Post # 1
I love my husband very much but I really need to vent this morning!
Lately I’ve felt really unappreciated. I feel like I do everything around the house. I do all of his and my laundry, I clean the kitchen floors and vacuum the entire house multiple times every week, I dust all of our black furniture constantly, I change out the sheets, I clean out the fridge, I wipe down the counters, etc. On top of that I am constantly picking up after DH which is very frustrating but I still do it without complaining, all while working full-time.
I work from home so I don’t mind taking charge of the house until things like the following happen: I went out of town a few weeks ago and DH had to do the laundry for maybe the second time this year. I came home and he had washed and folded his laundry but mine was still in my hamper, dirty. Like, I’ve done this for you all year and the one time I’m out of town you can’t do it for me?
DH’s birthday is coming up and I’ve really wanted to do something special for him. We don’t get to vacation together often so I thought it would be great to get away for a weekend and take him to his favorite restaurant and do some of his favorite things. I set aside some of my spending money so that we could have a weekend away but when I tried finialize everything he was rather unenthusiastic. He ended up telling me that he’d be just as happy staying home. I’m sure he meant it in a good way but for whatever reason it made me a little sad. And then this morning DH’s coworker, W, called DH while he was getting ready for work. W told DH that last night his wife surprised him with two new video games and cooked him dinner and made cookies. DH was amazed by this and said things like “Wow that’s wife of the year! I can’t believe she did all of that for you! Bring some of the cookies so I can try them. When I get to work we should make a Facebook post about how awesome she is!” After they hung up he came over to wake me up by reiterating what W’s wife had done for W. I don’t know why this irked me so much but it did. I feel like I try to do things for DH constantly but they go unnoticed or he isn’t enthusiastic. I feel like the things I try to plan are always the wrong things and elicit no response. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a reaction like that from him for anything!
Like I said I love my husband and I’m not saying he doesn’t do anything for our home or our marriage. He takes out the trash and helps with the dogs when he’s here. He does little projects around the house and deals with the yard worker but… it just feels like I do so much more. I don’t expect a thank you for everything I do but I guess sometimes I would just like a reaction close to what W’s wife got for buying a video game I know I’m still adjusting to being married and being a wife so maybe I’m looking at the situation the wrong way. Does anyone have any advice or insight?
Post # 2
I know how you feel, trust me! I learned that my fiance really appreciates things that I say to him or do with him, rather than the things I do for him. I told him how our love languages are so different and what he could do to really help me feel appreciated and loved. So, we made compromises and adjusted a little!
If you feel comfortable talking to your hubs about this, then I highly suggest doing so! Explain to him what you’re feeling and how you would feel if he did A, B, and C.
Another way of going about it is to just STOP doing things for him and around the house! It will get messy and frustrating, trust me, but once he see’s that you haven’t done the things that you usually do for him and your home, he’ll be like, “wow, I had no idea that she maintained it so well and I never acknowledged it.” May give him a whole new perspective!
Good luck! xoxo
Post # 3
Advice – Say everything you just said to HIM! It’s such a healthy, normal issue for two people that letting it go without addressing it isn’t worth the resentment. It’s obvious you both love and respect eachother, so trust him to understand where you’re coming from. He wouldn’t want you to feel that way. And I’m sure once he understands that it’s happening, he’ll express his appreciation for you more.
Post # 4
Your post is perfect. Say it all, every last detail to your DH. He needs to learn that you are not a maid service he gets to just expect . DH and I agree that key to a healthy marriage is THANKFULNESS. He and I practice appreciation daily. It is essential to a happy life full of compassion and care between partners! He, quite frankly, is taking the P.I.S.S
Post # 5
I would personally stop doing some of the work around the house and once he realizes how much you really do he will appreciate you. Also do you really need to do his laundry? Me and DH each do our own laundry it works very well, I really don’t enjoy doing anyone elses’ laundry (even DH) and I feel perfectly capable of doing my own. We’ve never had a problem.
We als try to share household chores, he does most of the cooking, i do the clean up afterwards, that sort of thing. It does make things a bit easier. good luck!
Post # 6
have you read/looked into the Five Love Languages book/materials?
DH and I have two very different love languages… DH’s is receiving gifts. Mine is acts of service. If how you express and receive love differs, he could be looking for a different demonstration from you that youre not showing (and vice versa!).
For example, I feel really loved when DH works on our kitchen renovation without my asking or my help. He feels really loved when I pick up a pair of shoes he’s been eyeing for no special occasion.
I’d encourage you to look into 5LL and get a better idea! 🙂
Post # 7
Tell him how you feel. He won’t know and will assume nothing is wrong if you don’t let him know. Men aren’t mind readers. Also, stop picking up after him and doing his laundry, he has proven he is capable of doing it himself.
Post # 8
This is not acceptable. Especially if he knows how to appreciate another man’s wife. Talk to him. If he still doesn’t appreciate, then flip the script.
Post # 9
I had some experience with this not to the extent that you did but he wasn’t helping as much as I would like so I gave him two choices:
Hire a cleaner
Clean up after himself
In the mean time don’t do HIS laundry I understand the other things not getting done would effect you but the clothes will only effect him. When he runs out of clean underwear he might get the hint you are not a maid.
Post # 10
I would really sit down and talk to your husband. Check out the book love and respect. It has helped my marriage quite a bit.
Post # 11
yep what she said. The 5 love languages will help him see that you’re expressing your love differently and make you see that you could learn to speak his. And vice versa.
Post # 12
STOP doing all the chores yourself.
RESIST the temptation to follow him around picking things up. (Gravity is there for a reason.)
DON’T expect housework perfection but settle for equality.
DO the chores together – it’s much more efficient.
CHANGE the black furniture to something that doesn’t show the dust.
STOP vacuuming/sweeping multiple time a week. Are you mad? This isn’t necessary unless you are having building work done or you’re in the middle of a hurricane.
IF the dog is causing the mess have it clipped and if necessary vacuum it. (Ditto husband.) Instigate rules that dog has its feet wiped on a towel before it comes into the house. (Ditto husband.)
BUY husband video – of how to cook and do housework.
BUY yourself lacy negligee to swan around in.
DEMAND diamond jewellery for Christmas.
EXPLORE the possibility of hiring a cleaner.
HIRE a small office or even a desk space so that you don’t work from home any more.
TAKE up an exciting hobby to get you out of the house.
STOP being a perfectionist and make sure you don’t have OCD. (I’m a little worried about you.)
REMEMBER that a MESSY HOUSE = a CREATIVE MIND.
Post # 13
You should read the book Why Men Love Bitches. You can buy a second hand copy on Ebay for 5-6 dollars…it’ll change your life
Post # 14
True story: my mom was also the one to do all of the cleaning, and was constantly picking up after my dad. One day she just got fed up with it. She started collecting all of the stuff he didn’t put away – wrappers that he didn’t throw in the trash, socks he left on the floor, etc – and she put them in a box. After a week or 2, she dumped all of the things into his favorite chair (he was not sitting in it at the time, lol) When he got home he said “What’s all of this??” And she said “It’s all of the crap you left around the house for the past week. I thought you’d like to put it away.” After that, he got much better about picking up after himself lol!
Post # 15
Forward to him! Not just part, every word. He needs to know exact examples and your post is great at stating how u feel, how certain situations have made you feel and how you love and appreciate him too.
“I’d like to speak to you about how I’ve been feeling lately, I wrote it down for clarity- please read this”
maybe it’s just me But My husband responds better to reading over a discussion or heated argument.