(Closed) I feel so tired. In my soul. (long)

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m in a hell of a slump at present, and I’m hoping that if I write about it and talk about it, I can figure it out and maybe find a way to feel a little better.

You know that sigh you let out when you thought you had washed all the dishes but then realize there are still two big filthy pots sitting on the stove that you forgot about? I am that sigh in human form at the moment.

The backstory: Darling Husband and I met and fell in love while living in the DC area. We had a boatload of friends through a mutual hobby — in fact, that hobby is how we met each other in the first place. But Darling Husband is in the Army, so eventually our time in DC ran out and we had to move. We chose to come to the Seattle area, since my parents and sister live here and Darling Husband had gone to nursing school here so he loved the area. And his best friend lives here too! It seemed like the perfect place to move to.

I was able to transfer my job so I still work for the same people, but I work remotely out of the local office out here. Because I do not actually work for/with the people in this office with me, I hardly interact with them at all through the day. And the head honchos in DC are slowly forgetting that I exist — out of sight, out of mind.

My family, while much closer than they were when we lived back east, is still a good 45 minute drive away from our house. So it’s not like I can just pop over there on a whim and hang out. And the hobby that brought me and Darling Husband together, and is how we had made all our friends back in DC, kind of sucks out here. It sucks a lot, actually. It’s the same activity, but instead of being populated by cool older people with their lives in check, it’s populated by a bunch of 22-year-old singles trying to hook up with each other. We hate it and don’t participate in this hobby anymore at all. Which is really sad.

After moving here in October of 2012, I became pregnant sooner than expected in mid-January of 2013. This put a pretty serious damper on Operation Make Some Friends, because I couldn’t drink and wasn’t interested in going out to bars to just sit there and sip on water. I was also pretty exhausted a lot of the time. Then Audrey was born in October, and since then I feel like I’m on this treadmill where my entire life is a to-do list that gets added to as quickly as I am able to take things off of it.

I’m able to keep up with the treadmill, but there’s no joy in it. I keep the baby’s clothes and cloth diapers clean. I always wash her bottles on time. The house is clean. There’s always food prepared. But I don’t really get to feel proud about that because there’s also 500 things that HAVEN’T been done and are still waiting for our (mostly my) attention. I know that I’ll get to them, but they’ll be replaced by new tasks a moment later. So I’m just tired.

My days are a big gray lump. I get home around 5 from picking Dirty Delete up at daycare, and she has her bath and prepares for bed at 6. So during that hour, I try to play with and enjoy her as much as I can, but I also have to wash the bottles and deal with the cloth diapers and eat something. The only respite I get is after Dirty Delete goes to bed … but I usually only relax long enough to maybe have a glass of wine before going upstairs and getting in bed myself. After all, Dirty Delete is still pretty unpredictable at night so if I don’t go to bed really early, I could end up severely screwed when that alarm goes off at 5AM.

Because she wakes up at 5 every morning during the week, the best I can hope for on weekends is to sleep in until 5:30 or 6. This means I still don’t stay awake past 9 on Friday and Saturday nights. We have no one to watch the baby if Darling Husband and I were to go out and do something, so we don’t go out and do anything. Darling Husband goes to his home brew club meetings, which I absolutely allow and encourage him to do, while I stay home with the baby. No point in us both being lonely and miserable. So Darling Husband is making lots of new friends and getting really deep into a new hobby while I sit at home reading The Cat in the Hat to an infant. He keeps saying I should come out and meet the wives of the guys he’s befriending, but hellooooo, someone has to watch the baby and that someone is me. Darling Husband feels bad and always offers to take Dirty Delete all day one Saturday or Sunday so I can have some time to myself, but there’s nothing I even want to do with my time. I go get a pedicure and then come home. That’s it.

I don’t know if it’s a new parent thing, or a winter thing (I am very outdoorsy and am excited for summer so I can take the baby out for hikes in her ergo and jogging stroller), or a no friends thing, or what. But I feel like I’m just kinda getting through the days with no particular endgame in sight and it sucks. It sucks that the Seattle version of our hobby is no fun. It sucks that Darling Husband has friends and I don’t. It sucks that there is nothing I want to do with a full day to myself. When I was miserable in high school, it was okay because I knew that eventually I would graduate and move on to college and leave that dumpy world behind. But now I’m afraid that I’ll be stuck on this treadmill indefinitely, and I don’t want to waste a single second of my life being unhappy.

But I am. 🙁

I don’t really know what I want from this post. Commiseration? Advice? Sympathy? Reason for optimism?? I’ll take whatever you’ve got.

Post # 3
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@iarebridezilla:  All I can offer is a big internet hug.  I know how you feel, and some days are harder than others.  I do think that with your baby being so young, some of your angst is typical, normal, plain-old adjustment period crap.

I think you have a lot going on.  The weather, the move, getting into a mom groove, it’s an awful big bite to chew.

I’m not going to say it gets so much easier, because my lame ass is in bed by about 9am most nights, even weekends.  Ok, who am I kidding, if I see 9pm it’s a miracle.

