I feel so lost

posted 2 months ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
476 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to say this but it seems that you guys are incompatible. With the small amount of information provided it seems like he was like this before marriage and he is like that now. He is not going to change unless he wants to and does not seem like he wants to  and same for his job. Maybe he is depressed and I’m pulling teeth here because seems like he enjoys video games so maybe going to see therapist might help 

Post # 3
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

beetothesea :  Opposites do attract but it always involves compromise. But you’re happy to do it because you love them 🙂 Fiance and I are as opposite as they come, but we both try so hard to be the best versions of ourselves for the other person, that it creates a nice harmony. 

Your husband won’t get off the couch for you, won’t try to match your ambition, won’t listen to you. He won’t try, Bee, so I think you need to take a step back and re-calibrate for your own sake.

Therapy will help. But, honestly, I think you already know the answer here. 

Post # 4
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The only way I see if to continue to live your life how you want. Keep going out keep venturing keep vacationing. If it only gets easier to do things without him then you already started the first steps.

It takes effort every day in a relationship and it seems like he is on auto pilot. You either take up the reigns or you let him sail

Post # 5
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

Have you tried to talk to him about how all of this is affecting you/ what you see happening to the relationship? This is where I would start. Tell him that you may be two different people who enjoy different things but you are also life partners and a team and that means that there has to be compromise so you find things to enjoy together. Your marriage will suffer if he doesn’t start compromising.

I’m sorry that this is happening, it must be difficult. 

Post # 6
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You really need to talk to him about this in the same way you’re talking to us.  This is going to be very hard but that is one of the reasons why marriage is hard.  You chose this man as your life partner for a reason, maybe he’s just in a funk.  Talk to him.

Post # 7
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1995

I’m baffled as to why you got married.  You two are polar opposites and are very incompatible.   

I hope for your sake that talking to him about some of this will bring changes, but I can’t see that happening.  

Post # 8
Member
10566 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

beetothesea :  

I won’t judge you, Bee.  Your situation feels quite familiar, except for the bungee jumping and skydiving parts.

Some people are not ambitious as far as career goes.  It’s just who they are. Does he actually say he’s miserable in his current job and wants to do something else? 

Pushing him will do no good, as you’re finding out. Doing his resume borders on parenting. That kind of thing drives your respect level down further.

He will change jobs when his current one becomes unbearable to him, not to you.

Some people live out their days chronically underemployed.  It’s a trade off. They accept less money, less challenge, less status in exchange for lower pressure.  They’re often people who just don’t get office politics and the social demands. They prefer to opt out.

As ashleyroo said, you two may just be fundamentally incompatible.

It sounds as if you’re stockpiling a lot of anger and resentment.  That will ultimately poison your relationship.  What is your plan to deal with those feelings?

Post # 9
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

If this extreme behavior is something recent, could it be that maybe there is more going on that he isn’t sharing?

I am an introvertes, homebound person. Give me a choice between going out shopping and staying home reading, and I’ll choose to stay at home. To be fair, I usually have to push myself to go outside and enjoy life with Darling Husband who is a bit more adventurous, especially when it comes to activities I might not be so excited about.

That being said, a couple of years ago I became almost completly homebound. I refused to leave the house, felt little excitement over doing the things I would normally enjoy/compromise on, and even thinking about traveling to my favorite city in the world sounded more like a chore than an adventure. I was going thru a lot of emotional things, including a low-self esteem, fear of “wasting time” and not being satisfied with myself. I tried to ignore those feelings and, by doing so, I got lost in video games and staying home all day. It took me some therapy, a lot of motivational talks and being honest with myself to get out of that whole.

I tell you this because maybe your husband is going thru something similar? 30s are a BIG milestone, and if he feels he hasn’t accomplish anything “great” -as our society so much pushes into thinking- he might be going through an emotional rollercoaster. 

Post # 10
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

It sounds like the man you dated is the man you married. He isn’t presenting new traits, it’s that your expectations of a boyfriend are not the same as your expectations of a husband. He’s bringing the exact same things to the table as he had before, but now you’re looking at it differently because you’re seeing it from the prospective of a lifetime of this.

He isn’t going to change unless he wants to. For your sanity, I’d continue to do adventurous things with your friends, or you’ll start to resent him for all the experiences you missed while waiting for him to do them with you.

