(Closed) I found something FI had written in a notebook…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

He was probably just bored in class and writing notes to someone sitting next to him. Yeah, it’s kinda crude, but I’d just let it go. I can’t imagine he actually did “bend that redhead over.” And like he said, don’t go through his stuff. 

Post # 3
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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mmmv3338:  Are you both young, early 20s? I ask from his reaction of “DON’T YOU EVER GO THROUGH MY STUFF AGAIN.” <- that is a very immature reaction.

However, if this is a very old note book, then yes, you shouldn’t have brought it up. BUT… I do find it odd that he had this random note in a notebook. I just do not see guys writing thoughts like these out too much and from his outburst I would be concerned he has some issues to work on. Does he have any OCD tendencies or does he usually get angery easily?

Another issue… you two are going to be MARRIED. There are no secrets or privacy that should be needed. You, as his wife, should have access to anything and he, as your husband, should have access to anything. You should each have each others passwords as there should be nothing to hide, in any notebook or anywhere.

Have you two gone to premarital counseling? I think you should both strongly consider this asap.

 

Post # 4
Member
8976 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
mmmv3338:  To me my first thought was the same as PP, he is probably sitting next to one of his bros and they are writing shit in their notebooks to each other, it may not have even been his handwritting, BUT the point is, he shouldn’t be objectifying his classmates like that, OR getting roped into his friends doing that, the most worrying thing was the way he totally overreacted and this is a big red flag to me. His response seemed pretty agressive. I wouldn’t want to marry someone like that. You should be able to go to him with problems and concerns without him blowing up. It made him look very guilty and if that was me, I wouldn’t be very happy at all!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  Mrs_Beer.
Post # 5
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

His response sounds very immature. Was this a pre-wedding freak out or a sign of how he normally behaves? I wouldn’t be happy about finding a note like that either

Post # 6
Member
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Aww! You don’t need to feel so awful about it. It wasn’t a nice thing you came across, and his reaction was uncalled for. I guess he feels guilty. I think it’s something the two of you need to talk about. It’s probably completely harmless, perhaps an unusual thought that he had. It doesn’t mean he wants to do it, or even that he was lusting over someone else. People do have these thoughts, in fact it’s natural to do so, but it’s inappropriate and hurtful to write them down. I believe you need an apology and some reassurance from him, but I can’t say that you’re going to get it. Perhaps you could talk to him? Tell him you understand that it may well be meaningless, but you were hurt reading it and you’d like him not to be so thoughtless in future. Also ask him if there’s anything he would like to tell you, and ask him outright if you need to be worried about anything. Perhaps then he’ll give you the reassurance you need.

I do totally understand how you feel though. Last year my idiot partner did something similar. I was incredibly hurt. But we talked it through, he explained and apologised and I made it clear to him that I appreciate that he’s only human, but I don’t ever want him to take his thoughts that far again. We got through it. We’re okay now!

Post # 7
Member
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly, I would be really freaked out and disturbed if I came across something like that in my FI’s stuff. It is probably harmless, but still not something you ever want to see, and his reaction when you mentioned it was really bad. And I don’t think this is considered snooping since you had to look through that notebook for the addresses…so his furious “DON’T GO THROUGH MY STUFF” seems unwarranted and makes the whole thing even more suspicious.

I would try bringing it up again in a calm moment. Just tell him how you feel, that reading something like that was really upsetting–wouldn’t he feel upset if he read a line in your notebook about wanting to be fucked by some guy in class? If he tries to derail the convo by blaming you for snooping…red flag I think. From the way you presented the story it doesn’t sound like you were snooping so I think it’s unfair of him to get mad about that. Hopefully you two can just have an adult conversation about what he wrote and why he wrote it, and then go from there.

 

Post # 8
Member
4448 posts
Honey bee

Men say very raunchy things to each other all that time that would make your hair curl. It doesn’t mean anything. If he has never done anything to disrespect you or make you think he cheats, apologize for snooping and let it go.

But the exhange and your recounting leads to a bigger question. How old are you two and are you truly ready for marriage?

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  zl27.
Post # 9
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

He sounds young… Is he? First, to write something like that, I didn’t even know that adults did that? It sounds more like a guy in the beginning of his puberty. And then his reaction “never go through my stuff again!”, sounds like something you would yell at your mom. Again, as a teenager. 

And how old is this note book anyway? Could it be that he wrote this long time ago?

Post # 10
Member
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Why’s he so mad if it’s nothing ? 

 

Post # 11
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Yeah, I don’t believe that it was a possibly not his writing. If it was a friend’s, I don’t think he would have gotten nearly as defensive. He certainly could have been writing with a friend in class but it seems clear cut that it was his message.

I would be very disgusted to read it if it had been my Fiance personally and perhaps I’m more uptight than most on the subject. As a PP worded, objectifying that woman is really disturbing on his part and out of line. Not to mention, the emotional cheating he basically is referencing by the statement. You’ve been together a long time and were currently together while it was written. It would be one thing is it was “that girl has a nice butt” but to suggest sexual relations is a whole other red flag especially in the midst of being engaged. His reaction is another major red flag and speaks for his maturity. You weren’t out of line in the way you approached him. You sounded calm and willing to be understanding.

So, I can only say that you both majorly need to communicate on the subject. If he is as hard to communicate with as before then you both have major issues that need resolving before marriage. You may need a counselor to do this and there’s nothing wrong with that. I personally would find this a deal breaker and I would be gone but only you can decide what’s worth it in terms of fight or flight in your relationship. Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn

I guess before i can give an opinion i need to know if this was a notebook hes had for a while or one that he currently uses for school?

Post # 13
Member
2418 posts
Buzzing bee

If you “…didn’t want to start a fight……”, why did you?

Aren’t you BOTH overreacting? 

If you are both seriously questioning the timing of your marriage, and student marriages are notoriously hard, as are marriages that emerge from very young romances, FAR better to stop and rethink now rather than after the legal documents have been signed.

Neither of you are RIGHT or WRONG, but both of you are approaching a mutual concern in an immature and nonprductive way, and both of you will need to actively participate in the solution, or the solution will not be a solution.

 

Post # 14
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
ucsadie:  She said it had to be within the last year but appears to be since last semester’s class based on the class notes in it…assuming I understood correctly. 

Post # 15
Member
15147 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

While the scribbles and comment in the notebook I could easily let go, his reaction I’d have a huge problem with. 

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