Post # 1
I need some opinions. I recently found a journal sitting on our kitchen table. I was unaware what it was, so I picked it up and skimmed through. In it were the personal thoughts of my fiance, who lost his job a few months ago and has been pretty depressed. Curiousity got the best of me and I seen a passage with my name on it, so I read what he wrote. It was awful. Talking about how he was no longer attracted to me, how im too submissive, and how he is going to leave me once he finds a job. Im absolutely devastated. I have no clue what to think or feel. I cannot imagine life without him. I spoke to him about what i found, and he apologized for writing it, and said that he thinks a lot of really dark things lately, so he writes them down to get them out of his head. He says he has no intentions of leaving me,
I needed to rant because I dont speak negative things about my fiance to anyone, but I also need advice. Im not sure what to do.
Im sorry if this post is as scatterbrained as I am right now, but my whole world feels like its crumbling.
Post # 2
Yikes. Perhaps you shouldn’t have read it but why would he leave it out on the table knowing what was in it?! You should evaluate how this affects you, we all have dark thoughts but that is a major red flag
Post # 3
Seems very odd he left his personal diary on the kitchen table. Almost like he wanted you to see it?
Is he reaching out for help? People don’t always mean everything they write down but it seems like he might have left it there so you can see what he is going through… still, not a great sign that he’s having these thoughts at all :S
Discussion time needed with him
Post # 4
How do you feel about being with someone who has “dark thoughts” about leaving you?
Is this someone who makes you feel secure and loved and safe?
Is he getting help for his depression? Obviously he should be.
Post # 5
I agree with theatrejulia :
a couple of major red flags here
i have a journal i use to help me collect my thoughts and even though i’ve never written a single word in it about my any of my past SOs or my DH, i’m HYPER aware of where it is at all times just because i write down every one of my inner most thoughts and would be embarrassed for someone else to find it. i’d never just leave it sitting out — but even MORESO if i’d written things about a SO in there
have you asked him about why he left it out? i’m sorry you’re dealing with this, bee. i know this must be really hard. 🙁
you do need to use this to start a dialogue with him. you deserve someone who doesn’t make you feel on pins and needles as to whether they are going to leave you
Post # 6
How awful– I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your fiance should definitely be seeing a therapist if he’s that depressed, and you might consider one for yourself to help you cope. You need to consider whether you want to continue this relationship– if so, couples counseling would be a good idea.
Post # 7
Oh dear. Obviously, you should not have read it but now that you have I don’t know how you can ignore what he wrote. That would just absolutely crush me and I don’t exactly know how I would move past it. I can’t imagine even in my lowest moments thinking, much less writing down, something like that about my partner.
Part of me says – of course he says he didn’t mean it, he still needs you until he finds a job.
The other part of me says – well maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt here and trust he won’t leave you as soon as he gets a job.
But I have to be honest, the first voice is stronger. He could very well just be using you. But only you can decide what to do at this point. What is your gut telling you?
Post # 8
Wow, I don’t know what to say about this… That’s pretty bad..? Did he in some weird way WANT you to read it? Leaving it on the table like that? Being depressed and all, people can show really weird traits at those times. Ive dealt with that myself and people doesn’t always act in the most logical ways at those times and conditions.. Could it be like that? Like it was some way for him to communicate his problems with your relation to you, without having to tell you directly?
I would want to find out more about this before letting it go or brushing it off as just “dark thouhgts but it is all good now”….
I am so, so, so sorry. It must have broken your heart to read all that.
Post # 9
I think it’s odd he left it sitting out, almost like he wanted you to find it.
Post # 10
Even at my lowest I would never write such things about my husband and then wish to leave him. I think he left it out for a reason and that’s something you should think about.
Post # 11
It seems careless to leave it lying around if he didn’t mean those thoughts…
I read somewhere that depression can make people say things that aren’t true and this could be the case here or he could be placating you until he’s back on his feet. Is he in therapy to deal with his depression? Is he doing anything to overcome these dark thoughts? If he isn’t trying to get help then those dark thoughts (true or not) will resurface. If he is getting help, you can ask him to sort through the comments. You have to decide if it really was him or just the depression and if it was the depression, what was the reason behind it?
However, in the mean time if you decide you can’t go forward with this relationship, then don’t. Not everything can be forgiven because of depression. Take care of yourself. Put yourself before him because 1) if you stay and act in a carers capacity it is important to make sure you don’t burn yourself out 2) if you leave/he is speaking the truth you’ll have wasted a lot of time and energy and you won’t value yourself.
Post # 12
It could also be that he isn’t feeling neither attracted to you, or in love with you, now that he is depressed, but that this would change if he got back on his feet.
Being depressed can really change emotions, towards yourself as well as towards others. It can really truly change what you feel about anything. Even your children.
Post # 13
It crushed me to read these things, and my first thought was to leave. After calming down a bit I thought more about leaving and realized my life would be meaningless without him. He is all I have. I dont speak to my family and am 700 miles away from friends. I simply just cant picture my life without him in it. Besides from the journal, his real life actions never led me to think anything bad about him. He is so loving and supportive. Our sex life has suffered a bit recently, only being intimate about once a week, but i chalked that up to him being depressed.
Im really not sure he left it out on purpose, as I remember seeing him taking it out of his laptop case before his interview this morning. I assumed it was a plain notepad, which is why i opened it this morning looking for a piece of paper to start a grocery list.
Im still not sure what my next move is..
Post # 14
Personally, I think you should have realized pretty quickly that it was a journal and seeing your name wasn’t an open invitation to continue. I leave my journals in plain sight because I have trust in my partner about boundaries. I could see him mistaking one but quickly realizing and not touching it further.
Depression is difficult and what he wrote could very well in fact have stemmed from it and stressors around him. It can be difficult not to take aspects of depression personally but a lot of times it truly isn’t a reflection of how you are regarded. However, this is definitely something that he should be seeking out a therapist for and getting professional guidance.
Ultimately, it’s your decision on what to do. However, it’s easy to say things you would never say but another thing entirely to be dealing with mental illness such as depression. Being with someone that is dealing with depression is not easy and it’s completely something I would never fault someone for not being able to be around. I think, if you want to stay, you should be pushing him to seek out help and I think you need to set a boundary to not touch his journals. As a partner to someone dealing with depression, you should also seek out therapy as well.
Post # 15
We went to our sheduled event as planned, and he was very loving and apologetic. He kept mentioning how upset it made him seeing me hurt, how he hated that I had seen the notebook and how he should have never wrote it down.
I cant tell if he is really sorry, or just sorry I found it.