I felt like he wasnt there for me after surgery .. questioning engagement

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
12121 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I agree with all the PPs who have made the point that he seems to be all about appearances. Not only did he put on an act in front of your mother, he was concerned only about his own image when he refused to let you recuperate at home.  That is deceptive and goes along perfectly with his history of being untrustworthy.

Add to that totally abandoning you in his free time to go to bars. This shouldn’t even be a close call OP.  

Post # 47
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Huge red flag. And he’s way into adulthood and still acting like he’s 22. You need to have a serious, this could end our relationship, talk with him. 

And if the previous trust issues involved infidelity, then definitely break up. 

Post # 48
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Wow, so his friend was upset with the way YOU talk to him but thought it was fine for your Fiance to leave you alone all night while recovering from surgery? And he told you this? That makes me wonder what he has told his friends about you and/or about the situation that night.

Post # 49
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

I want you to know that there Are a lot of men who wouldn’t do that and would treat you like a queen. My fiancé gives me “princess days” EVERY month when I’m on my period with minor cramps! He’s just so sweet and I always wonder how I got so lucky…. but then I also see that there are many other sweet men in the world! Like the DHs and FIs of many women on bee :). There are plenty!

If this is the first time he’s ever done something like this I’m not sure that it’s a complete deal breaker. But if it is a trend and you already have trust issues? You can do better!!

Post # 50
Member
1632 posts
Bumble bee

fireworks090 :  oh I can’t even. His actions and comments/turning it back on you is classic gaslighting behavior. Please get away from this person.

Post # 51
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

I left my longest relationship over this exact reason.  I mean, it wasn’t the only reason, but it was the last straw for me and really showed me something I had been in denial about for a long time.  I got very sick toward the end of a two year relationship and while I was home sick I called my boyfriend begging him to bring me some of my favorite soup on his way home from work.  He showed up after work, no soup, and when I questioned him about it he said he had a long day and just wanted to come home and play xbox but he would go out for it later.  That was enough of a wake up call for me.  I started shopping for apartments immediately the next day.  Oh! And when he finally did go out later, the place I wanted soup from was closed so he went to the grocery store and picked out probably the LAST flavor I ever would have wanted.  I’m obviously still a little bitter..lol

Post # 52
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

fireworks090 :  Not normal male stuff. Immature male stuff. Let me ask you, what happened when you asked him to do something? Did he do it? 

Even if he did, At some point he should have figured he needed to step in and offer something. If he didn’t know what was needed he should have asked. I have had family members with serious illness for years..You need a tight bond and deep love to get though that. I spent years not planning certain things due to familial terminal illness and this was a family member not spouse. 

I don’t know what health problem you had, but chronic illness sufferers need a little extra. I have chronic illness and my husband knows when I need to sleep extra to the point it would be considered lazy but I need it. He helped me with extras..You deserve that too. 

I think a frank discussion about it at the very least is warranted. You are not overreacting. I can’t believe he went to the movies when you needed him. Like what the actual hell.

I’m sorry bee. Keep us posted.

Post # 53
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

That is pretty shitty of him. And no, it is not something that you could expect from every male out there.

I have had three surgeries since being with my husband, two significant ones with lengthy recoveries and physical limitations (during recovery) and permanent physical changes. He was a supportive rockstar througout all of them, from helping me wash my hair as I could not lift my arms, to caring for my drains, to giving the bathroom a daily disinfecting scrub to reduce risk of infection. 

I could not imagine being with someone who was not a true “life partner” in every sense of the word including through illness and injury.

Post # 54
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

fireworks090 :  This story is shocking. Your fiancé is a poor excuse for a partner. If I were in your position, I’d be doing a lot more than questioning the engagement, I would be calling it off — like yesterday! Give the ring back and run. You’re far better off without him.

Post # 55
Member
1204 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

fireworks090 :  yeah no. My hubby and i have had incidents that required hospitalizations/procedures. And yes, it sucked to see the other in pain and vulnerable but hell no did i ever let it out on him and vice versa. Accepting help was a godsend! Especially to run and get food or his meds.

yeah; seeing wounds and whatnot is scary and debilitating but it should not be shown to the one who is actually under that condition i feel. Its a partnership; you hold them up while they are down and vice versa. BIG deal breaker is the part that he got mad at your mom PLUS was out drinking/partying. That is not okay.

Post # 56
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh and P.S. this is NOT “normal male stuff”. Unless the male in question is a turd, which your fiancé is. None of the guys I know would have behaved the way your fiancé did. I was hospitalized recently and my girlfriends’ male partners were offering to come take care of me (when we’re not even really friends, I only hang out with the girls!). My own husband would have taken far better care of you than your fiancé did, just if you were my friend! Really, your fiancé is a shithead.

Post # 57
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee

Dump him.

Don’t try to fix it, don’t go to couples counseling, don’t have a long talk with him — give him back the ring, end the engagement, and end the relationship. 

He’s feels indifference when it comes to you, and indifference like that is dangerous.

Post # 58
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

My ex was like this. Exactly like this. Sick or in need? Never there for me and always managed to turn it around onto me somehow. I could not be any more relieved to be out of that relationship. What an awful life that would have been forever. 

My Darling Husband has taken time off work on numerous occasions to look after me. He brought me food, set up movies, helped me shower, took me to appointments, he even helped me to the toilet and dressed me. 

Please don’t marry this man. I don’t know if you want kids but if you do this will only get worse. Imagine giving birth and needing assistance afterward, and not being able to rely on him. 

Post # 59
Member
12121 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Allowing a friend to talk negatively about you behind your back and then having the nerve to use those comments against you is also dealbreaker behavior. Not to mention that his friend sounds as bad as he is if he can’t understand why you’d be frustrated.

The sarcastic comment to your mother about how he assumes you complained about him was disrespectful and also crossed a line. 

IMO you are seeing this way too narrowly. This isn’t just about how he will treat you when you are sick or after you have children. It’s indicative of a general lack of respect, care, and concern. If you marry him you’ll see this manifested in many ways. 

You are not overreacting, you are underreacting.

Post # 59
Member
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“And when he finally did go out later, the place I wanted soup from was closed so he went to the grocery store and picked out probably the LAST flavor I ever would have wanted.”

And he was probably resentful about going at all. My ex was like that. Sometimes after chemo, I craved a tukey sandwich (I think for the protein) and he would act like it was a big deal to go get me one. I felt like such a burden.

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