Post # 1
I often see on the bee, (and today the one on smoking), a lot of “dealbreaker” threads. Like would you be with your SO if they did this or that?….usually a poll follows and everyone is like “total dealbreaker!”
I find this really confusing.
If you really love someone there are going to be things that you hate about them. Forever, “until death do us part”, is a pretty long time so I can guarantee that the person you’re marrying or married to won’t always be the exact same person. The only thing we can guarantee in life, is change.
I am a young bride but I am certain that a huge part of marriage is dealing with the ebbs and flows of life.
Who knows if your husband may take up smoking cigarettes, or do something stupid with money or shave his head…who knows if one day you’ll end up doing something that may make you a bit of a shitty person.
This is kind of what you’re signing up for.
My mom stayed with my dad despite his bouts with alcoholism and anti-depressents. Did he always drink constantly or battle depression? No…He didn’t. But she loves him and helped him deal with his struggles and continues to. It was not a deal breaker. On the flip side when my mom had cancer my dad was by her side every day.
My sisters husband keeps relapsing from smoking. Does she support him and encourage him to stick to it? Yes. Because she loves him. It’s not a dealbreaker.
When my uncle cheated on my aunt for 11 years, they divorced, he became terminally ill and she took care of him. Because even though she wasn’t his wife, he was still her best friend. So even that wasn’t a deal breaker.
I just think it’s weird that people take these flaws and call them deal breakers. I recently posted that my fiancee is very bad and irresponsible with money and people told me to leave him. What? No. I love him and I feel like we can work through pretty much anything together.
Anyone agree with me?
Post # 3
I understand. When you find the ONE… nothing will be a deal breaker.
Post # 4
If my husband started smoking, he’s putting my health at risk. Not every reason something is a dealbreaker is frivilous. I wouldn’t sign up for something that he was opposed to just because I could and he needs to deal with it. Marriage is a lot more than dealing with issues you don’t like because you’re married.
I love my husband and I’d see him through hell or high water. But the moment he goes out of his way to risk my health (And I’m not talking about second hand smoke risks), that’s a dealbreaker to me. End of story.
Post # 5
@bretonvirgniia: I agree. I believe the only cause for divorce is abuse or adultry.
Post # 6
It’s a dealbreaker if someone won’t give up something small (and dangerous) like smoking cigarettes for me.
Post # 7
@bretonvirgniia: I think it very much depends on people’s life experiences and what they are able to tolerate or deal with in their life. It’s not a good or bad thing.
I have “deal breakers” like abuse and cheating. I honestly probably wouldn’t start dating someone who was a smoker, but if Fiance picked it up tomorrow I wouldn’t leave him, but I would strongly encourage him to stop.
Alcoholism is a very tough disease to deal with. My uncle literally drank himself to death and my Aunt will never date/marry another person with alcholism. She stood by his side for 15 years. I do not blame her for that choice, it’s her’s to make.
I just don’t think we can judge people for having certain standards or expectations in their relationships. That’s not fair.
ETA: As far as the finance situation, I think that also depends on your circumstances. I did not read your thread, but I have seen relationships where the best decision was to leave. My cousin was married to someone who secretly gambled and racked up a lot of debt. It was to the point that they lost their home, had to live with parents and jeopardized their children’s future. She tried to stick it out for 2 years. Finally, she found the strength to leave. It was the best decision for her. He was irresponsible with money, a compulsive gambler and was destroying their relationship/family. She did not give up on him, he gave up on their relationship. It was a deal breaker for her and I think that’s fine.
Post # 8
@bretonvirgniia: I agree! It makes me sad when people consider ending a marriage over “deal-breaker” things. Now a relationship (pre-marriage) is different, but a legally, emotionally, physically binding marriage shouldn’t be broken over something like smoking (in my opinion).
Post # 9
@bretonvirgniia: FYI- though I agree with you, this thread might be shut down. Just watch out!
Post # 10
Also, to add…i wouldn’t divorce my Husband if he started smoking although it would be a very very serious issue within our marriage.
However, I wouldn’t have started dating him if he had been a smoker.
Post # 11
When I think of a dealbreaker, I am talking about something that I wouldn’t put up with from the get go – as in I would never have gone on date 1 or 2 if I found out x, y or z. (e.g., the smoking example – I don’t want to be with a smoker so I would never date someone that did smoke, Obviously if my Fiance started smoking now I would not be happy and would encourage and support him to quit, but I wouldn’t divorce him over it.)
I find nothing wrong with dealbreakers – in my opinion, it’s called having standards and knowing what you want from a partner. I had a list of 30-50 “must haves” and “run for its” when I started dating again before I met my Fiance (my therapist recommended making a written list after I had been through 3 unhealthy and abusive relationships) – I absolutely held myself to that list so I didn’t waste time with someone who ultimately wasn’t going to meet my needs. My Fiance had from day 1 (and still does have) every single one of the must haves and has yet to display any of the run for its.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards/expectations for your life partner and knowing what traits will/will not fulfill your wants and needs in a relationships IN my opinion, doing an exercise as such takes the blinders of infatuation off and helps build a solid foundation for a lifelong relationship.
Some people get swept up in the infatuation of a relationship and surprise, when reality sets in the things someone turned a blind eye at because he was so cute and nice and charming at the beginning are harder to ignore now…leading to trouble in a relationship/marriage.
Post # 12
I dont agree with putting up with EVERYTHING just for the sake of staying together. However, my parents have been together since 1969 and married for almost 35 years. We do have a high divorce rate here in America. I dont care about other’s choices or relationships. I guess this is a spinoff from the smoking thread?
Post # 13
“If you really love someone there are going to be things that you hate about them.”
I disagree with this. I don’t hate anything about my husband. Does he have quirks? Absolutely. But there is not one thing I hate about him.
Every person’s set of dealbreakers is different, and some have a longer list than others. Often, I find that people speaking of dealbreakers mean “would you have started dating someone given that they had this trait”. Well, I wouldn’t have started dating my husband/gotten serious with him if he smoked, or if I knew he was irresponsible with money, or if he was a serial cheater. Those were dealbreakers. Would they be dealbreakers now? Probalby not, because we have more than just an introductory relationship going and I promised to support him in sickness and in health. However, the extreme cases (infidelity, abuse) remain the same, just the threshold for dealbreaking is higher the more advanced we get in our relationship.
Post # 14
Deal breakers= you have standards and know what you will and won’t put up with and settle for. Being a doormat is not a good quality, loving someone doesn’t mean you have to take whatever they dish out and having enough confidence to walk when something is not working isn’t a bad thing.
Post # 15
Smoking is a deal breaker for me. It doesn’t mean I would divorce my husband if he smoked a cigarette. I can’t be around 2nd and 3rd hand smoke though. Anything smelling like smoke would not be allowed in the apartment. I would be willing to work on it with Darling Husband for a short period of time, but if he kept with it I would end up divorcing him. Since he knows my health problems, I would be questioning why he would even start.
Post # 16
I feel it’s more you love the person because they don’t have any “dealbreakers” and if you date them long enough and get to know them then you will know if they are the one and that they won’t turn into someone you don’t want to be with, those are things you figure out before marrying someone. You don’t marry them if there is something you can’t get past. I know people change but if you know them well enough they won’t drastically change to something you would consider a dealbreaker. I agree with another bee that abuse, adultery, and abandonment are the only reasons anyone should ever get divorced, so someone should know the other well enough before marriage so they don’t suddenly turn into something else.