I felt like he wasnt there for me after surgery .. questioning engagement

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
2659 posts
Sugar bee

I was taken to hospital over the summer via ambulance.  He stayed with me all night while they were diagnosing me and getting settled in a room. He had to be threatened with security because he wanted to spend the night in a chair next to my bed.

OP–my first husband did just about the same thing to me years ago. It was one of the reasons our marriage broke up.

Ypu can do better.

Post # 77
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Everyone wants to be around during the good times.  But a smaller group of people want be around during your toughest time.  Those are the people who cares about you deeply.

Based on his actions he doesn’t care about you.  No one wants to see their love ones struggle hence they’ll do whatever they can to make them feel better sooner.  Your Fiance made no effort doing so.  Like other bees pointed out – he just wanted to put on a face in front of others as if he’s the perfect spouse… but behind close doors he doesn’t give a shit.

Post # 78
Member
11963 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

fireworks090 :  “This week I required surgery unexpectedly. I became ill when he was out at the bar with friends, so I sent him a text saying I think he may need to take me to the ED. He said let him know if so and he’ll come home. He came home a few hours later and suggested I just try to relax and go to bed. I woke him around 4am and told him he needs to take me, which he did.”

On top of everything else, I cannot even begin to imagine making a phone call like that and not having H excuse himself from wherever he was  to come home immediately. 

What are your current thoughts, OP? 

 

 

Post # 79
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

When I pulled a muscle badly in my back while we were out of town for my friend’s wedding in which I was a bridesmaid, my fiance took me to urgent care, volunteered to go get champagne for the bridal party nearby while I saw a doctor, came back, took me to join the other girls, walked over a mile in the rain to pick up meds for me from the pharmacy, and was generally charming and solicitous to everyone. The fact that your Fiance was ON HIS PHONE during your doctor’s appointment is so rude and shows how little he cares. I think you already know what to do, it’s not easy of course but you deserve so much better! 

Post # 80
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

You deserve better for sure. When I had a biopsy years ago and was in the same-day surgery, hub picked me up in the car, with our dog in the backseat to cheer me up. 

I had to wear sports bras and didn’t have any, so he went out and bought me 2 sports bras after taking me home and tucking me in bed. How many guys are going to go out and buy bras?

He also got me a small CD player so I could sit in bed and listen to music. He put on Enya for me. 

This is the way a guy should treat you!

 

Post # 81
Member
6395 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

This is not normal, not at all.  He is showing who he is, you must believe him.  

You deserve much better.

Post # 82
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yeah, no. You two are a team, when you are suffering, he needs to be there every step of the way. He chose not to be (I can’t believe he actually went out partying while you were at home, alone and in pain!) and that is alarming.

Look at it this way. You never know what could happen in the future… you or a potential future child could (G-d forbid) become seriously ill and require a lot of care. Is he going to bail then too? I mean, do any of us LIKE seeing our loved ones in pain or discomfort? Of course not, but we suck it up because they need us! Please rethink this marriage or at least consider counseling.

Post # 83
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

So–something very similar happened to me a few  years back.  I had to have a hysterectomy for some health problems.  My EX (notice I said ex) left me alone to care for my 5 year old by myself less than 6 hours after being released from the hospital.  That is just one example of really crappy, selfish behavior I endured over 16 years.  

When people tell you who they are, you should believe them.  

Post # 85
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee

fireworks090 :  But HE IS ABUSIVE. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. This is often WORSE than physical abuse. If he hit you, you’d (hopefully) be gone immediately, no second thoughts. But the subtle undercurrent of emotional abuse is hard to recognise and quantify. Plus it is so far out of your reality that someone could actually be/think this way, that it makes you question yourself.

I speak from first hand experience, and wasted too many years of my precious life confused and wondering. Please don’t let that happen to you.  I’ll link some books that totally opened my eyes. They are older books, but very powerful:

https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636

https://www.amazon.com/Verbal-Abuse-Survivors-Relationship-Recovery/dp/1558503048/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

 

Post # 86
Member
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

fireworks090 : I hope you feel better 🤕

😕 He doesn’t sound very used to having take care of anyone, is he a youngest child? Anyway I don’t think it’s reason to break up right away but definitely reason to have a good talk and really agree on the specifics of caring for each other, maybe he just needs to be taught. Try paint some scenarios of the roles being reversed. If he truly doesn’t get it and won’t put you ahead of his own issues of seeing someone he loves in pain then I would rethink spending my life with someone like that. 

On smaller scale I can imagine how horrible this must be for you as I just had 3 wisdom teeth extracted today and my husband took the morning off work to take me there and home even though it was just under local anasthetic, and helped me get the prescriptions after, propped me up on the sofa with pillows and Netflix and my cat, and he came home early to care for me with cold drinks, soup, ice cream (even though I can’t eat yet) whatever I need. He showed the same concerned care in the two days leading up to the surgery while I’ve been in pain. I probably could’ve managed fine alone but I wouldn’t want to! So I really feel for you, it sounds like you actually really Needed help too, your Fiance should’ve been there for you! 

ETA: just read your further replies and it does seem like this goes a lot deeper than this one occasion, maybe you should spend some time apart to figure things out for yourself? Could you go to your mom for a while? 

Post # 87
Member
6535 posts
Bee Keeper

fireworks090 :  He sounds like my EX-husband. Not marriage material. Puts on a show sometimes when there is an audience but not at all someone to count on. There are better men out there. I was hospitalized this Fall and my Fiance canceled his business trip to stay with me and take care of my kids. I didn’t have to ask. 

 

Post # 88
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - Aspen, Colorado

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone mention this yet, so I felt compelled to chime in. My mom was diagnosed with MS way after her and my dad got married. She eventually needed 24/7 care and couldn’t be left home alone for long periods of time. If that were to ever happen to you, do you think your Fiance would stick by you and take care of you? If not, I’d take a step back and really think about your relationship. I would never marry someone that I think would abadon me or neglect me in time of need, and as marriage is from death do you part, there’s a lot of time for something to happen with your health. Marry someone you 100% trust to take care of you during times of need. 

Post # 89
Member
1215 posts
Bumble bee

I really feel for you, bee, I really do. But he is showing you who he is. He is showing you that you can’t rely on him for help when you need it. I’m sure I would be very compatible with a whole host of guys if everythign was good all the time and we had common interests/hobbies, etc. But when things are tough? that’s when people show their true colors.

 

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