- Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI
Oh my dear. I’m copying and pasting your entire thread because I want to comment on most pieces.
I think you are my former self. I was you. I really was.
THIS IS SO LONG AND I’M SO SORRY.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here, maybe just somewhere to vent and let this go. Nobody in my family knows (or friends), and I just don’t have the heart to discuss this with anyone yet.
- I was also in this boat. I didn’t know who to go to. I didn’t know who to tell. I ended up venting to my coworkers cuz they felt safe, they felt like unjudging family members. I didn’t even know how I could tell my parents or my actual family at first.
I love my husband deeply. He’s kind, caring, and gentle. I feel lucky that I get to be his wife. However, since we’ve been married we’ve become so polarized that I don’t even know how to cope anymore. He’s introverted and prefers to stay at home while I’m extremely adventurous and extroverted. We’ve been able to compromise when we were dating, but now it’s completely out the window and we’ve become even further apart on the spectrum. He wants to go absolutely nowhere, whereas I want to see the world and do crazy things like skydiving and bungee jumping.
- I also cared for my now-ex-husband. I really did. I loved him like a brother and a best friend. I now understand that I didn’t love him the way I love my now-husband.
- My ex was the nicest, kindest human. He was a wonderful person and very nice to everyone.
- He was very introverted. He wanted to do a bit more immature things like video games and card games with his friends at home.
- I’m very extroverted. I wanted to go out and meet new people and see new things all the time.
There’s a country he’s always wanted to go see, and I suggested we travel there. I barely got any reaction, just an “I dunno maybe.” I thought it was something that would make him happy, but how wrong I was. I’m now going out and doing things with friends who want to adventure with me, and it makes me sad that we just do nothing together anymore. He’d rather stay home and play video games. Even when I’m home, I feel like we’re 100000 miles apart.
- He always wanted to go to Japan and so did I. I suggested it. He didn’t really feel up to it. He just wanted more of staying home.
- I started going out more and not coming home after work and hanging out with other friends and coworkers. I barely was home.
Another issue is his job. I’m career motivated and driven, and he’s….not. He’s been stuck in an entry level dead end job for years. He doesn’t want to advance in the company, nor does he want to find a new job. He’s miserable, yet makes no attempt at finding something better. When we were dating, he made a little bit of an effort to look, but the economy was shit at the time so I attributed it to that. Now it’s picked up, and he is putting in zero effort. I even helped make an entirely new, fresh resume for him and he tells me that he doesn’t want a new job “yet” but “maybe later.” It is so frustrating to me since he’s been so unhappy for years, yet won’t change. I know this will make me sound like a terrible person, but this job is making me feel less attracted to him. Kids in high school do this job, and here he is in his early 30s doing the same one. I even lie to my coworkers about his job because I’m so embarrassed.
- I’m very driven and want to be very successful in my career. I have a job within the field I got a degree in and I love it. I keep moving up each year and I’ve always strived to do better.
- When we were engaged (in college) he hid from me that he withdrew from a bunch of his classes and just stayed home and played video games.
- He failed out of that college and tried another one after I graduated. He also dropped out of that one. Last I heard (after we divorced) he was going to tech school, but I think he also dropped out of that.
- He worked at a sports equipment store and was content with just staying there for forever. Last I knew he still works there (years later now).
- He never wanted to be better at school, never wanted to do better in his job or get a decent career, and that BUGGED ME. So much.
This whole situation makes me feel sick. I have no idea what to do and I feel stuck.
- You are former me, bee. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
- The best advice I can give you is the advice I wish someone had given me:
- Be brave.
- Stay strong.
- Ask for a divorce.
- Tell your family. They’ll be shocked at first (mine were) but they DO understand and they WILL support you every step of the way.
- Move out.
- Be single for a little bit—this doesn’t have to be THAT long if that scares you.
- I was single for about 8 months and then I met my now-husband. Just need a little time to be you and figure out what you do and don’t want in a husband.
- Move on.
- I’m now SO HAPPILY married and I can’t even believe I could ever be this happy. It’s mind-blowing how different life can be. My husband is very different from my ex in so many ways. He’s totally career-focussed and driven. He’s so adventurous and spontaneous. He’s always wanting to do new things and try things and be bold. But, he’s the same level of kind and caring.
- My ex is dating someone else (has been for a few years) and she’s the opposite of me. She wears sweatpants (I love dresses, lol) and she’s an introvert to the core. She’s very nice and I’ve met her a few times just out and about. She’s perfect for him.
- Love yourself.
- You can do this, bee. It will be SO HARD AND SO SCARY. I know, trust me. I’ve been there. It’s the actual worst. But you can do it. You can be HAPPIER.
- Reach out to me if you need a friend that’s been there.
- I’m always here. If you need advice on anything in this regard, please don’t hesitate. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and it sucked. But I’ve come out on top and I’m so grateful I did what I needed to do.
My timeline was this:
January—Basically this realization you’ve just had.
Feburary—Told him my feelings and “separated”
March-May—Worked on myself while we still lived together. He wanted to “be better”. He never got better or tried or did anything really. ETA: Told my parents and family.
June—Filed for Divorce officially. Mutually. Jointly. He understood.
August—I moved out. I took my cat.
September-December—Mandatory 6-month waiting period from the courthouse (they try to make you work it out and force you to wait 6 months here, could be different in your state). I worked on myself and went out and met new people. It was kind of awesome living alone with just my cat.
January, new year—Finalized Divorce. We hugged goodbye at the courthouse. It was bittersweet.
Best of luck, bee. Stay strong.