I felt like he wasnt there for me after surgery .. questioning engagement

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

My college roommate took better care of me when I had my wisdom teeth taken out.  If this is what he does now, how will you feel when you get married and you require care?


Post # 17
8516 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

fireworks090 :  In sickness and in health – DUMP HIS ASS.

Post # 18
1220 posts
Bumble bee

To me, the worst part is the charade he put on when your mum came over, making dinner to demonstrate what a great carer he is. To be honest, I’d find that a little scary because it proves he definitely knew that right way to behave. If he was consistently uncaring even in front of your mother, then maybe you could say he is just oblivious.  Even taking a day off work, but spending the day at home sleeping: I imagine he probably made himself look like Florence Nightingale to his coworkers, taking off work to nurse you back to health, but in reality he just slept in.

I dunno Bee – aren’t you freaked out at how duplicitous he is? What else will he hide behind closed doors while presenting this good guy facade to the world??

Post # 19
9429 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hope you weren’t planning on having any kids with this man if he can’t even handle a routine surgery…

Post # 20
1621 posts
Bumble bee

 fireworks090 :  I know it’s easy for people to say “leave now” “dump him” etc., while alot of your thoughts might be turning to ‘maybe he didn’t understand how sick I was’ or ‘some people just can’t handle illness’ or ‘I have SO much invested in this relationship’, or whatever else we do to excuse poor/alarming behavior.

Please listen to your gut and that nagging little voice. It is your instinct recognizing that something is terribly wrong.

If you are up to reading, one good book is “The Gift of Fear”, by Gavin DeBecker. It is about our natural instincts that we are trained to ignore, especially as women.


Post # 21
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Sooo…. would you want to have a son that treated people this way? If you have children, they very well could have these genes. AND this guy, your “FI”, wouldn’t be around to help you raise them, let alone recover from delivery.

I’d walk away. Sorry bee. Be grateful his true colors came out BEFORE the wedding.

A husband is someone who stands with you, through everything. I injured my back on Saturday, my husband has been right by my side. When I try to go get somthing… he jumps up and saids, “Will you stop that! You have to rest, tell me what you need.” NOT “peace out, I’m headed to the bar and crashing at “a friends” house”.

This guy you call a Fiance, is immature and no where ready to be a husband. Walk away, bee, walk away.

Post # 22
260 posts
Helper bee

livster :  this.

Also, I have the feeling that bringing this up with him will only result in him gaslighting you to oblivion and convincing you that it is not as bad as it seems

Post # 23
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

fireworks090 :  This is not the way a Fiance should be acting. I have 2 examples.

A couple of years ago while my Fiance and I were fixing up our old house (at the time, just my BF) we had made a large bonfire of scrap wood, which some of it had nails. I went to check the fire and had a nail go through my foot. I managed to hobble to the house, where he found me, carried me to the car, and sped me to the emergency room. He was with me the whole time, making sure I wasnt scared or in too much pain. Held my hand through everything, and after I was discharged, he took me to the pharmacy for my meds, and then took me home. He then took care of me for the days to come as I couldnt walk without assistance.

This past year I had to have my wisdom teeth pulled. I was having them pulled without being knocked out, so I was able to drive myself home. He insisted to bring me, held my hand through the procedure, and took the rest of the day off to take care of me. The next week or so while I was recovering, even though he worked, he got up in the morning, made sure I had food and water, went to work, and did the same when he came home.

All of this is to say, that is not how your Fiance should be treating you. My Fiance does not go out partying with his friends all weekend when I am healthy, and he would never think to do it while I was recovering from surgery. He is sounding immature and rude. You guys need to have a serious talk. How long have you two been together?

Post # 24
6603 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yeah… I’m pretty horrified by this one.  I had kidney stones once and my husband was more worried for me than I was!  And he was only a boyfriend at the time, so no life committment necessary.  I agree with livster :  that it’s really telling that he played the helpful caregiver when your mom showed up but couldn’t be bothered to give you breakfast when there were no witnesses.   Imagine him leaving your kid in their filthy diaper all day long, or rushing out the door instead of feeding them. 

I’d be reconsidering the hell out of this relationship.

