(Closed) I found a journal written by my fiance with ugly things about me. Help!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2834 posts
Sugar bee

I am so very sorry.  As someone who has in the past dealt with clinical depression I justwant to say there is depression and then there is outright meanness. If he really cared what you thought he would either discard his thoughts once  he wrote them or at the very least made sure his journal was in a place where you wouldn’t find it.

I know you feel like shit, who wouldn’t, but for your own peace of mind you should consider if he is someone you want in your life. Can you handle the drk thoughts? You two should be lifting each other up, not dragging each other down.

 

Post # 33
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

If i found something my partner wrote about waiting to find a job to leave me he’d be gone. Its one thing to write negative things when youre upset its a whole other thing to be planning to leave once he no longer needs to use you for financial support, thats so low and disgusting. IMO you should take a photo of it and kick him out

Post # 34
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

If you were my BFF I’d tell you to move home and work on you. You should never feel like your life would be meaningless without someone else. Go back wherever your family and friends and support system are. He needs to work on himself too. If you re-unite someday great. You both kinda sound like a hot mess. What he said is horrid. Staying with someone who could say things like that about you is also awful.  

Post # 36
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

I think you absolutely should not take it personally or walk out. think of your parents or siblings and all the niggling things that you hate about them. doesnt mean you dont love them. plus he is depressed and not in his right mind.

Post # 38
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

As someone who has suffered from severe depression, I’d say take it with a grain of salt. The feelings that come with these mental issues usually exacerbate these types of issues. Be on alert, but try to be his rock right now, it will help him to see the error in his thought processes. 

Having said that, you probably need therapy, both jointly and individually. By reading his journal, you opened Pandora’s box, and will be suspicious of his motives. 

Post # 39
Member
13215 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Words matter. Depression doesn’t make you say mean and horrible things about the person you are supposed to love and it is no justification for them.

Even after the fact he’s turning this around and blaming you instead of having any compassion or empathy for what you must have felt. 

 

Post # 40
Member
3030 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

First and foremost, depression does make you say and do horrible things even to the ones you love. Depression is also different for every person so saying my depression never made me say xyz holds no weight. None of us are your partner and none of us are going through what he is specifically in terms of his depression. However, someone going through their own form of depression should, I would hope, be more able to understand that.

First, he technically kept a personal diary and his partner reading that is a violation in the same way a partner snooping through texts would be. 

Depression is nasty and writing is, for many, a legit way to cope when it gets too thick. That does not mean what is written is whom that person is truly or how that person feels truly. 

For him, writing is clearly his initial stage of coping. To have that violated would certainly make anyone defensive if not hurt. While what he wrote was upsetting, it should have been a space that was respected.

Now this doesn’t mean OP can’t feel hurt. Of course she can be hurt. As I stated before, having a partner or family member with depression hurts and it’s hard to not take it personally.

So, OP, shouldn’t be discussing this with a board of people that can not properly explain the way depression works and the way it can present itself. She should be making an appt with a therapist to discuss it with them and to discuss her own feelings that she is struggling with and will struggle with at times in sticking by a partner with depression.

It’s perfectly fine to say it’s too much and not a healthy dynamic for her if that’s her decision. However, it’s not cool to have feelings like he wanted to be vindictive or that his illness is just an excuse. 

The reason he is turning around and snapping is because he had a trusted and stable place he thought he could unload all the “dark stuff” of his depression in times of deeper depression and now that is being thrust back to him and filling him more than likely with a lot of feelings of guilt/reprimand. Anyone would fill a range of emotions even resentful for having an illness being held against them especially one they’re trying to battle. More than likely his depression is coming full scale because now he is feeling backed into a corner for potentially things he doesn’t feel he truly feels when he is having a “good” day. He certainly feels sorry for having depression and having it cause him to be like that but it’s also something he cannot help or control. Depending on how OP approaches it, which is why the help of a therapist is needed, it can feel like he’s being attacked for his depression. 