You really need to evaluate if you are okay spending your life being married to someone who is introverted, not interested in going out, and has zero career ambitions. He may change, but it will only be if he finally decides he wants to.

Post # 11
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I disagree with the PP that he suddenly just isn’t compatible with you and that you should consider leaving.  It sounds very much to me like he’s depressed.  Have you chatted with him about how he’s feeling recently?  Could it be that he’s very withdrawn and unmotivated because he’s worried or sad?

Post # 12
Member
292 posts
Helper bee

I agree with others that it sounds like your husband might be struggling with his mental health. Has he gone through periods of depression in the past? I had a similar experience with an ex bf who became withdrawn and unavailable, although I knew going in that he had a mental health diagnosis. You probably have a better idea of what is normal for your husband and what signs you’d consider alarming than we do.

Post # 13
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

OP, this might be too much of me seeing an earlier relationship of mine mirrored here.

I dated a lovely, kind, thoughtful, loyal introvert for about four years, through part of undergraduate and all of grad school. He would much rather stay at home/attend events with a small group of close friends, whereas I was always out adventuring. I remember some frustrations being having to push him to finish  his coursework, and forcing him to follow up with people for summer jobs. After finishing grad school our plan was to move to the UK for a year, and travel Europe. I went four months before him (my grad program finished in August, his finished in December). I have a UK passport, so reminded him he needed to have a visa, but didn’t follow up. Two weeks before he was supposed to move he told me he hadn’t looked into the visa, but would just come over as a tourist and volunteer. That was the breakup. To be in a new country, with no friends, and for him not to have a job or have anyone else to rely on was too much. I could not deal with being the sole person in his life. I needed him to have outward interests. I couldn’t be his mom. We spoke a year after our breakup about getting back together. I had just started law school. He told me he had been dealing with depression for the last year of our relationship. I think I hadn’t noticed because a) we had gone from living a few blocks away from each other in undergrad, to different cities in grad school so saw each other significantly less, b) I thought he was just a fundamentally lazy person, all our circle of friends made jokes about it, and c) depresssion was really not on the radar 10 years ago. I don’t know if discussing his mental health a year earlier would have saved our relationship (we were so young), but I certainly believe it would have affected my reactions to things he did (i.e. missing deadlines for term papers).

You have married this man, it sounds like he has a lot of good qualities and you love him. I would try to discuss depression with him, and maybe see a therapist. There is a difference between introversion and depression.

Post # 14
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI

Oh my dear. I’m copying and pasting your entire thread because I want to comment on most pieces.

I think you are my former self. I was you. I really was.

THIS IS SO LONG AND I’M SO SORRY.

 

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, maybe just somewhere to vent and let this go. Nobody in my family knows (or friends), and I just don’t have the heart to discuss this with anyone yet.

  • I was also in this boat. I didn’t know who to go to. I didn’t know who to tell. I ended up venting to my coworkers cuz they felt safe, they felt like unjudging family members. I didn’t even know how I could tell my parents or my actual family at first.

I love my husband deeply. He’s kind, caring, and gentle. I feel lucky that I get to be his wife. However, since we’ve been married we’ve become so polarized that I don’t even know how to cope anymore. He’s introverted and prefers to stay at home while I’m extremely adventurous and extroverted. We’ve been able to compromise when we were dating, but now it’s completely out the window and we’ve become even further apart on the spectrum. He wants to go absolutely nowhere, whereas I want to see the world and do crazy things like skydiving and bungee jumping. 

  • I also cared for my now-ex-husband. I really did. I loved him like a brother and a best friend. I now understand that I didn’t love him the way I love my now-husband. 
  • My ex was the nicest, kindest human. He was a wonderful person and very nice to everyone.
  • He was very introverted. He wanted to do a bit more immature things like video games and card games with his friends at home.
  • I’m very extroverted. I wanted to go out and meet new people and see new things all the time. 

There’s a country he’s always wanted to go see, and I suggested we travel there. I barely got any reaction, just an “I dunno maybe.” I thought it was something that would make him happy, but how wrong I was. I’m now going out and doing things with friends who want to adventure with me, and it makes me sad that we just do nothing together anymore. He’d rather stay home and play video games. Even when I’m home, I feel like we’re 100000 miles apart.

  • He always wanted to go to Japan and so did I. I suggested it. He didn’t really feel up to it. He just wanted more of staying home.
  • I started going out more and not coming home after work and hanging out with other friends and coworkers. I barely was home.

