(Closed) I gave him back the cross necklace

posted 7 years ago in Secular
  • poll: Should I reconsider my relationship with him? Why?




  • Post # 17
    229 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    Hmmm… I’m a pretty big old athiest… And I know if one of my loved ones were going through a difficult time I would throw out some positive thoughts to the universe… even just thinking “Gee I really hope Bob pulls through this” etc… I really think that your SO praying for you is just like that, and I even find it a bit rough that you’ve asked him not to pray for you. 

    I really don’t want to sound mean, but I feel bad for the fact that he’s being asked to restrict his belief system in certain areas of his life. I imagine you wouldn’t like someone forcing their beliefs on you, and now you’ve just told him not to do something so that it complies with your beliefs. :/

    Post # 18
    5217 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    @bluegreenjean:  I don’t see anyone harping on her, and it doesn’t sound like a resolution was really reached. He reached out in an effort to comfort himself ( and her), and she responded by refusing the gift and “gifting” him with a book about her beliefs– which is essentially the same thing she was uncomfortable with him doing.

    I stand by my original point, which is that I would consider evaluting the relationship, because it is inevitable that these things will come up again. I would imagine him being pretty hurt, and no amount of being extra nice for a week would make up for the fact that we do not fundamentally agree on an important issue. The fact that it took him 2 months to even give it to her speaks volumes about the significance he placed on it,

    Post # 19
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    Ouch… this is painful. I second PPs though… I don’t think you were right to ask him not to pray for you. I don’t think he should have told you what he prays for either… that’s between him and the big guy upstairs… but prayer is very personal and I’m not sure that was the right thing to do.

    Your friends are being very foolish though. I really don’t think there was any ill intent here on his part. I kinda feel for the guy… he made an error of judgement, but I think he did it with the best of intentions.

    Post # 20
    1093 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I wanted to reply in the other thread but by the time i finished writing it, it was closed.

    I was going to say that I’m an athiest but I would have kept it.  A symbol is what you make of it.  Instead of thinking of it as a symbol of Christ, you could have thought of it as a symbol of your hunny’s love and thoughts for you. Is this helpful now? Nope, and I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this difficult experience.

    I also have to agree with the other bee’s who’ve said that asking him not to pray for you is just the same as him asking you to pray.  Does him praying for you hurt you in any way? Nope.  Does it make him feel better? Yes. So where’s the harm?

    When someone near to me is hurt or in need, i throw out my positive thinking and good will to the universe, is it any differrent? Not really. 

    You seem to have a really level head on your shoulders, esp when it comes to your kids and letting them choose. It sounds like you want to make this work. Part of that is comprimise and accepting your husbands belief system, the way you’re asking him to accept yours. 

    Post # 21
    582 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    This post got me wondering if the OP had a negative experience with religion of some sort in the past?  I understand feeling uncomfortable with the cross as a gift and not accepting it, but telling someone (especially your significant other) not to pray…that seems like a reaction that is out of proportion to the actual situation at hand.  I agree with PP that this issue will come up in some way in the future and is worth exploring more together before you get married…

    Post # 22
    3460 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    View original reply
    @Asia:  “In the same way that he has no right asking you to pray for him, you have no right to ask him not to pray for you.”

    +1. I’m disappointed (but not surprised) with how this turned out

    Post # 23
    1006 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I didn’t read your other post but I feel a little bad for him.  You don’t have to keep the necklace (I’m agnostic and I would feel a little weird having a cross- although if it made him feel better I would consider it to spare his feelings and offer some peace of mind) but I don’t think it’s within your rights to ask him not to pray for you.  That would be just like him asking you to pray- you wouldn’t be comfortable with that, right?  In that circumstance he would be asking you to alter your beliefs for him, just like you’re doing to him right now. 

    Post # 24
    1090 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    @Mrs_Amanda:  +1

    View original reply
    @Artificial-Sweetener:  +1

    I agree with PPs that say that you should really evaluate your relationship. I think you were way out of line with telling him not to pray for you. I am agnostic and when someone says that they will pray for me, I say thank you and move on.

    Post # 25
    9941 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @EmilyInIdaho:  ((HUGS))  I’m glad you came to at least somewhat of a resolution and talked about it.  Keep talking to him about it.  If you’re going to be married it’s crucial to keep talking about your spiritual beliefs (and non-beliefs) to each other.  As long as both of you are kind and respectful it can work, my husband and I make it work and we have very different beliefs.

    Also, my son’s girlfriend is a Hindu (he is Christian) and she gave him a ring engraved with The Lord’s Prayer, which touched his heart so much.  She does not share his beliefs but she loves and respects him. 

    It sounds like your Fiance only wanted to bless you with the gift.  I also understand why you returned it, although it was difficult for you.  It wasn’t wrong to return it, though! 

    As far as prayer – you may want to do some studying on it even if you don’t believe in it.  Prayer is interesting and has been proven scientifically to be effective even for non-believers, strangely enough. 