Depression makes you sexually not attracted. Depression makes you feel like your relationship may be too hard or too difficult and maybe it’d be better to be alone. Depression makes your mind turn to places you never want to go to. People don’t say battling depression lightly and those battling depression certainly do not love the people closest to them less. It’s an illness. 

So, by all means, let’s advise the OP not to be with him till he gets to a better state, not to be with him if it’s taking a toll on her, to get him help, to get herself help, or so forth…but let’s not make light of what depression is and what depression does. 

Post # 41
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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soymilk :   This. It’s ok to be hurt. Depression makes it hard to see the good in anything, and everyone’s experience is different. Hes going to be defensive, because it’s impossible to prove a negative. He wrote some things that may not be definitely how he feels, but user that outlet to vent. Now there’s no way to explain that away. Therapy, asap. 

Post # 42
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

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quiznos :  I think he might have left it there deliberately, however, depression makes people do things that they do not truly mean. I would see how things go when his condition improves and go from there. If it were me and I really loved him, I would forgive for now, but not forget. 

Post # 43
Member
6935 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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quiznos :  I think you both need to be in individual therapy STAT. Him using the term “dark thoughts” is very scary and worrying. Has he ever sought help for his depression? And then there’s your idea that life would be “meaningless” without him. I know you said later that you didn’t really mean that, but you’re the one that chose those words first. And words matter. This all points to a very troubling co-dependent relationship. 

As far as the journal, whether he really meant those things he wrote or not, I don’t know if I could ever forget them. They’d pop up in my head over and over and I’d never fully trust him again. And that’s a terrible way to live one’s life. 

Post # 44
Member
274 posts
Helper bee

I ran this by my Fiance, who has his masters in mental health counseling (even though he works as a PO) and he suggested that this could have been an attempt for your Fiance to reach out to you, share a little bit of his mindset about other things with you, and hopefully recieve some help or support. He also suggested that someone who REALLY had the intention to leave like that would have been hyper aware of where that book was so that you didn’t catch on and remove his support line before he was ready – the fact that he left it out shows either REAL apathy and depression which needs help, or REAL desire for communication with you somehow. He said he feels for the guy, but maybe you should encourage him to talk to someone, find a therapist he trusts either together or seperate, see if there’s maybe a medication that could help him temporarily, and some type of cognitive behavioral therapy that could help him learn to cope. Depression is awful to everyone it touches – it’s gonna be hard on you too. 

But if good times outweigh the bad, and he’s never done anything BEHAVIORALLY towards you to make you concerned, I wouldn’t abandon ship just yet. You know how when someone does something wrong and then says they are going to change and we say “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!” Well, I’d imagine in this situation that goes the other way too. 

However. Because of my anxiety issues, I might start saving a little bit of money and preparing myself for the worst JUST IN CASE. Be prepared for the worst, hope for and work for the best. Best luck to you and yours – this is a bitch and a half to deal with. 

 

Post # 45
Member
1809 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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quiznos :  first of all, depression can take you to a terrible dark place. He might feel not sexually attracted to you because of the depression – which is very common. He probably also feels very low self-esteem because he has no job. 

Whether consciously or not – he probably left it out for you to find it.  He needs to talk about all these feelings. 

Is he getting help for the depression? Is he on medication? Is he in therapy? That can help him get through this depression. 

You will need to decide what you want to do next. He might come out of his depression and still have the same feelings for you. He might actually do as he said and break up with you when he gets a job. I would be prepared for that – make sure you have enough savings to live on your own. Now isn’t the time for an expensive cruise. 

Be sure you’re prepared for the worst – I went through depression and couldn’t stand my fiancé – I hoped it was just the depression – but 6 months later after being on antidepressants, I came to realize that I really couldn’t stand him – and had to break up with him. This might actually be the end of your relationship and you might have to face that. 

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