Post # 1
Last night Fiance was writing a paper in the living room and I was doing some things in the bedroom. A few days ago his grandma gave him the addresses for her sisters who we initially didn’t invite, but now his grandma wants to send them an invite. I grabbed the notebook he had written the addresses in to go ahead and finish those invitations and couldn’t find where he had written them anywhere. I started flipping through page by page, it was a school notebook so a lot of notes and scribbles. I came across one page with just drawings all over it and then several lines scribbled through at the bottom.
I could tell that one of the lines said “I want to bend that redhead in _____ class over the desk and fuck her.” There are several things around it that are also scribbled through but I can’t make them out.
I really didn’t want to start a fight because Fiance was working on his paper (which is due today so he was stressed), so I thought about it for a second and decided to just casually bring it up. I asked him to come here, and he seemed annoyed because I guess he was in the middle of typing. I calmly told him that I couldn’t find the addresses and then I said “what does this say?” He looked at it for a second and said “What?! I don’t know, what does it say?!” Then he read it and got really defensive and said “This was from…….why are you trying to start a goddamn fight over something scribbled in a notebook!” He stormed out of the room, threw the notebook in the floor and said “DON’T YOU EVER GO THROUGH MY STUFF AGAIN.”
I just closed the bedroom door and went to bed. Cried some and stayed awake most of the night.
Am I overreacting?! That was a really shocking thing to read. Our wedding in is ONE MONTH. Right now I can’t even imagine standing up there with him! It was written recently (at least within the last year, probably last semester) judging by which class he was taking notes for in that notebook. We’ve been engaged for almost 2 years.
I don’t know if he was writing it to someone or if he was just writing down his thoughts for some reason, but I just feel sick after reading it.
Post # 2
He was probably just bored in class and writing notes to someone sitting next to him. Yeah, it’s kinda crude, but I’d just let it go. I can’t imagine he actually did “bend that redhead over.” And like he said, don’t go through his stuff.
Post # 3
Are you both young, early 20s? I ask from his reaction of “DON’T YOU EVER GO THROUGH MY STUFF AGAIN.” <- that is a very immature reaction.
However, if this is a very old note book, then yes, you shouldn’t have brought it up. BUT… I do find it odd that he had this random note in a notebook. I just do not see guys writing thoughts like these out too much and from his outburst I would be concerned he has some issues to work on. Does he have any OCD tendencies or does he usually get angery easily?
Another issue… you two are going to be MARRIED. There are no secrets or privacy that should be needed. You, as his wife, should have access to anything and he, as your husband, should have access to anything. You should each have each others passwords as there should be nothing to hide, in any notebook or anywhere.
Have you two gone to premarital counseling? I think you should both strongly consider this asap.
Post # 4
To me my first thought was the same as PP, he is probably sitting next to one of his bros and they are writing shit in their notebooks to each other, it may not have even been his handwritting, BUT the point is, he shouldn’t be objectifying his classmates like that, OR getting roped into his friends doing that, the most worrying thing was the way he totally overreacted and this is a big red flag to me. His response seemed pretty agressive. I wouldn’t want to marry someone like that. You should be able to go to him with problems and concerns without him blowing up. It made him look very guilty and if that was me, I wouldn’t be very happy at all!
Post # 5
His response sounds very immature. Was this a pre-wedding freak out or a sign of how he normally behaves? I wouldn’t be happy about finding a note like that either
Post # 6
Aww! You don’t need to feel so awful about it. It wasn’t a nice thing you came across, and his reaction was uncalled for. I guess he feels guilty. I think it’s something the two of you need to talk about. It’s probably completely harmless, perhaps an unusual thought that he had. It doesn’t mean he wants to do it, or even that he was lusting over someone else. People do have these thoughts, in fact it’s natural to do so, but it’s inappropriate and hurtful to write them down. I believe you need an apology and some reassurance from him, but I can’t say that you’re going to get it. Perhaps you could talk to him? Tell him you understand that it may well be meaningless, but you were hurt reading it and you’d like him not to be so thoughtless in future. Also ask him if there’s anything he would like to tell you, and ask him outright if you need to be worried about anything. Perhaps then he’ll give you the reassurance you need.
