(Closed) I found PORN!

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

he always acts disgusted when there are some “porn” advertisements on late night tv, he always carries on about it and how sick it is!

considering your reaction im guessing he reacts that way because thats what you want to hear.  you “demanded” he take off his wedding ring over some pictures of a person you will never meet – you need to communicate and not dictate, hes not a child

what i would do you ask,  i would talk to him like an adult because i have my own stash of porn in the house that i think my husband know about it, its not hidden but its not on show either, he knows i have toys and he knows i self love  – doesnt mean i love him any less or that im unhappy with our marriage and its not like im addicted eitther

as you are so unhappy you need to talk to him and together you reach an agreement on whats acceptable in your marriage but hes entitled to be heard as well, it cant be 100% you

Post # 4
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I had to laugh at this only because when me and Fiance started dating he didn’t like the fact that i had a whole library of porn on my computer and made me delete it. Man was i pissed lol. But i did it to make him happy.

 

I hope u guys work through this, remember u gotta pick ur battles, and think if it’s really something u should be fighting about. 

 

(and as for his responses, remember he is a guy. And they can be different around other males. I doubt he would have told them ‘hey guys please don’t send me pics of these naked women’. lol)

Post # 5
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m not surprised at the reactions, you’ll find a lot of people on the Bee who love porn and don’t mind their SO’s having porn. That’s fine for them but not all of us feel that way.

For me, I’d be really upset too- I’m not comfortable with the guy I’m with looking at other women like that. I don’t think it has to be natural for a guy just because he’s a guy. This is something you two need to discuss, calmly, and figure out how to work this out. Is it possible your husband really doesn’t like them and is just saying that to look better in front of his brother? If you really feel it isn’t, then it bothers me that he’s lying about it- he should lie no matter how upset it makes you. And it also bothers me that he didn’t make you feel beautiful during pregnancy- that’s when women need it most, even though pregnancy is amazing and I think pregnant women are gorgeous, most don’t feel that way. I can’t give you advice on what to do, that’s your decision. Maybe counseling would help? If you aren’t comfortable with porn he needs to respect that.

Post # 7
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My Fiance and I ran into this issue when we first started dating. It was a CD he had, that he never looked at while with me, but I was looking through all of the cds and came across one that said “Porn” also, he was on websites of funny videos and dumb stuff when hes bored and sometimes they automatically download videos..some of them was porn. You can imagine my surprise when my mother was on his computer and goes oh no, tell Adam I accidentally deleted his porn…his WHAT?! At that point we were not engaged and were dating for only 5 months. I flipped since I am totally against porn. At that point we had sex 3-4 times a day. I could not imagine that he needed porn! We talked it over and he explained that those CDs were from college before he met me (which I believe because we are together 24-7 except when he is at work, which he has no computer there) and the videos downloaded automatically onto his computer (the ones she accidentally deleted), because there were some dumb videos that downloaded that weren’t porn. I actually went on that website and was bombarded with videos just downloading on its own…

 

Honestly, I flipped out though. I broke up with him for a second, told him to move out and go back to Michigan (he was living with me and my family in Pennsylvania), cried a bunch, yelled a bunch. But after talking to him and him explaining I believed him and forgave him. I think my freaking out made him really understand and know that I’m against it even more. He’s honestly not a liar, which is what drew me to him to begin with. When we were first getting to know each other and discussing our past…sexual partners he answered anything I wanted to know in detail. What they did, where it happened, how many times, how good she was, etc. (most girls would not want to know that, but I wanted EVERYTHING out on the table when we first started dating) So I know he wasn’t lying.

 

I think it was easier for me to throw in the towel only dating for 5 months, than you who has children with him. I wouldn’t have went as far to tell him to take his ring off. I would talk to him and see his point of view. I think it’s sad he feels he has to lie to you though. 

Post # 9
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

my biggest concern is that u were looking through his work laptop in the 1st place… i have never and will never look through my partners property for one good reason…you only look if you feel that person is untrustworthy and if you feel that way they probably are in which case you will probably find what you are looking for. i am sorry if this feels harsh but in my experience i have never had a friend look into their partners private things and not find something.

on the other hand his lying to you is shabby, but his responses were probably for the benifit of not looking like he is whipped infornt of his brother. in as much as the response he gives you when these things are advertised are for your benifit, he is probably rather ambivilant about it in my opinion.

i am sorry he did not make you feel beautiful during your pregnancy, but he is a man not a mind reader, if we need something we are unable to give ourselves we need to ask for it.