It’s important to keep a little bit of yourself though.  I still try to meet up with other moms for brunch, sometimes with the kids, sometimes without.  Honestly though, having a major extracirricular activity at this point is harder than what I really care to bother with.  I bowl on a league which is great, but it’s a hassle getting there on time and half the time I bring the baby.  Yep, I bring my 10 month old baby to a bowling alley.  Mom of the Year, right here :/

Hang in there, definitely see what you can manage in terms of meeting new people, moms or otherwise.  Hire a sitter if you need to.  Do like, ONE date night, baby-free, every other month.  It’s important.  And hang in there.  Enjoy your sweet cherub baby, but remember that you are a PERSON too.

Post # 4
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@iarebridezilla:  Oh my dear, you have my sympathy! I’m currently going through a lonely slump – I wish I was in Seattle and I’d come sit on your couch and we could just hang out and talk and feel like normal people and then go to bed at 9pm. I think you have a lot to offer as a friend, I hope you can find a new hobby and meet some great people soon! 

Thinking about spring coming and being able to go for walks outside when its not a frozen tundra of despair really keeps me going. 

Post # 5
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@DaneLady:  Thanks for the hugs 🙂  I am really hoping that when spring comes and it’s not so dreary all the time, that things will start to feel a little better for me. I have one potential friend-couple that is very into hiking and has two little kids, so once hiking season is back, I will have an excuse to invite them out to do something. I had joined a moms club during my maternity leave and loved those ladies, but they are all SAHMs so their meetings are always while I am at work. So I sigh again. But, they are having a kid-free event in a couple of weeks on a Saturday night and one of them emailed me specifically to invite me. I thought that was so sweet. I’ll definitely be going to that!

Darling Husband and I plan on doing a “date day” sometime soon as well. Take a vacation day and drop Dirty Delete off at daycare and spend the day together doing whatever. Go out for a big fancy lunch instead of dinner. Hopefully that resets us a little bit.

Post # 6
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@iarebridezilla:  Hey you…I am so sorry you are feeling so blue.  I am not a mother, do not have an infant/child to take care of, live in a city with lots of family and friends, enjoy whom I work with, and am still pretty effing miserable at the moment!!  I think between the two of us, you absolutely have the right to sing the blues – more so than myself, but no matter what or why…a funk is a funk, and it SUCKS!

I completely empathize with you in that way.  For me, I can admit that the hard winter has taken a huge toll on me, and my emotions.  We have the option to pick up, and go out whenever we want, but we do not, because we do not want to ‘deal with’ being cold, brushing off our cars, etc, etc.  It is so dark and dreary here too, and so when I get home from work – at 530pm, and the sun is almost setting, all I want to do is go to bed!! AND THAT IS PRETTY MUCH WHAT I DO!!!!

All of these things, as far as I go, are excuses I use which inhibit my overall happy demeanor, but oh well, excuses are all I have to give.  

I do not pretend to understand your predicament per se, and I know many of my friends are in your same boat, but I have to ask if there is a reason you have not sought out a babysitter to call so you can get out (excluding family or friends!). Is it because it is so expensive? Or, you would not trust a ‘stranger’ with your child??  That is what most of my friends say, but sometimes I wonder if finding someone, after extensive research and interviews, would be a small glimmer of hope to get out for a short bit with your Darling Husband, his new friends, and their wives?!  I say that with no ill-intention, and admitting I have no clue what I will think or feel as a one day mother…:)  

Spring is ALMOST, so far away, here…I think we can all agree that sunshine will bring a better mood, and even taking a long walk with your Dirty Delete in the evenings, would make you feel better…right??

Post # 7
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@kenziemt:  ugh, that is all I want — to sit on the couch and chat and drink wine until bedtime!!! But the baby never seems to have much to say. 

I know I should also be more aggressive about setting up ‘dates’ with my sister. Her daugher is only a year older than mine and we get along well these days. But we were never close growing up, so it seems weird to all of a sudden be like “YO SIS LET’S DO LUNCH.” But really I need to start doing that before I start talking to the walls.

Post # 8
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@iarebridezilla:  Have you found other Mothers in your area? My friend made lots of friends with other Mothers from the Day Care their Dirty Delete goes to. It’s hard, but they still make time to get together, sometimes with kids, sometimes without.

Look around for some Mother’s groups and plan some play dates. The women you click with, invite out for a drink on Fri or Sat night for an hour or two. 

Once you get the ball rolling, one thing I do with 2 girlfriends who have kids is have a Friday night “Happy Hour”. After the kids are asleep, the husbands watch the kids, and we rotate who’s house we go to. So from 8-10, we just chat and drink wine and eat guacomole/chips. We rarely have time to talk during the week. But having that 2 hours is the highlight of my week. 