I do totally understand how you feel though. Last year my idiot partner did something similar. I was incredibly hurt. But we talked it through, he explained and apologised and I made it clear to him that I appreciate that he’s only human, but I don’t ever want him to take his thoughts that far again. We got through it. We’re okay now!
Post # 7
Honestly, I would be really freaked out and disturbed if I came across something like that in my FI’s stuff. It is probably harmless, but still not something you ever want to see, and his reaction when you mentioned it was really bad. And I don’t think this is considered snooping since you had to look through that notebook for the addresses…so his furious “DON’T GO THROUGH MY STUFF” seems unwarranted and makes the whole thing even more suspicious.
I would try bringing it up again in a calm moment. Just tell him how you feel, that reading something like that was really upsetting–wouldn’t he feel upset if he read a line in your notebook about wanting to be fucked by some guy in class? If he tries to derail the convo by blaming you for snooping…red flag I think. From the way you presented the story it doesn’t sound like you were snooping so I think it’s unfair of him to get mad about that. Hopefully you two can just have an adult conversation about what he wrote and why he wrote it, and then go from there.
Post # 8
Men say very raunchy things to each other all that time that would make your hair curl. It doesn’t mean anything. If he has never done anything to disrespect you or make you think he cheats, apologize for snooping and let it go.
But the exhange and your recounting leads to a bigger question. How old are you two and are you truly ready for marriage?
Post # 9
He sounds young… Is he? First, to write something like that, I didn’t even know that adults did that? It sounds more like a guy in the beginning of his puberty. And then his reaction “never go through my stuff again!”, sounds like something you would yell at your mom. Again, as a teenager.
And how old is this note book anyway? Could it be that he wrote this long time ago?
Post # 10
Why’s he so mad if it’s nothing ?
Post # 11
Yeah, I don’t believe that it was a possibly not his writing. If it was a friend’s, I don’t think he would have gotten nearly as defensive. He certainly could have been writing with a friend in class but it seems clear cut that it was his message.
I would be very disgusted to read it if it had been my Fiance personally and perhaps I’m more uptight than most on the subject. As a PP worded, objectifying that woman is really disturbing on his part and out of line. Not to mention, the emotional cheating he basically is referencing by the statement. You’ve been together a long time and were currently together while it was written. It would be one thing is it was “that girl has a nice butt” but to suggest sexual relations is a whole other red flag especially in the midst of being engaged. His reaction is another major red flag and speaks for his maturity. You weren’t out of line in the way you approached him. You sounded calm and willing to be understanding.
So, I can only say that you both majorly need to communicate on the subject. If he is as hard to communicate with as before then you both have major issues that need resolving before marriage. You may need a counselor to do this and there’s nothing wrong with that. I personally would find this a deal breaker and I would be gone but only you can decide what’s worth it in terms of fight or flight in your relationship. Good luck.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2016 - Muhlhauser Barn
I guess before i can give an opinion i need to know if this was a notebook hes had for a while or one that he currently uses for school?
Post # 13
If you “…didn’t want to start a fight……”, why did you?
Aren’t you BOTH overreacting?
If you are both seriously questioning the timing of your marriage, and student marriages are notoriously hard, as are marriages that emerge from very young romances, FAR better to stop and rethink now rather than after the legal documents have been signed.
Neither of you are RIGHT or WRONG, but both of you are approaching a mutual concern in an immature and nonprductive way, and both of you will need to actively participate in the solution, or the solution will not be a solution.
Post # 14
She said it had to be within the last year but appears to be since last semester’s class based on the class notes in it…assuming I understood correctly.
Post # 15
While the scribbles and comment in the notebook I could easily let go, his reaction I’d have a huge problem with.