I followed my heart

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1869 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Mrs.MilitaryBee :  exactly! If it was a man she had an affair with and left her husband for the responses would have been so different.

I’m sure her poor husband and child won’t be thinking well she’s being authentic (🙄) so I feel way less fucked over! 

Post # 17
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

ljm308 :  its like she thinks all this happened in a bubble. It didnt happen in a bubble. She married once, had a child and divorced. Now she has married again and brought a child into a new marriage and has imploded the world of this child and her girlfriend has done the same. 

It seems to me the only “truth” is a self serving way to justify an affair. Apparently she was never bi or gay before and even refuses to acknowledge it now. So it isnt really a truth so much as its an emotional affair built on a drunken kiss and secrets.

I dare say that once the secretism is gone and the real day to day nuances of a real relationship begin its not going to rainbows and butterflies.

Post # 18
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

thumperbear :  The OP was unbelievably selfish to marry her husband, but I don’t think it is exactly the same as if she were cheating with a man. In all fairness, I think there’s a lot more denial when it means coming to terms with being LGBT than there is with being a regular cheat.

Post # 19
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

allywed :  Its cheating regardless of whether its a man or a woman. She carried on an emotional affair and went through with a wedding even after experiencing “feelings” for her friend. She did in fact kiss her while engaged to her soon to be ex Darling Husband. 

Thats cheating. You dont begin a relationship with anyone unless and until you finish the one you are currently in.

Just ask any bee who’s Darling Husband cheated on them with a man. Its still betrayal.

Maybe Im old fashioned, but cheating is cheating. 

Post # 20
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

confusedbee12345 :  

I could have written parts of this story. I left my fiancé, a man that loved me and treated me well, because I fell in love with my best friend. Like you, she hadn’t been with woman (I had), and she doesn’t identify as gay, straight, or bisexual… she just knows that she loves me. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made, but also one of the best. We have been together a year next month, and we are very happy together.

What got me through it was this:

Go, even though you love him.

Go, even though he is kind and faithful and dear to you.
Go, even though he’s your best friend and you’re his. 
Go, even though you can’t imagine your life without him. 
Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him. 
Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three. 
Go, even though you once said you would stay. 
Go, even though you’re afraid of being alone. 
Go, even though you’re sure no one will ever love you as well as he does. 
Go, even though there is nowhere to go.
Go, even though you don’t know exactly why you can’t stay.
Go, because you want to. 
Because wanting to leave is enough.” – Cheryl Strayed 

Post # 21
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

hazelmaeandromy :  The difference is you didnt marry your Fiance knowing you had feelings for someone else and then commit emotional adultery with your partner. 

Post # 22
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

allywed :  It is cheating.  Period.  I feel for her with these feelings she’s having, but her whole leaving her husband thing is based on a drunken night and lots of hiding behind closed doors, making it “exciting”.  With a child and this other woman having 3 kids, they do not have the luxury to follow their heart.  The OP needs therapy to figure out why she keeps on going from one person to the next.  The common denominator here is her.

Post # 23
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Wow. The Beehive is rly buzzing tonight lol. I think we can all agree that cheating on your husband is a bad thing, and you can’t justify it under the guise of living your most authentic life when so many other people’s lives will be affected. 

That being said, I have friends who have had sexual orientation identification issues too and it does make things a little more complex. The OP said she doesn’t identify as a lesbian or bi, that clearly shows some inner turmoil/identification issues. That’s definitely not an excuse for cheating, but it warrants some compassion. I can’t imagine that she maliciously married and divorced two men, putting a strain on her kids. 

Post # 24
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t know using the phrase “following my heart” could give you carte blanche to treat other’s so poorly, AND still be proud of yourself.

Perhaps I can be less ethical in my treatment of other people, to follow my hearts desire to live as a millionaire. 

Post # 25
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

dodobee :  We could start knocking off old ladies and stealing their purses!! Kidding!

Post # 26
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

As much as I understand and agree that the cheating in this situation was an absolutely shitty thing to do, I think it’s completely and entirely unreasonable to reduce it down to that and that alone. 

Was it wrong? Oh yeah. Big time. 
Is discovering that you’re not the sexuality you had forced yourself into always easy? Not at all. 

No excuses will justify the bad decisions, but it’s also more than what people are trying to say. Good luck.

Post # 27
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

I support you coming to terms with your sexual identity and a life that is true and authentic.

I also struggle with the wreckage left in the wake of this discovery. I have never been in your position, and I know that I can’t understand exactly how hard it has been for you. But can I encourage you to do a few things? First, prioritize stability for your child. This has likely been a traumatic time for her/him. Family dynamics have shifted so much, and I think you really need to be there for your kid, and consider family therapy. Whatever you do, don’t rush with your new love. Build gradually and find a new stability with your child.

Second, assuming your ex-husband is fundamentally a good person, I would encourage you to try to make amends. If you put yourself in his shoes, you can imagine how awful this must have been for him.

Go slowly, bee. There have been a lot of changes in a very short period of time, and not only for you. I believe you when you say that you feel that your new love is your soulmate, and that you could see forever with her. But build slowly. “Madly in love” is great, but not a guarantee of stability. It’s not the best frame of mind in which to make decisions, either. You have a lot to learn about each other, but your primary obligation is to provide a stable base for your child.

Post # 28
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I can’t see how any part of this is commendable behaviour.

Post # 29
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Well bless your heart.

Post # 30
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think the part that truely upsets me is after these two have thoroughly screwed everyone who li ed them over – spouses and children – they decide to keep tbe whole thing quiet so they dont have to actually experience consequences for their actions  (having this part of a custody anx divorce case). Authentic my ass! If you want to be authentic, own ehat you did and accept that sone people (pèhaps most) won’t see this as a delightful love story. They’ll see it as selfish and cruel and perhaps even behaviour  not indicative of the stable personality required to get custody of children. 

I hope both of you are at least making amends by not asking for any financial resources from the marriage. Leave your spouses with everything. They deserve that.

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