I genuinly hope the two of you are able to work through this as you are obviouly very upset.

Post # 11
Member
4831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@nuria: Why does he have to go through your stuff daily? It seems like your relationship is unhealthy and lacking trust.

I would suggest maybe some couples counseling to understand his need to go through all your stuff.

Did you ever ask him “do you have porn on your computer?” Because it is very possible his responses to his brother were a joke. I know my DH has been sent disgusting stuff over e-mail from his friends as a joke and he’s done the same to them, and they always respond with “Yeah that’s awesome” or “Show me something else” almost trying to “out gross” each other or “out porn” each other.

Post # 12
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think I’m in the minority, but I find his brother and male friend sending him these links more disturbing. Yeah, the porn part sucks.. but his brother sending it to him is just weird. Like they watch together.

Post # 13
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@eloping:You actually don’t know that he will “never meet the person in real life.” My friend’s Fiance started with looking at those “Meet Local Singles” or “webcam now” or whatever it’s called, and actually did end up “meeting” one of those women. It can be an addiction and a disease. I mean he went so far to start having relationships with these people we like to think they’re just looking at for pleasure. And maybe this was an extreme case. But was it really? If you’re not cool with porn, you’re not cool with porn. And if he knows that, then it is what it is. I’m not cool with porn, strippers, or the like, and it has nothing to do with me being insecure (I run halves, do hot yoga, and am actually really happy with my self at this point in my life), I look at it as all forms of cheating. I just feel if you’re in a committed relationship with me there shouldn’t be a need to go outside of the relationship to look at a** and tities. 

Back to original poster, I would talk to him again about it. Are these people sending him porn directly that he’s replying to? Maybe you guys should look into marital counseling so you can get it all out there with a neutral 3rd party.

Post # 14
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Sunset Harbour

I am just one of those women who don’t have a problem with porn, I watch it, Fiance and I have talked about watching it together here and there, and I generally just have a hard time grasping where people do have a problem with it.

I am going to go ahead and say that his lieing to you is probably based on the fact that he knows that you dont like porn and doesnt want you to look down on him because of it – which is how you responded. I know you are upset about him lying to you, but of all the things that could go wrong in a relationship, finding out that he is looking at porn that his brother is sending him doesn’t really rank all that high. 

I think telling him to take his ring off was pretty harsh. There are men out there that would have found real local “cheap sluts” at a bar instead of amsuing himself over the computer screen.

Post # 15
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i agree with KatNYC2011–why is he checking your email and phone? it’s not okay to feel interrogated!

dh and i had a similar fight to what you’re describing early in our relationship–he originally asked me about porn, and when i said i didn’t watch it, he lied and said he didn’t either because he thought i would not be okay with it. then a couple years later i was cleaning and found a couple dvds. i wasn’t upset about the porn so much as the fact that he’d lied to me about it. but we were able to talk it out and it was fine. he was lying bc he thought it would upset me, but then understood it was the lying that was worse. so yeah, i would just try and decide which part bothers you most and then focus on that. but, if there’s a double standard where he’s being really controlling of you (aka his checking your private info), there is prob a larger trust issue you need to confront

Post # 16
Member
788 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I understand that some people like porn and that’s okay for them I guess, but I prefer my DH look at it in moderation, because it is SOOO available and can become addicting and can skew how men see women and confuse men about what should be expected from women. Some people can watch it and keep their head on straight, but some people can’t and it sounds like the OP’s man is one of those people… if he’s going nuts over porn with his brother, that is WEIRD. If he can’t even make her feel pretty while she’s pregnant because he thinks all women should be coked out, oiled up and have fake boobs/nails/hair/tan/eyelashes… he’s lost sight of what real women look like.

Porn objectifies women, then there is (sometimes) pressure on women to be full time workers, moms, supportive wives, maids and then also porn stars. If the OP has a problem with that pressure then that’s her right. Her DH convinced her that he didn’t like porn, he thought it was sick. That’s a lie, he likes it.

How can people say she “made him lie because he knew how she felt about porn”???? Since when is it a woman’s fault when her man lies to her or keeps things from her? I would be PISSED if my man told me he was disgusted by something he was actually secretly participating it, that’s hypocritical.

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