(Closed) I found a journal written by my fiance with ugly things about me. Help!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
1246 posts
Bumble bee

wow…. what a lot of replies. I don’t know, bee, but this whole thing sounds uber-fishy to me, and I am really pissed on your behalf. I understand that he’s depressed; I genuinely do…. but I dont’ know if I could ever get past the things he wrote down and actually trust him after that.

I don’t think I could trust my partner again if he said he was going to leave me once he found a job. There really isn’t a way to know, then, if he is just using you since you are ‘submissive’ until he gets on his feet and gets outta there. Your attempts to discuss things were met with anger and hostility. I can tell you, that if my partner was hurt by somethign that I wrote (and didn’t genuinely mean) you can be sure that I would be tripping all over myself to try and make things better…. and I would be apologizing ad nauseum.

This whole situation doesnt sound good to me. I think I’d cut my losses and get out of there~ for me I think the wound would be too deep and I couldn’t get past it. Let him find someone else to pay his rent and he can manage his depression and self esteem issues with a therapist.


Post # 47
2171 posts
Buzzing bee

I know from experience dealing with clinical depression for most of my life, do not worry about what he put in his journal. Those thoughts aren’t about you, as hard as it is to accept that. Its about him. Depression can create all kinds of thoughts, especially negative ones, that aren’t actually connected to any real feelings or things that have happened. He needs a place to put those thoughts. 

I don’t think he left it out on purpose, maybe so, but I doubt he would want you to read those unfiltered thoughts, very few people are comfortable with that. He may have simply forgot it was out. Seriously, major depression can have that affect. 

If he isn’t seeking professional help, he needs to. Don’t read his personal thoughts again. Honestly, as soon as you saw your name in there, you should have put it away. I know the temptation, but you knew it was his journal. Big invasion of privacy, even if left out, of someone you love.  

Post # 48
132 posts
Blushing bee

Get your ducks in a row (if you live together, whose on the lease? What’s your exit plan? Do you have first and last months rent if you need to move assuming he follows up on plans to leave you when he gets a new job…) I’d look at getting just you on the lease, or removing yourself from it if you are joint. Put any planning on hold. 

Post # 49
1006 posts
Bumble bee

Agree with others who said that it was a cry for help.  I don’t know whether or not you should stay with him, but I’d encourage him to get some sort of treatment.

Post # 50
626 posts
Busy bee

Of course it crushed you to read that. It would crush me too. It is typical, however, for depressed people to have dark thoughts about every single aspect of their life. In your place, I think I would schedule an individual appointment with a therapist to discuss the diary and the depression, and figure out a way forward.

Good luck. I’ve read a lot about depression, and dark/untrue thoughts seem to be a very common part of it. Getting proper treatment may solve this

Post # 51
9121 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
quiznos :  

Doubtless he is depressed and yes it can make you say and think things that you would never normally think or say . But calling you ‘too submissive’ then planning to use that  very trait  to leave   you only when he has a  job , is, to my mind ,  a bit too bloody specific and forward-thinking to write off as an unmeant  product  of depression. Especially when written down and  left on the kitchen table .

Just  as bad is you saying  “..my life would be meaningless without him. He is all I have” Even though  you stepped back and said you really didn’t mean it ,  that’s what you said OP,  and I am very sorry to hear  it.

I would prepare for the the worst, ie the relationship  has run its course , at least for him. Whether you stay and help him through his depression and therapy is, of course, your decision entirely . But plaase dont assume  you will be rewarded  for  it by having a restored and happy relationship afterwards   It’s just as likely  it will be all he needs to get the courage and strength to  leave you  , I fear . 

I do hope I’m wrong.

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