    But – as someone who is Christian and also practices some things Wiccan, I would never, ever “pray” for someone, in the Wiccan way, without the person’s permission, out of respect.  

    Maybe you could let your Fiance pray for you sometimes, but ask him to ask your permission, if and when you ever may feel the need for him to pray for you.  Respect goes both ways.

    Post # 26
    9948 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Like another Bee said…

    This post makes me very very sad.


    When I read the previous topic last night, it was pretty clear to me that a lot of Bees (like I) saw his giving you a cross a fairly non-consequential thing… he wasn’t asking you to convert, or even making any mention of religion.  You at the time mentioned he was Catholic, but not overly religious.

    Most Bees felt he was giving you the Cross as a sign of his caring for you, and in hopes that there would be protection for you when he wasn’t around…

    Now in this post, you reveal to us that you have had a scare about breast cancer (thank goodness it was only a cyst), and have told us that that was when he purchased the necklace.

    I am sad to read that you cannot see, that HIS FAITH is important to him… enough so that he has obviously been praying for your good health

    And in many ways it probably what is what he feels CARRIED HIM thru such a difficult time.

    Returning the cross… as a symbol of all that … and asking him not to pray for you seems a bit much to me.

    Maybe even offensive.

    Religion is a personal thing… I truly don’t think you have any right to tell him not to pray for your well-being… it is WHAT HE NEEDS in his walk thru life… and has nothing to do with you

    I think that between saying that… and returning the cross… keeping it would be a sign of good faith (<— ironic word) between the 2 of you… that you can accept him for who he is even if you don’t embrace his beliefs

    Honestly… I have to agree with the wisdom professed by the other Bees…

    View original reply
    @Mrs_Amanda:  and 
    View original reply
    @Asia:  clearly you guys are not on the SAME PAGE when it comes to understanding each other’s belief systems and most importantly HOW YOU ARE GOING TO DEAL WITH THEM THRU LIFE… AND WHAT LIFE THROWS AT YOU BOTH


    And one of the things that Couples NEED TO ADDRESS UPFRONT and early on…

    I have to agree with others…

    It would have been appropriate to accept and keep the necklace as a symbol of the LOVE he has for you and the LOVE he has for his God (as others have said… its just a symbol… same as a peace symbol would have been as a pendant on a chain)

    By giving it back to him… I imagine he is hurt.  Very hurt.

    Then you ask him not to pray for you… waaaay too personal.  I think that oversteps your boundaries where your relationship begins and ends… and HIS LIFE as an individual begins.

    And lastly, you go and give him a book to explain your Beliefs.  Pretty in your face if you ask me.

    He didn’t do that to you.  If I was him, that would be a very offensive…

    “You’ve upset me sooo much with your gesture… that I am giving you back the gift, AND I am going to clearly tell you / educate you… on WHY you don’t seem to understand me and my belief system.  You clearly aren’t getting it, or me”

    Ironically… you aren’t getting him either.

    Again, so sad.

    In all honesty, I don’t see things working out well for the two of you.

    IF I was him I’d be offended, and re-evaluating what it would mean in MY WORLD to be married to you…

    Let alone raising kids with you.

    I see this recent situation, as just the tip of a HUGE iceberg… with much of the impasse still to come unseen and lurking beneath the still waters.

    You guys need to talk… and I think that things do not bode well for the future.

    But then again, as I’ve learned thru life’s hard lessons…

    Being IN LOVE… is sometimes NOT ENOUGH.

    The commitment of Marriage to a Life Long Partner, takes sooo much more than just LOVE

    You really need to be on the same page in soooo many other ways as well.


    I find this a truly sad thing for both of you… as it is never an easy realization to come to… that the one you love (and they love you) may not be the right person for you.

    — — —

    PS… For the record.  I am not an overly religious person myself (incase someone thinks that).  My reaction here is purely based on the fact that I believe that 2 people wishing to marry need to be on the same page about important matters… and FAITH (however one wishes to define that for themselves) is one of those key elements.


    Post # 27
    157 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    @Mrs_Amanda:  +25465413645865

    Post # 28
    3765 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I also have a problem with you telling him not to pray for you. You don’t have the right to tell him how he should practice his faith, just like he has no right to tell you to pray.


    Post # 29
    2902 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I’m in no way religious but when times are tough or something bad is happening I ‘pray’ for my loved ones. It makes me feel better and gives me comfort, sort of like a wish that has more weight. Him praying for you is a personal thing he should be able to silently do for his own self comfort. What happens when you have kids? Is he allowed to pray for them? 

    Post # 30
    2571 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    View original reply
    @Mrs_Amanda:  +1000

    From the snippets I’ve seen, this is a breeding ground for resentment down the road. Please think about this relationship, OP.

    The topic ‘I gave him back the cross necklace’ is closed to new replies.

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