(Closed) I find this "dealbreaker" threads really sad and dissapointing.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I understand. When you find the ONE… nothing will be a deal breaker.

Post # 4
Member
9115 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

If my husband started smoking, he’s putting my health at risk. Not every reason something is a dealbreaker is frivilous. I wouldn’t sign up for something that he was opposed to just because I could and he needs to deal with it. Marriage is a lot more than dealing with issues you don’t like because you’re married.

 

I love my husband and I’d see him through hell or high water. But the moment he goes out of his way to risk my health (And I’m not talking about second hand smoke risks), that’s a dealbreaker to me. End of story.

Post # 5
Member
780 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@bretonvirgniia:  I agree. I believe the only cause for divorce is abuse or adultry.

Post # 6
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Hyperventilate:  +1

It’s a dealbreaker if someone won’t give up something small (and dangerous) like smoking cigarettes for me. 

Post # 7
Member
4031 posts
Honey bee

@bretonvirgniia:  I think it very much depends on people’s life experiences and what they are able to tolerate or deal with in their life. It’s not a good or bad thing.

I have “deal breakers” like abuse and cheating. I honestly probably wouldn’t start dating someone who was a smoker, but if Fiance picked it up tomorrow I wouldn’t leave him, but I would strongly encourage him to stop.

Alcoholism is a very tough disease to deal with. My uncle literally drank himself to death and my Aunt will never date/marry another person with alcholism. She stood by his side for 15 years. I do not blame her for that choice, it’s her’s to make.

I just don’t think we can judge people for having certain standards or expectations in their relationships. That’s not fair.

ETA: As far as the finance situation, I think that also depends on your circumstances. I did not read your thread, but I have seen relationships where the best decision was to leave. My cousin was married to someone who secretly gambled and racked up a lot of debt. It was to the point that they lost their home, had to live with parents and jeopardized their children’s future. She tried to stick it out for 2 years. Finally, she found the strength to leave. It was the best decision for her. He was irresponsible with money, a compulsive gambler and was destroying their relationship/family. She did not give up on him, he gave up on their relationship. It was a deal breaker for her and I think that’s fine.

Post # 8
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@bretonvirgniia: I agree! It makes me sad when people consider ending a marriage over “deal-breaker” things. Now a relationship (pre-marriage) is different, but a legally, emotionally, physically binding marriage shouldn’t be broken over something like smoking (in my opinion).  

Post # 9
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@bretonvirgniia:  FYI- though I agree with you, this thread might be shut down. Just watch out!

Post # 10
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Also, to add…i wouldn’t divorce my Husband if he started smoking although it would be a very very serious issue within our marriage.

However, I wouldn’t have started dating him if he had been a smoker.  

Post # 11
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

When I think of a dealbreaker, I am talking about something that I wouldn’t put up with from the get go – as in I would never have gone on date 1 or 2 if I found out x, y or z. (e.g., the smoking example – I don’t want to be with a smoker so I would never date someone that did smoke,  Obviously if my Fiance started smoking now I would not be happy and would encourage and support him to quit, but I wouldn’t divorce him over it.)  

I find nothing wrong with dealbreakers – in my opinion, it’s called having standards and knowing what you want from a partner.  I had a list of 30-50 “must haves” and “run for its” when I started dating again before I met my Fiance (my therapist recommended making a written list after I had been through 3 unhealthy and abusive relationships) – I absolutely held myself to that list so I didn’t waste time with someone who ultimately wasn’t going to meet my needs.  My Fiance had from day 1 (and still does have) every single one of the must haves and has yet to display any of the run for its.  

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards/expectations for your life partner and knowing what traits will/will not fulfill your wants and needs in a relationships  IN my opinion, doing an exercise as such takes the blinders of infatuation off and helps build a solid foundation for a lifelong relationship.  

Some people get swept up in the infatuation of a relationship and surprise, when reality sets in the things someone turned a blind eye at because he was so cute and nice and charming at the beginning are harder to ignore now…leading to trouble in a relationship/marriage. 

Post # 12
Member
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I dont agree with putting up with EVERYTHING just for the sake of staying together. However, my parents have been together since 1969 and married for almost 35 years. We do have a high divorce rate here in America. I dont care about other’s choices or relationships. I guess this is a spinoff from the smoking thread? 

Post # 13
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

“If you really love someone there are going to be things that you hate about them.”

I disagree with this. I don’t hate anything about my husband. Does he have quirks? Absolutely. But there is not one thing I hate about him.

Every person’s set of dealbreakers is different, and some have a longer list than others. Often, I find that people speaking of dealbreakers mean “would you have started dating someone given that they had this trait”. Well, I wouldn’t have started dating my husband/gotten serious with him if he smoked, or if I knew he was irresponsible with money, or if he was a serial cheater. Those were dealbreakers. Would they be dealbreakers now? Probalby not, because we have more than just an introductory relationship going and I promised to support him in sickness and in health. However, the extreme cases (infidelity, abuse) remain the same, just the threshold for dealbreaking is higher the more advanced we get in our relationship.

Post # 14
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Deal breakers= you have standards and know what you will and won’t put up with and settle for. Being a doormat is not a good quality, loving someone doesn’t mean you have to take whatever they dish out and having enough confidence to walk when something is not working isn’t a bad thing. 

Post # 15
Member
10603 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@MrsWrangler:  +1

Smoking is a deal breaker for me.  It doesn’t mean I would divorce my husband if he smoked a cigarette.  I can’t be around 2nd and 3rd hand smoke though.  Anything smelling like smoke would not be allowed in the apartment.  I would be willing to work on it with Darling Husband for a short period of time, but if he kept with it I would end up divorcing him.  Since he knows my health problems, I would be questioning why he would even start.

Post # 16
Member
3276 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I feel it’s more you love the person because they don’t have any “dealbreakers” and if you date them long enough and get to know them then you will know if they are the one and that they won’t turn into someone you don’t want to be with, those are things you figure out before marrying someone. You don’t marry them if there is something you can’t get past. I know people change but if you know them well enough they won’t drastically change to something you would consider a dealbreaker. I agree with another bee that abuse, adultery, and abandonment are the only reasons anyone should ever get divorced, so someone should know the other well enough before marriage so they don’t suddenly turn into something else. 

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