I felt like he wasnt there for me after surgery .. questioning engagement

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Yea I take back my initial comment pondering about whether he’s just clueless or actually an asshole. You have confirmed with your update that he is simply an asshole. “My friend didn’t like the way you were talking to me” ??? I would be LIVID. Love how your fiance has now made himself the victim here even though you were the one recouperating from a procedure while he was out drinking til 4 am. Skillful!

I would reply, “good, in that case I suggest you move in with your friend because I don’t like the way you treat me and I am done here.”

Post # 62
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

The only thing I’m partially on his side about is driving you to your moms. 45m each way is a long distance, why couldn’t your mom come pick you up instead of him dropping you?

Other than that, its not good. I think your comments were a bit passive agressive about breakfast, but if he LITERALLY SAID “yeah, i should have done it” and then still doesnt the next day? UGH so frustrating.

You guys are supposed to be a TEAM. It seems he has no idea what that means. And at 32, he really does not have the immature excuse. I would think if you want the rest of your life to possibly look like this past week.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope your recovery is going well (despite this ass!).

Post # 63
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

fireworks090 :  This doesn’t sound good and I am curious to know if this was the very first sign you got of him being a selfish a-hole for lack of a better term? Is he a caring person in general?

Post # 65
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

In the early stages of our relationship (the first month or so), Fiance came down with his traditional “Christmas cold”. Even though I was going out of town to visit my family, I came over with a “get-better-soon” package of chicken soup, ginger ale, all that good stuff, and I told him to call me if he got worse and I would be over to help him. And this was just for the standard flu! 

It does not sound like your partner cares about your well-being. You are not overreacting. If you were at home for several days he should have made sure you were at least comfortable, and he would allow your mum to take care of you if he was off at work. Frankly, partying until the wee hours of the morning is inexcusable when someone is recovering from surgery. 

Post # 66
6447 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Reading the OP, the first clue this guy was a loser was that he’d call into work to sleep off a hangover. No responsible adult does that and then goes out to the bar later in the week in addition to that. Add that to the fact that he ignored you and didn’t lift a finger to help you after surgery, and yes, it is conformed. He’s a loser. Move on.

Post # 67
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

First off, I hope you are recovering well from your surgery.

I normally don’t comment on posts like these that already have so many opinions. But I didn’t feel right about passing one this by because it was almost exactly what happened with my ex. (I will spare you my surgery experience details) My ex is a narcissist and when I read that your Fiance was only making a show to care for you when people were looking and otherwise being completely devoid of empathy for you, scares me so much because it sounds so familiar.

With your latest post of him telling you that his friend didnt like the way YOU were treating him. That is another textbook NPD move, he is projecting because of what people would say about him if they knew the truth and then gaslighting you.


I wouldn’t feel right about giving you any other advice than this: Please start getting out of this relationship. It will not be easier later and it will not get better later.

Post # 68
205 posts
Helper bee

I remember when I had all 4 wisdom teeth out (I was put under) my Fiance (BF at the time) and I had not been together for very long, and I was still living with my mum, so I stayed at her house for recovery, and I had a really rough time with it, the pain meds they gave me actually made me vomit (try vomiting when your mouth doesn’t open properly, yuck) and my face was hugely swollen with massive black and purple bruises.

My SO saw me the day after I had them out, freaked out a little and I barely saw him for that week, (I was 21 he was 23, So I get it, he hasn’t ever had to take care of a sick person) but he kept in daily contact with me and his excuse was ‘he didn’t like seeing me sick’ and I won’t lie it hurt.

But that was a few years ago now and he is MUCH better at looking after me now! The other week I came home from work early with a cold, and went to sleep straight away, he was that worried he called my mum haha, but when I woke up he had cooked a really lovely dinner for me, and had gone out and gotten me some medicine.

I don’t like that your Fiance went out and partied while you were recovering, and like you say he is 32, he should know better. But he might learn from this…

I would express how much this hurt you, and see his reaction… Then decide what to do from there.

Also, how dare his friend not like the way you spoke to him? He left his Fiance at home sick while he was out getting drunk with ‘mates’… No. He is not the victim in this situation.

Post # 69
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.

What kind of asshole goes out and kicks it while his SO is recovering from a sudden health crisis?

And if he was SOOOOOO tired from being up with you, how did he have the energy to be out until 4am later that week?

Absolutely not. He’s a terrible partner.

Post # 70
11643 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Maybe he should marry his bar buddy. 

You, of course, should be long gone as soon as you’re better. 

Post # 71
85 posts
Worker bee

fireworks090 :  This is complete crap. What is he going to do when you have a baby and you’re on bedrest or stuck at home? Will he go out then? You deserve a loving, doting, care giving partner through sickness AND health. Thumbs down. Feel better bee. 

Post # 72
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017


Seriously? My Fiance takes better care of our cat when she doesn’t get her favorite flavor of cat food. *eye roll*

But, in all seriousness, at best he is a narcissistic jerk and at worst a gaslighting, disrespectful, borderline emotionally abusive f*ckwad. I’d be out – without explanation. Just leave or kick him out.

Post # 73
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

i can’t believe he is acting so immature, staying out so late and going out drinking so much at that age. i thought for sure you’d say he’s 25. but early 30s?? wow.

if you ever have kids you’ll end up living like a miserable single parent with a selfish, unreliable roommate.  

don’t expect him to change. THIS is the man you’ll be with for your entire life if you marry him. think long and hard about that. is this what you want the next few decades of your life to be like?? 

Post # 74
6 posts
  • Wedding: May 2018

I haven’t read all the comments, but that is so heartless of him! I have a really bad health scare last year (to the point where I could have died) and my Fiance (then bf at the time) flew half way across the world to be with me. That is so horrible of your Fiance 🙁

Post # 75
364 posts
Helper bee

I’m still shocked that nobody is discussing what is classic cheating behavior. You said you had trust issues before, OP? What were they? Then you say that, after surgery, when you need his help, he goes out to a bar “w friends.” RED FLAG. The bars close at 2:30am, but he doesn’t call you until 4am? RED FLAG. And at 4am, this 32 yr old who lives w you says he’s sleeping somewhere else for the night? RED FLAG. Then, later, he admits that the person who overheard your 4am convo w him didn’t like the way you talked to him? RED FLAG.

i mean what in the hot H is going on. He treats you worse than a house guest. How could it get any worse? Even if he isn’t cheating, it seems even worse that he doesn’t even give 2 shts enough to PRETEND like he cares about you except one night when your mom’s there.

Leave a comment

Find Amazing Vendors