Post # 9
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

@iarebridezilla:  that totally sucks that you are feeling this way, it’s probably a combo of big life changes and the crappy winter. why can’t you bring the baby to meet the wives of the guys he’s befrending? I brought my daughter with me tons of places when she was an infant and I think it was really good for both of us. if you get home after bedtime it’s not the end of the world, especially since it seems like her schedule is usually pretty consistent. I would just stick my daughter in the ergo, and she would usually fall asleep at some point.  the other thing I could reccomend is trying a later bedtime. at this point she will likely easily adjust her schedule, and you might get to sleep in a little more in the mornings!

Post # 10
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@OUgal0004:  I think the babysitter thing is more of a ‘don’t trust a stranger with my child’ thing … because she’s so young, so she has so many specific needs and it would take so long to go over them with someone, and it would take so long to even find that person, that I just don’t bother. My parents usually go out of town to their vacation cabin every weekend, but they have said they’re going to start staying in town one weekend a month so that they can babysit Audrey and my niece and release us parents out into the world for a night. But they haven’t actually followed through yet. Hopefully soon! And of course once Audrey is older it will be much easier to leave her with a sitter. So, I guess there’s that light at the end of the tunnel …

… except that we plan on trying for a second child sooner rather than later. Better to just pack all the misery into a few years rather than drawing it out over a long time, haha.

Post # 11
Member
474 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Know exactly how you feel.  A few options … pack up the baby and go with your husband, especially if he is encouraging you.  Socialize.  You will feel 10x’s better.  It’s all about having adult conversations, and people, especially woman, really do love having a baby around.  Having a baby shouldn’t stop you.  Go to dinner with your husband and baby.  She is portable 🙂  I went every where with the kids, didn’t stop me.  Now when they get to 1 YO or older, sometimes it can be more challenging, however, I am a firm believer that a child will not know how to act/behave in public if they are not exposed to public activities.  Make sense ?  Not to toot my horn, however, I get a ton of compliments on how well my boys behave (age 8, 10 and 10) in public and at events.  They went everywhere. 

Also, do not feel that you have to be super woman.  I worked and did the super mom thing, and got burned out.  I would enjoy your hour with the baby, do the bottles quick after bed then relax.  Can you Darling Husband do bath time while you do bottles or vice versa ?  Or while he bathes you clean, do a load of laundry or you bathe and he does the chores ??  Team work helps a ton and lifts a lot of burden off of you.  If the house needs to be dusted, vacuumed …meh.  Dust and dirt is not going any where.  It can wait.  Your baby won’t be a baby forever.  So, slow down, enjoy your time, stop being super woman/mom and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy your time.  Take that baby out, go out, have fun ! Instead of it all feeling like a burden, it will all turn to a positive.  You got this.

Post # 12
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

“Dust and dirt is not going any where.  It can wait.  Your baby won’t be a baby forever. ” So true! Your child wont be permanently harmed if the house is dirty. But being stress out all the time affects the relationship you have with her. 

I know my relationship with my Mom has been permanently damaged because she was “into” having a clean house and not connecting with me. 

Post # 13
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KoiKove:  

@Moonbear17:  

@charmedbee:  I think you’re all right that I need to get a little more aggressive about finding reasons to get out of the house, and not be afraid to take the baby with me. She is so sweet and well-behaved, but I still always resist taking her places other than family’s houses. I guess because it’s such a pain to figure out and bring everything she will need. And she spits up so much so I hate taking her out while I’m wearing nice clothes, haha. I just always worry that she will have some sort of meltdown and we will have to leave wherever we are, which would be even worse than just staying home. We took her to a Victorian Christmas festival with DH’s best friend and his wife in December, and she completely melted down and we had to leave early. It was so disappointing.

But she’s older now and even better behaved. So I really need to bite the bullet and start getting out there.

Post # 14
Member
4525 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@iarebridezilla:  sounds like a case of the winter blahs with a side of baby blues. The structure of my life is very different from yours, but I have that same “going through the motions” feeling, and it’s hard to shake. I want to do so much more, but I just don’t, and it disappoints me. I’m up at 6 every morning, but struggle to stay awake past 9 PM, which I know Fiance hates. I just constantly feel like I’m only getting by, nothing more. I hope the Spring comes soon and warms us both up to life a little.

Post # 15
Member
9642 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@iarebridezilla:  * Hugs *  I hope things get better for you soon. 

Hmmm.  That sounds like a lame Hallmark card, sorry.  I can’t add to the great advice you’ve already gotten from everyone but just wanted to say I understand and I’ve been in a funk lately, too.  Winter sucks.  I’m sick of it, I hate February and March weather.  I can’t wait for spring. 

Hang in there for April.

Post # 16
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@charmedbee:  Darling Husband and I are a pretty good team in the evenings — when he gets home from work in time to help me, that is — but I think part of the problem I have is that we have totally different attitudes. He would rather sit down and have a beer to relax before starting on chores, while I would rather get the chores done and then have the beer afterwards as a reward for a job well done. So what ends up happening is I rage-vacuum the living room while Darling Husband reclines on the couch with a beer and yells at me to come sit down and relax dammit we can vacuum later. Haha it’s no good. Maybe I should listen to him!!!

And, maybe I should find out how expensive it is to have maids come clean our house once a month or so. it can’t be that much.

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