(Closed) I found the ring and feel a bit let down

posted 6 years ago in Rings
Post # 16
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

If I was a guy and was going to propose with a stand in ring, I would make sure to tell her that this is only a placeholder ring BEFORE opening that ring box and putting it on her finger. Nothing says ruining the excitement of getting engaged like having to watch someone fake pretend they like the gift you got them.

sunshinedodo: I would bring up rings casually and see how he reacts… show him a pic of your dream ring and joke around that you’d like at least a ct, just to see how he reacts… if he doesnt squirm than its a sign the ring he got was just a stand in…. or if not then maybe he still has time to trade in the one he got! If its important to you than he shouldnt make you feel bad about not wanting a small ring.

I considered my ering the one and only gift my Fiance ever needed to get me… I told him he was off the hook forever when it comes to xmas, bday and anniversary gifts. I’d rather have 1 big present now instead of lots of little ones over the next 10 years.

 

Post # 17
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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sunshinedodo:  Maybe this is your “proposal ring” and he still wanted to get you something real or nice so that way you can still wear it as a RHR and keep it forever.

I wouldn’t get too worked up over it just yet. The finances are there, so he should be able to get you something you love in addition to this ring. 🙂

Post # 18
Member
705 posts
Busy bee

Like the others say, wait and see, but just in case this is the real ring, you need to decide how you wish to approach it with him. I’d be sad too, tbh, both because it’s nothing like your style, and also because frankly, it is cheap. My partner and I are not well off by any means but when we started ring shopping, he gave an indication of the type of money he was willing to drop on my ring. I was relieved, simply because all of my favourites fell in the upper range of what he was suggesting. I think this could really be an area of contention if two people have ideas that don’t align, 

Post # 19
Member
1617 posts
Bumble bee

Based on all you’ve said, I’m inclined to think this is a “stand in ring,” too, as other PPs have suggested. As in….here is exactly what you didn’t ask for, jokingly. Now let’s go get what you really want!!

Post # 20
Member
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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sunshinedodo:  I do hope is the stand in ring!  Make sure to let us know.  Hope he proposes soon!

Post # 21
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I hope for your benefit it is the stand in ring. we went ring shopping in stores and online and I always looked at and drooled over the halo style and he ended up getting something completely different and i was so upset. I’ve since changed it but still no halo (he apparently is the only one in the world who doesn’t like a halo lol but sad to me). i truly hope you get what you want!!

Post # 22
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Oh and my fiancé is the same “reverse snob”. Haha. I have a 1 carat and we could afford bigger But he does not like anything flashly

Post # 23
Member
806 posts
Busy bee

Are you sure its not a CZ instead of diamond for now? Im so sorry youre feeling this way. Im a perfectionist too and I had my sad feelings about my ring too

If it really is a diamond, then you can go in later and redesign your own perfect ring with him by your side, hopefully he wouldnt mind. Update us! I hope it all goes well xx

 

Post # 24
Member
2235 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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sunshinedodo:  I totally get you on this and would feel the same in your shoes. It’s a complicated thing and you can’t even say it isnt about the money, because money represents an opportunity cost and our time and labour, since it is our time and labour than most of us exchange for money. By investing neither time nor money in something you care about, it naturally raises questions about selfishness. The money aspect is very relative, a £750 ring from a student is as generous as a £40,000 ring from somebody earning £250,000 a year.  

I would never buy a top sports car, I can see that some of them are very beautiful and get that they deliver an amazing driving experience, but for me the price difference between top-end sports and very comfortable, quality saloon or hatchback just isn’t worth it. My husband however has always dreamed of having a Porsche, that is now an affordable dream and I have massively encouraged him to go for it next year because I know how happy it will make him and we will be able to do it without going into debt. 

I really think you need to explain your feelings to your fiancé. He may just be a bit emotionally obtuse and selfishness is an easy vice to slip into. If you can make him see how it feels to you, without it seeming like an attack, he may “get it” and be horrified. His willingness to spend money on his interests is key. 

My ex-husband was mean with money. It wasn’t the biggest of our problems but in hindsight, I think it was a red flag as to his selfishness, – which in his case is monumental. Hopefully your fiancé is just being a bit crap and can be shaken out of it but I wouldn’t let it go without broaching it. 

Post # 25
Member
2133 posts
Buzzing bee

I would calm down and wait until he actually asks. It sounds like this could be your fake ring. He may have wanted to still get you something nicer. I would honestly wait, you can’t do anything about it until he proposes anyway. If that was intended to be your actual ring you can always bring it up after the proposal, that while you love it and the meaning behind it and love that he picked it out himself it isn’t to your taste. 

Post # 26
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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sunshinedodo:  No you’re not being awful. And I’m probably the one who will get flamed for this post.

Let me preface this by saying that if you have been happy with most things about this man and how you two go together as a couple, then you should just suck it up and be honored he spent money to get you a nice traditional diamond which for many brides is the symbol of love.