Another issue is his job. I’m career motivated and driven, and he’s….not. He’s been stuck in an entry level dead end job for years. He doesn’t want to advance in the company, nor does he want to find a new job. He’s miserable, yet makes no attempt at finding something better. When we were dating, he made a little bit of an effort to look, but the economy was shit at the time so I attributed it to that. Now it’s picked up, and he is putting in zero effort. I even helped make an entirely new, fresh resume for him and he tells me that he doesn’t want a new job “yet” but “maybe later.” It is so frustrating to me since he’s been so unhappy for years, yet won’t change. I know this will make me sound like a terrible person, but this job is making me feel less attracted to him. Kids in high school do this job, and here he is in his early 30s doing the same one. I even lie to my coworkers about his job because I’m so embarrassed.

  • I’m very driven and want to be very successful in my career. I have a job within the field I got a degree in and I love it. I keep moving up each year and I’ve always strived to do better.
  • When we were engaged (in college) he hid from me that he withdrew from a bunch of his classes and just stayed home and played video games. 
  • He failed out of that college and tried another one after I graduated. He also dropped out of that one. Last I heard (after we divorced) he was going to tech school, but I think he also dropped out of that.
  • He worked at a sports equipment store and was content with just staying there for forever. Last I knew he still works there (years later now).
  • He never wanted to be better at school, never wanted to do better in his job or get a decent career, and that BUGGED ME. So much. 

This whole situation makes me feel sick. I have no idea what to do and I feel stuck.

  • You are former me, bee. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
  • The best advice I can give you is the advice I wish someone had given me:
  • Be brave.
  • Stay strong.
  • Ask for a divorce.
  • Tell your family. They’ll be shocked at first (mine were) but they DO understand and they WILL support you every step of the way.
  • Move out.
  • Be single for a little bit—this doesn’t have to be THAT long if that scares you. 
    • I was single for about 8 months and then I met my now-husband. Just need a little time to be you and figure out what you do and don’t want in a husband.
  • Move on.
    • I’m now SO HAPPILY married and I can’t even believe I could ever be this happy. It’s mind-blowing how different life can be. My husband is very different from my ex in so many ways. He’s totally career-focussed and driven. He’s so adventurous and spontaneous. He’s always wanting to do new things and try things and be bold. But, he’s the same level of kind and caring.
    • My ex is dating someone else (has been for a few years) and she’s the opposite of me. She wears sweatpants (I love dresses, lol) and she’s an introvert to the core. She’s very nice and I’ve met her a few times just out and about. She’s perfect for him. 
  • Love yourself.
    • You can do this, bee. It will be SO HARD AND SO SCARY. I know, trust me. I’ve been there. It’s the actual worst. But you can do it. You can be HAPPIER.
  • Reach out to me if you need a friend that’s been there. 
    • I’m always here. If you need advice on anything in this regard, please don’t hesitate. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and it sucked. But I’ve come out on top and I’m so grateful I did what I needed to do.

_______

 

My timeline was this:

January—Basically this realization you’ve just had.

Feburary—Told him my feelings and “separated”

March-May—Worked on myself while we still lived together. He wanted to “be better”. He never got better or tried or did anything really. ETA: Told my parents and family.

June—Filed for Divorce officially. Mutually. Jointly. He understood.

August—I moved out. I took my cat.

September-December—Mandatory 6-month waiting period from the courthouse (they try to make you work it out and force you to wait 6 months here, could be different in your state). I worked on myself and went out and met new people. It was kind of awesome living alone with just my cat.

January, new year—Finalized Divorce. We hugged goodbye at the courthouse. It was bittersweet.

 

Best of luck, bee. Stay strong. 

Post # 15
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

Everyone is focusing on your husband, so I will focus on you. 

You say you’ve BOTH become polarized – do you find yourself moving further down the spectrum as well? Do you think his introverted-ness is pushing you to be more extroverted? The way you write reminds me of a friend during her manic episodes. Becoming MORE outgoing, wanting to do really wild things. I’m not saying you are, but I’m wondering if this opposite-ness is pushing you too far, maybe to try and pull him out? Anyways, it doesn’t sound very healthy on either end. He may be depressed, or maybe he put on the “dating show” and this is how he really is. It’s hard to say. I do think counselling of some sort would be good.

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