA.
I feel like moving to CA, made him tied down to CA, which isn’t a good thing for his career aspirations… I think the long distance and stress of this apartment situation is making me feel like this relationship is dull.
Help me understand my thoughts! Or share similar stories! Thanks!