I felt like he wasnt there for me after surgery .. questioning engagement

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
7200 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

fireworks090 :  Woah. I don’t think you’re overreacting. I’d be really hurt and angry if my husband didn’t take care of me while I was recovering from surgery and I’d be screaming if he left me alone all weekend in that condition. The fact that he basically guilted you into staying home instead of getting the care you needed and deserved from your mother just makes it worse. That’s him valuing his pride over your comfort as well and that’s some bullshit. He obviously knew you’d need help because your mom was going to do it. Then he tried to play the part when she popped in for a visit by cooking dinner just that day. That’s nonsense. 

I think this requires a very serious conversation at the very least. But even if he apologized and promised to do better, you’d never know until you were in need again. Do you risk, say, getting married and pregnant and then see that he still isn’t helpful? 

Is he generally unhelpful/not compassionate? This seems like a really odd time for him to suddenly be an ass if he’s generally awesome. 

Post # 3
17 posts

I don’t know if this is a deal-breaker, but I’d be annoyed at the very least if I were you. From your story he does seem lacking in compassion. I’d worry that if I were have kids with him, I’d basically be on my own taking care of myself after the delivery as well as whenever the kids got sick.

Also, off-topic, but who takes off work just to sleep all day?! That strikes me as really immature, and I’d also be annoyed with that.

Post # 4
10670 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

All of that and he hurled insults at your family?  What a peach.  

Be very, very wary of *anyone* who shows a lack of a capacity for empathy.  It’s a bad sign and symptomatic of several possible types that you do not want in your life.

It is clear that this is not a guy you can count on.

I’d run far and run fast.

Post # 5
1560 posts
Bumble bee

Hmm no I don’t think it is normal. When I was seriously sick my fiancé cancelled plans to look after me, including Christmas celebrations. And came home from work at lunch to check on me. I would do the same for him no questions asked. I don’t think you should call off the engagement but definitely have a talk with him about it and expectations for being there each other.  Maybe he is innocently clueless. Maybe his parents left him at home to his own devices when he was sick as a kid so he doesn’t know any better?

Post # 6
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

What would have happened if you’d been home alone, he was out drinking with friends, and something happened which meant you had to go back to the hospital in a hurry? This behaviour is inexcusable in my book.  Put it this way: my Darling Husband had fairly major (scheduled) surgery before Christmas.  I went to several preliminary appointments with him, took the day of the surgery off so I could be with him until they took him down to the OR and be there when he got out.  I was basically off work until after Christmas – I did a couple of half days – so that I could a) be there for him in hospital and b) not leave him at home alone once he was discharged.  I don’t think this is anything unusual for a spouse to do and it never entered my head to go out with friends. I’d be running I think.

Post # 7
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

He is immature, you deserve better

Post # 8
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

He sounds like he is immature. The bars and such might be important to him, but you had surgery! Taking care of someone you love comes first, and that means not only physically, but emotionally. 

Post # 9
1012 posts
Bumble bee

fireworks090 :  This screams red flag to me. I literally threw my back out this morning, and my SO is trying to take care of me… he has the flu and has had a 101 degree fever for over 24 hours, and he’s trying to take care of me! (I did mess up my back trying to take care of him – we’re a pair). 

When you love someone, you take care of them – you don’t go to bars or only help them when someone else is around.

What happens when you get really sick? Or have children? 

Marriage is supposed to be in sickness and in health, and he’s not even holding up his end of the bargain now… it’s not going to magically change when you get married.

I’m not saying not to marry him, but I do recommend really weighing if this is something you can live with. 

Post # 10
610 posts
Busy bee

He’s an arsehole. A selfish and inconsiderate one at that.

My husband is fabulous, a real carer when I’m ill and even when I’m not!

I wouldn’t give him the time of day


Post # 11
1626 posts
Bumble bee

I would not marry him. Please get counseling for YOURSELF to sort out your feelings and examine your relationship.  You really deserve better, and should see his behaviors, many of them, as dysfunctional and wrong. Really wrong.

Post # 12
9172 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

when your mom visited, you should have just gone home with her.  your FI’s behaviour is inexcusable.  he said he was going to be there for you and he should have been.

Post # 13
364 posts
Helper bee

fireworks090 :  wow. Sorry you went through this. Is there any chance he’s cheating? Going out to bars without you so often and late and especially sleeping somewhere else the whole night when you’re recovering from surgery sounds like huge red flags. Even if he isn’t cheating, I’d be worried about him helping me w any illnesses or pregnancy and I’d rethink whether we were a good fit.

Post # 14
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Honestly Fiance took better care of me the last time I had a hangover.  You need to have a serious talk.

Post # 15
260 posts
Helper bee

How would you feel if a man did this to your mom? 

I wouldn’t be able to trust him ever again – he might make promises to change then do it again in 10 years. 

ETA: I also agree with the pp who said that this is a sign of lack of empathy. Keeping up the facade of being a caring boyfriend (which he clearly isn’t) was more important to him than your wellbeing. This definitely could be a sign of serious issues. 

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