I felt like he wasnt there for me after surgery .. questioning engagement

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Yeah it’s possibly a red flag to me.. I have felt like this before because my Darling Husband did the same thing to me when we were dating. the difference being he went through a traumatic experience with a family member in his immediate family having a disease, seeing them suffer for years and unfortunately passed away.. (Now this is not an excuse obviously) He hated seeing them suffer and would just avoid seeing it because of the heart break. This was passed into our relationship and I had multiple minor sugeries and he was not there for me after one day. Was “busy” working “late” so not able to come see me. I was very upset by this but then I realized it stemmed from his past and he unintentionally was avoiding me, didn’t want to see me in pain. We addressed this because like you, I was so heart broken. He just didn’t know he was doing this! It has gotten much better since we talked about it!!

Maybe talk to your Fiance about it and see if there is some underlying issue that is causing him to act this way. If not and it’s just the way he is than it is definitely a red flag, I know how terrible it can make you feel!!

Post # 32
Member
1291 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

Wowwww this guy sounds sooo insensitive! I would be sooo hurt if my Fiance treated me and my family like that. He would never do so and I know if I had any sort of surgery/emergency of any kind he would call into work and take care of me all day, whether I needed it it or not. If he couldn’t get out of work for some reason I know he would call/text multiple times a day to check up on me. 

This would be a deal-breaker for me, combined with this guys past actions and his poor treatment of your family as well! 

Post # 33
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

At first glance, your Fiance def looks like an unfeeling asshole in this situation. But just to give him the benefit of the doubt, did you tell him what you needed him to do? Maybe he’s never cared for a sick person before and just was clueless? Like did you say to him, “I need you to make me breakfast in the morning” or just quietly hope he’d set his alarm earlier to do it? And then after he let you down did you tell him, “hey I really needed you this morning and you weren’t there…can you please make sure to wake up earlier tomorrow and help me?” or just remain silent and hope he’d intuit that he effed up?

I’m just trying to figure out if he is actually a heartless asshole (which is very possible) or if maybe he’s just more clueless and awkward in these situations. If it’s the latter, this is something you could work through. If the former….I would run.

Post # 34
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

def leave this guy now before you are married! YIKES

Post # 35
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee

fireworks090 :  You are not over reacting.

That was out of line & disrespectful.

Its a complete deal breaker for me bee. Personally if you can’t be there for me while I’m recovering from surgery then that just shows a lack of empathy on his part and nobody wants to marry a man who’d rather go out to the bar and get plastered then check to make sure you’re OK. He’s good at pretending but even so that’s more infuriating to me then his actually just down right not caring about you.

Deal breaker for me. You deserve better.

Post # 36
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

fireworks090 :  tiffanybruiser :  I agree.. I don’t know his age and he definitely sounds immature.. but I found the same thing at the begining of my relationship with Fiance that he needed a lot of instruction.. When I was sick and couldn’t eat solids, I had to tell him to get me soup. Then he came home and handed me canned tomato soup… I was so mad but couldn’t stop laughing.. (he’s 30 and a lot better now.. I get at least canned chicken noodle soup lol).

He’s not very good at taking care of sick people because he’s never had to! He’s the youngest in the family and got babied by everyone else growing up. But the thing is.. he would never leave me sick at home and go out to the bars all weekend.. That’s a very selfish behavior and definitely something I would have a serious conversation with him about.. 

Post # 37
Member
3377 posts
Sugar bee

How old is he? Calling off work because he was at a bar st 4 am does not sound like a good decision. As to everything else, he seems immature and lacking in empathy.

Post # 38
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee

Ok, I COULD write off the not taking care of you thing as just innocent selfishness/lack of cultivated empathy. 

EXCEPT for the fact that he put in the extra work when your mom was over to try to keep her good opinion. 

This is CLASSIC, TRADEMARK narcissist/abusive behavior.

They neglect you in private, then present themselves as the perfect partner when others are around. This provides them with some protection once their neglect turns into actual abuse if you decide to confide in a mutual friend down the road. 

We all have different standards/boundaries, but I would never marry someone who went to bars while I was home sick to that degree. Heck, when my DOG DIED, my SO spent the entire weekend with me, made me his focus, tried to distract me as much as he possibly could, and voluntarily took over most of the chores for the following few weeks. If he had taken off and gone to a bar to drink with friends while I was sitting at home, crying and miserable… that’s not what I want my life to look like, so there’s no way in hell I’d marry that person. 

I’m sorry bee, I hope your recovery is going well!

Post # 39
Member
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

happykitty7 :  Good point about the going to the bar til 4 am situation…hard to justify that. I would not tolerate that behavior regardless of my health, but I guess everyone has their limits…

Post # 40
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

fireworks090 :  Can I ask how old he is? It sounds like if he’s still young, he’s not ready for marriage and still needs to get bars/partying out of his system. I dated someone like this who would much rather go out with his friends, play cards, drink, etc. He left me hanging when I needed him the most, it was a hospital related incident also. I had to leave him, as I knew he really wasn’t ready for a commitment. I won’t go into how selfish he is, I read and agree with most comments that touch on how insensitive he is. To me it sounds like his priorities are not aligned with yours, and to get married now will probably only exacerbate your issues. 

Post # 41
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

Honestly, this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. His behavior is utterly deplorable.

Not only did he essentially do literally nothing to take care of you, not even offering you anything before he went to work, he then went out with his friends!? While you were home recovering from surgery? Not okay. And then he later turned it around to make it about him by saying he doesn’t like being around you when you’re in pain. Unbelievable.

Also, as others have noted, lack of empathy is very prevalent in personality disorders (for example narcissism) that you do not want to spend the rest of your life around. 

He’s just shown you that you can’t rely on him to care about your when you’re unwell. You deserve so much better. 

Post # 42
Member
749 posts
Busy bee

What a dick

Post # 43
Member
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Hi! I just wanted to say that this is a giant red flag, and please do not ignore it! Your FI’s behavior is very sketchy and his reasons to stay out late are irrelevent. I would break off this engagement, take time to heal and spend time with your mother. You will 100% find a better match, a partner who will not think twice about caring for you when in need! Take this as a blessing, as now you know that this relationship is not the one for you, his actions made it very clear.

Post # 44
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Not to be a downer, bee, but everyone has a pretty decent chance of being in an accident, acquiring an acute or chronic illness, or becoming disabled as the years go by. I didn’t think it would happen to me until I was diagnosed with cancer at age 34. But I was healthy! Never spent a night at the hospital before, but there it was. My husband at the time did put in a good effort in to take care of me through surgery, chemotherapy, radiation, and all the emotional upheavel to our lives. He did try, but ultimately ended up retreating into himself and spending a lot time playing video games when I desperately needed him. I thought it was my fault for being too needy. It put a toll on our marriage and five years later, we divorced. Take a very careful look at how your Fiance has handled this emergency situation. All of us needs a solid partner because nearly all of us will face some illness or accident at least once in our lives, if not more.

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