I felt humiliated by MIL and husband :(

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
414 posts
Helper bee

They both were rude af. Its all fun and games… until the one making the most money loses job, gets sick, or demoted.

 

Post # 32
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

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Tatum :  I didn’t get that from the first post, OP never indicated that she was paying more in the initial post. She only said she felt offended by what they said and never defended it…

If OP is spending MORE than she used to prior to moving in, then they should probably find a more affordable place IMO.

My rent where I lived before was cheaper in total than the total rent we pay jointly now, but its still less per person because its split.

Post # 33
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

  

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twocaratpeony :  I don’t know that the costs are higher, but that’s irrelevant, really. The point is, husband for sure has more disposable income now with their current arrangement, since he was paying 100% and now he has a portion of that cost offset by OP.

 

And instead of acknowleging that to Mom, he acts like he’s bankrolling her. Unless he was clearly being facetious (and it doesn’t sound like he was), his comments were pretty offensive.

 

Also, in an update, OP said this:

In fact, I’d have less expenses than I do now because I used to live only 4 min away from work and my rent was significantly cheaper than his apartment. Now I have to spend more money on gas and contribute to the very expensive rent of his (now our) apartment, amongts other things I didn’t used to have to spend on when living on my own.

Post # 34
Member
2989 posts
Sugar bee

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is102017 :  Yea if they weren’t laughing or making light of it then it sounds like it was more cruel than just a joke or funny. I’m sorry Bee. 

And bottom line, your Mother-In-Law shouldn’t really butt in like that. 

Post # 36
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: USA

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bibliophilacticbee : 

“I’d have said, “That’s a great part of marriage. We share expenses and can afford more together! We both have more discretionary income now!” “

Exactly!! Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership where each benefits equally? When you get married (this is just my view anyway) you become one unit, including financially. There’s no more “his” and “mine” when it comes to the big stuff like money. What I don’t understand is why OP’s Mother-In-Law is even bringing up this nonsense “because of him you have this and that”? Seems pretty fucked up for her to start piecemealing their marriage like that. She needs to butt out. I’m sure most of this is due to OP’s husband divulging way too much information to his mother, which also indicates a certain degree of disrespect toward his wife. 

Post # 37
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

 

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is102017 :  In light of your most recent update, your husband was being a huge dick. So, you’re paying more out of pocket now than you did before, which he is POCKETING,  and he wants to act like he’s your financial savior, in front of other people?

 

You don’t have an in law problem. You have a husband problem. And you’re not being over sensitive.

Post # 38
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

They both owe you an apology and honestly I’d expect him to set the record straight about how he gets more discretionary spending, you get less because of his lifestyle choices. Then inform him that finances are not a topic of discussion with anyone in the family because that is seriously weird. 

Post # 39
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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is102017 :  What I’m gathering by your OP and your follow up posts is that your gut really picked up on something being insinuated by your Mother-In-Law and your husband during that conversation.  It is still eating at you because it was an undercurrent, possibly, more than something that was overtly stated.

Also, the “it was just a joke” thing doesn’t fly with me because that’s a typical cover-up when someone was being a jerk.  

This is a little like “Pretty In Pink,” have you seen it?  The Andy character (Molly Ringwald’s character) is raised in poverty and sensitive to her boyfriend’s being wealthier.  Very sensitive.  There is one scene that brings tears to my eyes – because he just does. not. get. it.  

Your situation reminds me of that.  I hope your husband can really understand that what he said is unacceptable and he needs to learn some sensitivity to those who didn’t grow up with the privilege of wealth, especially towards the wife he loves and is sharing his life with.

Good for you for being financially independent.  The best feeling in the world is always knowing you can take care of yourself, if necessary, and don’t need to rely on anyone else.

Post # 40
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

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is102017 :  Ah, I understand. It wasn’t clear in your original post. May I ask, besides the bigger place, why did you guys decide to stay in his apartment rather than find something else? If the costs are really 3x higher, that seems really harsh of him to have expected you to pony up the money when you already make less than him. Also, with your mil, did you feel uncomfortable defending yourself? If she views you in that light, like you’re benefitting so much from living with her son yet its false, I think you have every right to defend yourself and let her know some of the situation. Even though its not her business to know all the details, I do think its important that she doesn’t view you as a mooch because you are clearly very far from that and are supporting yourself well.

Post # 41
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Sunfire :   What I’m gathering by your OP and your follow up posts is that your gut really picked up on something being insinuated by your Mother-In-Law and your husband during that conversation

 

Exactly! It’s kind of like the husband and the mom are saying, look at OP, living in some shitty efficiency studio, eating grilled cheese sandwiches and ramen and watching basic cable, until WE came along and rescued her and deposited her into this beautiful, shiny apartment and we only charge her 30% instead of 50%! (because of course the poor dear can’t afford 50%). Aren’t we wonderful? Shouldn’t she feel sooo grateful?

 

*I’m using hyperbole to make a point, OP.

Post # 43
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Your problem is mainly with *him*! I would have (literally) gone across the table at him if he had the audacity to add to her rude comment. Don’t put up with that shit! I would have put *both* of them in their places and it wouldn’t have been pretty.  You need to revisit his comments with him so he knows what he did was unacceptable. 

Post # 44
Member
1492 posts
Bumble bee

Id take some time to lay out information boundaries with your husband. Review things that you want kept between the two of you and not shared with either set of parents, or any other friends or family unless asked and consented to ahead of time. Things such as; 

– Medical information If when you decide to have kids. 

– Your schedules (If you have pushy inlaws who look for windows to trap you into seeing them)

– Financial information. Including house payments, income, salaries, expenses, car payments etc. 

-Relatioship dynamics. No sharing details of disagreements with others outisde your marriage etc. (If either of you feels they NEED to confide in someone, they go get a therapist)

I think once you set these up it will be easier to deal with them and things they say. Also practice some phrases with him to shut down inappropriate questions. I find these hepful as in the moment it is VERY hard to find the words to shut something down as we all fear being too rude, or not harsh enough. Find a phrase that is just right and it will be much easier to say in the moment to address issues as they happen. Phrases such as; 

– That doesn’t work for us

– Thank you but we already decided on that

– That information is private

– We don’t discuss our finances outside our marriage

– How we spend our money is private

Post # 45
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

I would be super annoyed and let my husband know that those kinds of “jokes” aren’t cute or funny.

If your expenses are greater now than they were before you were married (and it sounds like your husband’s have decreased), then I would be having a conversation with my husband. Either you downsize to something more affordable or you pay towards rent what you previously paid.

Are your retirement accounts separate, too? If you’re contributing less now than you were pre-marriage this is an even bigger issue.

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