Post # 25
1273 posts
Bumble bee

He is not ignorant. He knows that his behaviour was crap, because he went and played the host to your mom, but wasn’t compassionate or considerate when it came to taking care of you. What a self-absorbed ass. Last time I was sick, my SO made me meals and asked me if there was anything he could do to make me feel better. And I only had a cold! If it were surgery, he probably would have checked in on me every hour. Dump that boy and find a man.

Post # 26
12108 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

You didn’t even have to tell this story. Why are you thinking of marrying someone with a history of trust issues in the first place? But to answer your question, yes, all this is a gigantic warning sign. If it were me I’d be beyond done. If he’s treating you this way now, before you are even married, I can’t even imagine what life with this person would be. 

My favorite relationship advice is to judge character based on how a person conducts him or herself in stressful times or times of conflict. Anyone at all can seem like a decent guy when things are going well. 

Post # 27
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I understand completely why you’d be questioning your engagement!  He wants to show he cares when people are looking, ie. making dinner for you and your mum because he knew she was around, but he doesn’t show care for you otherwise?  No… hell no.

As someone said, marriage is in sickness and in health.  He’s demonstrated what he’s capable of, is this the kind of “support” you can live with for the rest of your life? 

Hope you’re feeling better soon!  Go stay with your mom if you can, you deserve to be cared for!

Post # 28
6441 posts
Bee Keeper

fireworks090 :  No this is not normal.  I remember when my husband broke his hand and I had to bathe him and help him with everything because he couldn’t sweat (he had pins that were keeping his hand open) and never was I not available.  There have been times I’ve been super sick or reallly pregnant and my husband has helped me out tremendously, and that’s not even surgery!

So yes your Fiance is being a douchebag.  And this is a serious red flag.

Post # 29
1244 posts
Bumble bee

fireworks090 :  After your surgery, when he slept in right up to when he had to leave for work… Did he ask how you were feeling that morning? Or if you needed anything? Same with when he returned from work those days to go out immediately with friends – did he ask you if you needed anything? You you felt? If he didn’t – then he’s utterly clueless or a self-centred dick.

If he did ask you those questions, how did you respond? Did you say “I’m fine, don’t worry about me” ?

I ask these questions because some men (and women) unfortunately, are self centred jerks. But some are totally clueless. There is a difference but they can appear the same.

Others will take you at your word if you say you’re fine then they just assume you are telling the truth. My husband is this way. If I’m not fine I have to say so and be specific about the help I need him to provide. Or he doesn’t realize he needs to do something. As in – please can you feed the kids? I’m in the bathroom vomiting and can’t feed them. Normal people intuitively get this but some don’t and thus need to be told. I used to think he was a dick, but now I realize it’s more that – we have routines and he just doesn’t get it unless it is spelled out.

But – your guy was going out to the bar and staying out late. Hrm. Or going to a show and staying out late. When he knew you were unwell. Maybe he thought it was okay to go out since you were comfy laying on the couch? Does he usually go out til all hours and leave you at home? Are you normally okay with that? If this is normal and you are okay with it then he likely figures it is the usual routine and possibly doesn’t realize he should be at home with you.

I read a couples relationship article once that said your partner will treat you as you allow them to treat you. If you allow them to do x,y,z then they will. If you state reasonable, clear expectations then he (or she) will surely comply. I hope this makes sense.

The thing that leaves me cold is that he gave you grief about staying with your mom and then that he made like he was the caring nurse when she was over and even made dinner for all that night. Did he make dinner/lunch, etc the other days? Or did you fend for yourself? Did he offer to? If so what was your response? Honestly, I think he should have been taking care of you – is what it comes down to. There may be different reasons and routines, and whatever, but regardless of anything said or unsaid he should have been there taking care of you. So sorry.

Post # 30
3836 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

fireworks090 :  I’m super independant but this would really bother me.  Last year I had a similar situation and my fiance at the time (now husband) called out of work to take me to the hospital and then stay home with me and he doesn’t even get PTO.  If he was out at the bars while I was recovering, I would be rethinking our relationship too.  Did you tell him at any point that you would like him to be there to help you out?  I don’t think you should have to, just wondering.

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