(Closed) I found a journal written by my fiance with ugly things about me. Help!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
10396 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If you are going to stay, he need to go to therapy and get help for his depression.

It makes me sad that you think your life would be meaningless without him. Regardless of whether or not you stay, I think this is something you really need to work on. Start reaching out in your local community by volunteering, going to meet-ups, something so that you can start connecting with people. You might also want to look into therapy because no one should feel like all of thier life’s meaning is connected to someone else and quite frankly it’s a horrible reason to stay with someone.

Post # 18
Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee

My best advice is to keep your eyes wide open and be careful, bee. As you say, is he sorry, or sorry you found out? Depression is ugly, but even at my worst the one person I lean on is my fiancé. I can’t understand writing down horrible things about the person you love, but it does have a different effect on everyone. How do you feel moving forward? Can you trust him? 

Post # 19
Member
3343 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I wonder if it was a passive aggressive move and he wanted you to find it.  I agree,  keep your eyes open.

Post # 20
Member
2551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Oh damn girl I’m so sorry.  That is like a super-dark version of the scene from Bridget Jones Diary.

Whatever you decide to do, just sending hugs.

Post # 21
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Ugh Bee that sucks and I’m so sorry. I would be super hurt, and completely freaked out that I was being used. 

HOWEVER I have a few mental health / relationship issues and a symptom is that I tend to put my partner on an unrealistic pedestal. For example I have a lot of thoughts like “He’s so perfect and I’m not and when he finds someone perfect he’ll leave me.” At the suggestion of a counselor I actually made a list of everything that wasn’t perfect / I didn’t like about him. Not because I don’t want to be with him, but realistically, he isn’t a perfect person, because no one is. Now this list is in my phone and I trust my partner not to go through my messages but if he did…yikes! All I’m trying to say is there are LOTS of reasons people right down mean/shitty things.

At the same time, I think if you are going to stay with him (in addition to some couples counselling) you might want to change your attitude about him and relationships in general. Nobody should be your “everything” or make you feel like you’d be “nothing” without them. Realistically, even if you stay with him for the rest of your life, one of you will die first, and the other will be alone. Having an identity outside of your relationship will make tbe whole situation less anxiety inducing. Plus if he does turn out to be an asshole, you’ll have hobbies to enjoy and friends to bitch to.

Just my 2 cents 🙂

Post # 22
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I have suffered from major depression. It is overwhelming and you can have thoughts that are horrible about everyone and everything. If I had written out my thoughts, some would be extremely hurtful. It really could just be the depression coming out. Take some time to evaluate your entire relationship before making any rush decisions. 

Post # 23
Member
1586 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Honestly, I do think he wanted you to see it, or wanted to let you know how he felt but didn’t have the guts to tell you. If I was thinking nasty shit about someone, even if I “didn’t mean it” and was venting, I’d either not be stupid enough to put it in writing or I’d delete all the evidence. I’ve had less than charitable thoughts about Fiance when I’ve been annoyed at him, but I’d never write it down and if I did, I would rather eat the notebook than let him see it.

Ordinarily, I would think that leaving is a good option, but his mental health issues complicate things. If he is willing to get help for his depression and see if his feelings about you change once he’s getting some help, it might all turn out okay, but it is very hard to live with someone who is depressed, lets it affect your relationship and full on refuses to get help. That was one of the things that ended my first marriage – I do everything possible to treat my OCD, anxiety and depression and minimise its impact on my partner, whereas my ex had depression but refused to see a doctor or a therapist. 

Post # 24
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Sweetheart, with love and kindness- the fact that you mention that “your life is meaningless without him” is another red flag. A couple is a stronger team together but each person should still be able to be strong enough on their own to build that stronger team. That should also be addeessed. I am not saying this to be mean but given that comment and his “dark thoughts” this is starting to sound codependent. You both need to build yourselves up as individuals to be stronger together. 

Post # 25
Member
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m a chronic writer and the majoirty of what I put down isn’t positive. That’s the whole reason I was motivated enough to write in the first place – I use it as an outlet. I’m always telling myself to log more of the happy things, thoughts, etc., but when you’re happy you don’t want to waste your time writing, lol… It’s a therapeeutic thing. Couple that with your FI’s depression and I’m not surprsied he said terrible things. I’ve written some terrible things that shock me when I randomly re-read them. Yes, some where about my Fiance. I don’t actually think the the things I wrote then now, but it’s apparent at the time of writing I thought them. 

I would be hurt, yes, but again as a writer I don’t think I’d take the words literally, long term. I’d believe they were valid in the moment, but I don’t think I’d let it cripple me emotionally. I’d keep an eye on his behaviour, for sure and take some time to reflect on the things he said. IMO, only things that are true can hurt you so maybe it’s time to get a hold on some of the things that he wrote that hurt you?

This is also why I don’t keep a paper and pen journal! It’s all written online. I’d be devastated if anyone close me read it. Even if an entry wasn’t about them those are my private thoughts…

Post # 26
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Personally I am not a journal/diary person but I do write fiction and I can say that if Mr. 99 was so inclined he could read A LOT into the things I put on paper…for me its a place of freedom and creativity and I make a concerted effort NOT to edit or judge myself in that capacity as I feel it only hinder the work.

I know its not even close to the same thing as finding a journal with mean things written specifically about YOU in them…but I like to think we’re in the same neighborhood…kinda. 

If he’s been in a rough spot personally it makes sense that all those bad feelings and ugly impressions will spill and stain every corner of his life…but in my mind he did the right thing – instead of taking it out on you – he took it to the page…you say his demeanor toward you hasn’t changed and I really urge you to trust his actions and not what you read…its not the truth but a sad soul’s dark impression of it in a rough spot.

 

 

Post # 27
Member
13265 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Count me as a skeptic. I have no doubt Fiance has struggled with depression and could even buy that he carelessly left his journal on the table and never intended for you to read it. 

But personally I could never “unread” or “unhear” those thoughts. And they certainly don’t explain the very specific nature of his complaints. 

Before marriage, I’m sorry to say, I’d call it quits. I would not be willing to deal with any of this. 

Also of note is the fact that he wanted to break up after he found a job. Right now he’d be in a tight place without you. In other words, he could be desperate enough to lie. Even, he’s not lying, I would have a hard time ever trusting him again. 

What happens next time? 

Post # 28
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
theatrejulia :  I completely agree! 

 

There is something wrong if you think your life is meaningless without a man in it. I love my fiancĂ© witH all my heart and if we broke up I would be devasated but I wouldn’t think my life is meaningless. 

Post # 29
Member
5240 posts
Bee Keeper

I hate to jump into conclusions because I don’t know your SO personally and he is depressed. But I can’t get over that he wrote he will be leaving you once he finds a job. Therefore, I can’t help but think that the reason he’s acting loving and saying he has no intentions of leaving you is because he needs someone to support him financially right now. Sorry you are in this situation. 

Post # 30
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Write this note for him and leave it on the kitchen table:

 

BYE BYE 

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