Post # 32
I was reading your post and I will tell you I was married to a man who was sweet, kind and I was in love with but I kept feeling something was wrong. He kept his computer passworded and when we shared a computer I would find porn sites were being visited in my history. He tried to blame it on my son and sad thing my son admitted to it. SO after were married for 2 years I still felt something wrong. In fact, one night he was sitting on the floor with his back to me, his laptop on his lap and I woke up unbeknowns to him and it looked like he was looking at a woman scantily dressed but it looked like Craig’s list. I said something to him (Wish I had waited to watch longer) and he shut his computer down quickly and told me it was nothing. I had no idea at the time that Craig’s list had a place where prostitutes could advertise. He forgot to close down his computer one night and I got on and looked at his computer. I looked at the history files and sure enough there were porn videos, etc. I looked at them and he was looking at granny porn and mother and son porn. It grossed me out! I know from a previous marriage that if you fantasize so long you will no longer get the thrill and need to go deeper and eventually do that act. I knew if my husband was looking at these videos, he was probably wanting to do the act. He had told me at one time in his life he visited prostitutes but only when he was single. So I got very curious, after I was gone for a week and I checked the numbers on our cell phone. I started calling them annonymously (*67) and sure enough I got a girl on the phone and I asked her if she advertised on Craig’s list and she was reluctant to answer me thinking I might be police but I convinced her I wasn’t and she described my husband to a Tee! She was 18 and he was 50. I found other phone numbers that matched up to ads on Craig’s list. He had been doing this almost our whole marriage even though he talked about how horrible it was for men to cheat. I didn’t leave him because financially I couldn’t. We went for counseling but the counselor didn’t seem that interested and my husband wouldn’t go to anyone else. He confessed and said he wouldn’t do it again and all seemed okay for a while but I could never trust him. It would eat at me to look at his computer and phone…drove me up a wall! Eventually he left and I was finally free of the suspicions and the doubts!!! I divorced him quickly before I changed my mind. I will never ever regret my decision! I, by accident and prayer, learned his password to his email and found other email accounts and he had opened up and accounts on Adult Friendfinder and other various sex sites. He had posted naked pictures of himself and was encouraging and wanting “discreet” relationships with married women. He also was answering ads with young girls who wanted to have a father/daughter fantasy. He also paid $275 a shot for a girl friend experience “date” ending with sex! Truth is you will have problems “trusting” him and truth is if he is looking at porn of men, he will want that eventually. I would not not not stay in that relationship unless he is seeing a very good counselor who can truly help him and you are seeing one to help you with trust. I am not saying it couldn’t work but the chances of it working are up to him. DO NOT just go on and believe, “I won’t do it again” because he will. He needs HELP. This is not something a man can change by himself very easily. It is an addiction and it’s one that’s as hard to get rid of as an alcoholic is of alcohol. Also, why does he fantasize about she-males and male partners? I am not accusing him of being gay at all but there might be either curiousity or he was abused by a male at one time. This is very serious and for your sake, do NOT let him get by with this. It’s either intense therapy or no go! (I am now married to a wonderful wonderful man who has never looked at porn (I can tell you, I would know the signs!) and he has kept himself innocent in that area because he was a Pastor who dealt with lots of men and saw the devistation it had brought to their lives and their marriages. I do believe you can keep your boundaries high and believe in yourself and have enough self worth to find a good partner who loves you without any perversion!
Post # 33
I don’t know that he is gay, but I’d never marry a man where I had to wonder about that. Marriage is hard enough without the trust issues and possibility that you might not be the other person’s preferred gender.
Post # 34
Thank you for all your answers. At this point I have been thinking back to why I checked his phone and for some time now I have been thinking he might be up to no good. Problem was I never caught him doing anything, he was always home when I drove past, I couldn’t see how another woman was in the picture.
But now I see it as a very likely possibility that he was meeting of with married women on Ashley Madison, deleted all his emails ect. It never dawned on me that he was hooking up for casual sex which takes what, half an hour in a 1Hr hotel? On that note, I had seen a banking statement he left in a drawer, and noticed he had made two large cash withdrawals, three hundred in total which is odd for him. He pays everything on a credit card, including gas, plus he has a weekend side job where he makes extra cash. I now have the feeling what these were for.
Before I was hopeful about things, but the longer i think the more angry I get.
Post # 35
Sorry for typos, damn iPhone.
Post # 36
@joya_aspera: just have to say: Love your post!
Post # 37
As a woman of an ex boyfriend who had things to hide (not the same things, but things never the less), all I can say is that if your gut is telling you that he has done wrong and that you had a reason to snoop, you are probably right and he probably did do something wrong. We women have a sixth sense about that kind of thing. It’s hard finding out that your man cheated on you, but it’s better to find out and cut your losses now than after you get married to him IMO.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can only imagine what you are going through right now and I remember how that betrayel feels and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Post # 38
I see this post has resurfaced…
TO @Snickers675: any UPDATE.
Like the other ladies… no ring, no marriage, no kids… no ties. I’d be gone.
As someone else said, relationships are hard enough at the best of times… having a man in your life who hasn’t figured out his sexuality (or if he has and just isn’t being honest about it) is a recipe for a long road of heartache & pain
Life should be easier
Sides, I would find it hard enough to cope with the fact that he might be interested in women… knowing he’s interested in ANY AND ALL (On Line Porn Gals, Prostitutes, Married Women, Other Women, Moms, Teens, Grannies… and Trannies… ) would be WAAAY TOO MUCH COMPETITION for me.
There is most certainly someone out there waiting for you to come along… time to pack your bags and go find em.
Post # 39
Girl, you already know what to do. Get real here. Run for the hills and never look back
Post # 40
@Snickers675: I think you are right that it could eventually become physical. But even if not, it would bother me sooo badly if my guy was seeking out and having sexual thoughts about others a lot. I know for some this is no big deal, but love is about what you think and well as what you do with your body, so for me it would be an instant deal breaker.
Post # 42
I hope everything works out for you. He says he hasn’t acted on the fantasy or never met anyone but it could get to a point where he will act on those fantasy. I think the fact that he said the person he is with doesn’t understand is a big red flag. While you may feel a certain way about the situation, as if you can be open and honest, apparently he doesnt dell the same way. If his sexual fantasies and explorations will cause a rift I say pack your bags… but if you are willing to try new things with him then stay and work it out. But if it were me my bags would have been packed when I saw men and transexuals. I have nothing against them but we are on two seprate pages if he is looking at men.
Post # 43
@Snickers675: don’t be dumb leave him and leave him now do you want an STD? RUN woman
Post # 45
As much as you love him and want things to work out the truth is he has been hiding a big part of himself from you. You fell in love with the idea of how you wanted him to be and how he portrayed himself to be but you’ve caught him out red handed he has been lieing to you and i wouldnt believe another word that comes out of his mouth. The fact he is seeking out people online is alarm bells enough. If he loves you as much as you love him, YOU would be enough for him and he wouldnt be doing the things he’s doing. You deserve better and i believe you are wasting your life giving him a second chance. Just because he said he will stop doesnt mean he will.. if you hadnt caught him out he would still be doing it so what’s going to stop him doing it if you take him back. By taking him back it’s like saying you’re ok with it. Love is blind i have been blinded before but once you see past it you will realise how much better off you will be without him..