 

I would figure that he figured he could please you without understanding all of the specifications you have for a ring – and male pride just got in the way of his really listening to you about waiting on the ring. You do know many men do still think the proposal is their job. It doesnt mean he doesn’t love you. He’s a guy. They get like this.

You have a right to feel disappointed but I think he will be hurt if you share this.

Now what DID bother me in your post – but again ignore this if you are truly happy with him – is the comments you made about his relationship to money. I wouldn’t like it if my SO had that much wealth but we had to live as if just on my income. Using coupons and being frugal is great – seriously I am impressed with a guy having good sense – but why is he buying himself expensive musical instruments and art but expecting you to have groceries from the reduced aisle. This would not fly with me but again if you are happy, only you can decide if this financial behavior needs to be renegotiated before accepting a proposal no matter what the ring.

Post # 27
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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sunshinedodo:  I just keep thinking about your update. You’re right about not being able to do anything until he proposes – what would you do? “Honey, I’ve been nosing through your sock draw and I hope that ring is some sort of joke!”. That would never do and would make you seem materialistic, which clearly he doesn’t like. Anyway, the part that bothers me is your paragraph about the differences in your finances. Your SO can of course spend his money on whatever he wishes, if this means your ring costs a few hundred then so be it. But – and this is the crux of my thinking – if he is somehow holding the finances over you knowing that you’re not terribly well off and is making out that you’re shallow because you like nice/new things then that is unfair. This may just manifest from your own feelings of inadequacy or he may actually be behaving like a bit of a k#*b, I’m not sure. Only you know how things really are. The ring appears to be bringing up thoughts and feelings for you that go beyond something pretty to wear on your finger. All I’d say is I’ve been in that position with my DH years ago when we were living together and boy did I feel like a second class citizen. Money wouldn’t come up often but as he made more than me when it did come up it felt like my opinion didn’t count. Situations where it was like x,y,z isn’t actually half and half because I earn more than you and therefore you don’t really get a say. For me I was conscious of this constantly. It came to a point where we discussed it as I couldn’t put up with it anymore. He realised he was being silly and shouldn’t be keeping a tally with someone with whom he intended to spend the rest of his life. Money isn’t an issue between us anymore and it’s such a relief! A weight was lifted for the both of us. My DH doesn’t spend much on himself (never has) and he’d rather spend it on me first. I have to make him clothes shop in bulk just so I know he buys what he needs! If any of this stuff bothers you then it would be worth talking to your SO about it. Are you happy to marry if these feelings of inadequacy continue? Finances are the one thing I’ve seen cause the most strife with married couples and I just don’t think it’s worth it. If you marry, why would your finances not come from the same pot? Everyone is different of course but a partnership should be equal, irrespective of who earns more. If you were the higher earner, would you hold the purse strings as you feel your SO does? I know I wouldn’t lord it over my husband. Sorry, I’ve rambled and I hope this hasn’t offended you. I really have no intention of upsetting you! Maybe I’m far off the point because it’s 3am and I should be asleep!! But if you were my friend IRL then I would owe it to you to be honest, in truth I’m just feeling a bit protective of you. It’s not very British to talk about money so maybe that goes for your SO. Be sure to update us when he proposes, Sunshine. I sincerely hope this ring isn’t a test and that he’s a genuine man who loves you dearly! X

Post # 28
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

View original reply
sunshinedodo:  That could be your stand in ring.

My Dad never formally proposed to my Mom, but when he wanted to express he was super serious about her, he got her a little ruby ring (not her taste, but his). She wore it until she got her proper ‘ering’ several months later when they made their engagement official.

Also, when my future SIL and Brother-In-Law got engaged, he proposed to her with a ring that cost about $150. He wanted her to have something nice to show off until she could pick out her ‘proper’ ering a month or two later. 

Neither of these situations may fully apply to you…but there are a million reasons why that ring is the way it is.

 

Post # 29
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee

I got confused when you said he should know you appreciate fine jewelry… after you just said the ring would look so awful next to all your costume jewelry…. ok, I’m imagining that tiny 0.15ct diamond next to clunky trendy costume jewelry and yes it would look awful! lol but if that costume jewelry is all he sees you wear, then I see how he didn’t think you cared about having $$$ jewelry. He probably thinks you don’t care about price, it’s the thought that counts. [LOL what am I saying here? this is ridiculous, of course he was being a cheap thoughtless bastard! he went shopping 1 hour and came back with that crap, I’d dump him! 0.15ct looks like a Walmart promise ring on my size4 finger so I can just imagine on a bigger finger 🙁 girl, I’m sorry]

PS- I do not believe it is a stand in ring and do not convince yourself it is or you stand the chance of a HUGE let-down if I’m right.

Post # 30
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee

Another idea: since you have talked about marriage, and do not know when he’s planning on proposing, why not ask him (seemingly randomly but not really) to go look at rings at a ring store? This is exactly what I did with my fiance.  Say “I just want to make sure you know my style, babe, because I will have this ring for the rest of my life!”  

When you go looking together, he’ll get an idea pretty quickly of what you want and expect!

Also, how do you know it’s 0.15 ct??  Did you see paperwork?

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