Post # 1
Long back story, but I have had past issues with trusting my fiance due to past actions and now this week he just showed a lack of compassion that has me questioning things.
This week I required surgery unexpectedly. I became ill when he was out at the bar with friends, so I sent him a text saying I think he may need to take me to the ED. He said let him know if so and he’ll come home. He came home a few hours later and suggested I just try to relax and go to bed. I woke him around 4am and told him he needs to take me, which he did.
That day he took off work to sleep all day, but woke up to drive me to a follow up since I wasnt allowed to drive. He spent the entire time in the appointment on his phone, and when the doctor asked his opinion he didnt even realize he was being spoken to. He came back home and went to bed until going to work the next day.
The following day he went back to work, I had surgery scheduled for that night so he left an hour early to take me. My mother asked if he could bring me to their house (45 mins away) to recover as she knew he would be working during the week and so she could take care of me. He acted offended by this like it was her and I questioning that he was capable. I reassured him that it was to help him, but agreed to stay at our apartment and let him care for me.
The next morning he slept until work, didnt offer me breakfast or help to the bathroom or anything before running out the door. I was alone all day. The next day he again slept until the last minute, didnt offer me anything before work. My mom showed up on her own to spend the afternoon with me and when he found out he stopped at the store and made the 3 of us dinner before she went home.
After going to work the next day he came home and changed, then went out to the bars with friends … I didnt hear from him until 4am and he said he was staying at a friends since he had been drinking. He came home around 9am, showered and left right away again … went to a show with his friends that night and then out to the bars again. He came home at 2am. So he basically left me alone all weekend. Now Im feeling much better and he says “oh im glad youre feeling better, I dont like you being in pain and dont like being around to see it” REALLY?? Then why did you guilt me about the idea of having my mom taking care of me?
Sorry for the long rant. But I feel like this showed he cares for me so little. It hurts that he’d choose his friends and the bars over caring for me. And he also slung insults at my family in the midst, saying I just need to cut the umbilical cord already? (I am completely financially independent and only go to my mom for companionship not help?)
Is this a flag? Am I overreacting or is this normal male stuff 🙁
Post # 2
fireworks090 : Woah. I don’t think you’re overreacting. I’d be really hurt and angry if my husband didn’t take care of me while I was recovering from surgery and I’d be screaming if he left me alone all weekend in that condition. The fact that he basically guilted you into staying home instead of getting the care you needed and deserved from your mother just makes it worse. That’s him valuing his pride over your comfort as well and that’s some bullshit. He obviously knew you’d need help because your mom was going to do it. Then he tried to play the part when she popped in for a visit by cooking dinner just that day. That’s nonsense.
I think this requires a very serious conversation at the very least. But even if he apologized and promised to do better, you’d never know until you were in need again. Do you risk, say, getting married and pregnant and then see that he still isn’t helpful?
Is he generally unhelpful/not compassionate? This seems like a really odd time for him to suddenly be an ass if he’s generally awesome.
Post # 3
I don’t know if this is a deal-breaker, but I’d be annoyed at the very least if I were you. From your story he does seem lacking in compassion. I’d worry that if I were have kids with him, I’d basically be on my own taking care of myself after the delivery as well as whenever the kids got sick.
Also, off-topic, but who takes off work just to sleep all day?! That strikes me as really immature, and I’d also be annoyed with that.
Post # 4
All of that and he hurled insults at your family? What a peach.
Be very, very wary of *anyone* who shows a lack of a capacity for empathy. It’s a bad sign and symptomatic of several possible types that you do not want in your life.
It is clear that this is not a guy you can count on.
I’d run far and run fast.
Post # 5
Hmm no I don’t think it is normal. When I was seriously sick my fiancé cancelled plans to look after me, including Christmas celebrations. And came home from work at lunch to check on me. I would do the same for him no questions asked. I don’t think you should call off the engagement but definitely have a talk with him about it and expectations for being there each other. Maybe he is innocently clueless. Maybe his parents left him at home to his own devices when he was sick as a kid so he doesn’t know any better?
Post # 6
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
What would have happened if you’d been home alone, he was out drinking with friends, and something happened which meant you had to go back to the hospital in a hurry? This behaviour is inexcusable in my book. Put it this way: my Darling Husband had fairly major (scheduled) surgery before Christmas. I went to several preliminary appointments with him, took the day of the surgery off so I could be with him until they took him down to the OR and be there when he got out. I was basically off work until after Christmas – I did a couple of half days – so that I could a) be there for him in hospital and b) not leave him at home alone once he was discharged. I don’t think this is anything unusual for a spouse to do and it never entered my head to go out with friends. I’d be running I think.
Post # 7
He is immature, you deserve better
Post # 8
He sounds like he is immature. The bars and such might be important to him, but you had surgery! Taking care of someone you love comes first, and that means not only physically, but emotionally.
Post # 9
fireworks090 : This screams red flag to me. I literally threw my back out this morning, and my SO is trying to take care of me… he has the flu and has had a 101 degree fever for over 24 hours, and he’s trying to take care of me! (I did mess up my back trying to take care of him – we’re a pair).
When you love someone, you take care of them – you don’t go to bars or only help them when someone else is around.
What happens when you get really sick? Or have children?
Marriage is supposed to be in sickness and in health, and he’s not even holding up his end of the bargain now… it’s not going to magically change when you get married.
I’m not saying not to marry him, but I do recommend really weighing if this is something you can live with.
Post # 10
He’s an arsehole. A selfish and inconsiderate one at that.
My husband is fabulous, a real carer when I’m ill and even when I’m not!
I wouldn’t give him the time of day
Post # 11
I would not marry him. Please get counseling for YOURSELF to sort out your feelings and examine your relationship. You really deserve better, and should see his behaviors, many of them, as dysfunctional and wrong. Really wrong.
Post # 12
when your mom visited, you should have just gone home with her. your FI’s behaviour is inexcusable. he said he was going to be there for you and he should have been.
Post # 13
fireworks090 : wow. Sorry you went through this. Is there any chance he’s cheating? Going out to bars without you so often and late and especially sleeping somewhere else the whole night when you’re recovering from surgery sounds like huge red flags. Even if he isn’t cheating, I’d be worried about him helping me w any illnesses or pregnancy and I’d rethink whether we were a good fit.
Post # 14
Honestly Fiance took better care of me the last time I had a hangover. You need to have a serious talk.
Post # 15
How would you feel if a man did this to your mom?
I wouldn’t be able to trust him ever again – he might make promises to change then do it again in 10 years.
ETA: I also agree with the pp who said that this is a sign of lack of empathy. Keeping up the facade of being a caring boyfriend (which he clearly isn’t) was more important to him than your wellbeing. This definitely could be a sign of serious issues.