I feel unwelcome in FI’s house..

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would not help pay for a house that I did not like, did not want, and was not allowed to change. Hell to the no.

Post # 4
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

but he also wants me to help pay for it once I’m out of grad school.

Nope. No, no, no, no, no. Tell him that ain’t happening unless you buy the house together. And you decide together.

EDIT: ….and didn’t adress the reason for the post: Of course you feel unwelcome! He doesn’t seem to be doing anything to change that.

Post # 5
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I would not help pay for a house that I did not like, did not want, and was not allowed to change. Hell to the no.

THIS!  And add to that list, “was not made to feel welcome in”.  If my Fiance was making me feel unwelcome in his home, I am not sure he would be my Fiance anymore, but maybe that’s another topic entirely!  

Post # 6
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i moved into my husbands house and i’ll be honest he was very set in his ways about changes because he was use to having this entire house to himself and suddenly he has to share his space

my only suggestion is its like the water drip torture treatment, slowly get things changed the way you want them a little bit at a time.  he didnt want a king size bed (we now have on but he picked the mattress), he wanted a black leather couch (i let him pick the couch style he wanted but in the color i wanted) and the curtains (his choice of color but my choice of fabric).   it also took a while for him to stop saying “my house” because each time he said it i reminded him that it was now ours

going forward i would be telling him that its not sensible to think nothing will ever change in the house. its suppose to be a home for both of you and that means you feeling welcomed inside it

Post # 7
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

That was the first thing that stuck out to me too… helping him pay for it when you were there and gave your opinion that fell on deaf ears AND that he wont let you change anything and make it feel more homey and welcome.  No.  Now I understand if you move in there with him and you help out with some bills and groceries or maybe a little rent, so its not a free ride, but in no way in hell would I do something like pay for as much as half as my contribution to his how that I dont get any say in.

 

Post # 8
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with PPs on everything. 

How long has he had the house/lived on his own? I would not put up with that type of attitude for one minute. He needs to compromise and make you feel welcome. I would not be contributing to the mortgage if he wouldn’t even let me change something as trivial as the curtains. 

Post # 9
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@MrsMagnus:  Huh? no! honestly, I would take this as a warning of what’s to come

Post # 11
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MrsMagnus:  It sounds like you already know what you need to do, have a good head on your shoulders, and are being pretty reasonable about this. I certainly do not think you are creating or perpetuating this problem! I don’t really like the house Darling Husband and I live in, but I did not help pay for it and it was purchased before he even met me, which is a totally different situation – in yours I would be quite upset.

Post # 12
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

@MrsMagnus:  think of it as a selfish bad habit – hes had the entire playground to himself and now he has to share but you should also feel comfortable and confident enough to talk to him about it and good work on looking into conseling to talk about this

also going forward, have you discussed housework expectations once you move in – if he is stroppy about changing the curtains or towels then i hope he doesnt think its ok for you to do all the housekeeping

Post # 13
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

@Miss Apricot:  you said exactly what I was going to say. 

why in the world would someone who you’re going to spend the rest of your life treat you this way?  I don’t get it at all. By the time hubs and I were engaged I actually felt more comfortable at his house than in my own apartment, even though we didn’t officially cohabitate until after we were married

Post # 14
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Hun, my ex-husband was the same way. Honestly this issue was just one of many but it really was a sign that I did not matter. I am kicking myself now for not walking away sooner (before the DV). I tell this to all my friends: If you see any signs that your life together will not be a happy one really investigate it throughly. So many times we as women let our heart rule our head and we get burnt. Now this may be nothing more than he doesn’t understand but this may be a sign of extreme selfishness which is death to a marriage. So really investigate. Get outside opinions. He is auditioning for this job (husband) so he should at this point be willing to bend over backward. There really are a million fish in the sea so if this one isn’t right throw him back lol!

Post # 15
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Roe  Wait a second.  Are you saying a spouse shouldn’t have to help pay for a house if they didn’t buy it together? I’m guessing not, but it sounds a little like that.

My Fiance is moving into my house when we get married.  No we didn’t buy it together but I bought it some while before I met him.  We don’t plan on living there forever and I’m totally open to letting him change things as long as we agree together.  But on the other hand I totally expect him to help pay the mortgage as well.  I want to save up a nice large 50% or so downpayment for the next one. 

To answer the OP, you should talk to him about this.  He may not realize that he makes you feel like this.  Guys aren’t mind readers as my Fiance tells me. 

Post # 16
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Are you going to be happy living like this for the rest of your life?

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