Post # 16
Only family that could be an option is a sibling who I don’t get along with and I reaaally don’t want to fill her in on all of this drama. I would rather handle it privately.
I have a close friend but she lives with her mom (she’s going through a divorce) so I don’t think I can ask her.
I guess I will just sleep in the other room and attempt to give myself space until I figure out this mess.
Post # 17
Hang in there, Bee. Breathe. Do you for a bit. Apologize to him that you blindsided him at a low time, but, for him to please be patient as you regroup. Hopefully he’ll understand.
I’ve got a close relative whose birthday cards to his kids get turned over to the lawyer as opposed to being handed to the kid, and then the lawyer bills him for the correspondence despite the fact that they never actually read the kid the birthday greetings. It is exhausting and enfuriating and I just can’t even wrap my head around the pile of crap that that is.
Hang in there.
Post # 18
It does just feel easier to call it quits (not that it will be EASY… we are locked into a lease neither of us can afford alone, etc.)
I feel like I am under constant investigation in my own home. His daughter is little so she doesn’t realize mommy is manipulating her. His ex is a miserable lunatic, who has said to his face that she will destroy his life.
It is making me not want to even be around his child. I KNOW it is not her fault, I KNOW she is innocent in this, I am just being honest.
I know he is stressed but I feel like since I am sacrificing so much for him (my free time, money, sanity) maybe, just maybe he could try to be intimate/affectionate toward me, maybe set aside one day a week to make a plan for us (even if it is just a walk at the park or something free). I am starting to feel like he expects things from me, which is bullshit, this is not my child, this is not my drama. If he doesn’t make time to make me feel relevant, why am I fretting over his issues all day every day? Is is self torture.
We did, maybe 6 months back, love eachother and laugh together and have big dreams… but since all of these court dates (about 10 court dates in 6 months, plus weekly lawyer meetings, motion filings, etc) I have been miserable. We can’t even consider an engagement party or wedding planning because we are thousands of dollars in the hole (on top of student loans and other debts.)
I know I am ranting. I just don’t want to tell people close to me about this because I am embarassed. I was so excited to be engaged and now it has all gone to shit.
All of the kind words from you bees is appreciated. I feel like you are my friends. xo
Post # 19
Oh, Bee. The crap keeps piling on here. I hope you can find some way to get some time and space for yourself–watch the boats at a park for an hour, read at the library, even volunteer at a food bank. Anything that allows you to check out of all this mess for a little while each day.
Do you have any sense of when the court drama will be concluded?
Post # 20
Did the ex step up all this manipulation and legal fighting since you got engaged? If she has escalated since then can that be used as grounds for unreasonable behaviour by his lawyer and maybe get some of this thrown out? The situations sounds untenable to be honest, she’s using his own money to wreak his life! And the poor kid is caught in the middle.
More importantly, you’re being consumed by it all too, which I’m sure is what the ex wants. I’d ask your friend if you can stay with her for a night or two, explain what’s happening and I would hope her mum would want to help too. It can be very difficult to see how to move forward when you’re still inside the problem.
Post # 21
Besides the fact that you didn’t handle that well, if it were me, I’d leave. Do you want the rest of your life to look like this? Because she’s not going anywhere. No matter how much I love someone, I love myself more, and would not put myself through that, especially when your relationship is dwindling as well. Hardships either bring a couple together, or it tears them apart. It looks like yours is the later.
Post # 22
Our therapist told me, court wise, realistically, in a “year or two” things should settle down.
Post # 23
Even under the best of circumstances being a stepmom is hard! This sounds like a really shitty situation with no end in sight. I say run for hills and find a man with fewer complications (in your case… No kids or at least no kids with a crazy mom). You’ll be happier and not so stressed out all the time.
Post # 24
A relationship should add to you…should essentially make you better. Not saying that the baby mama drama is his fault but you have to look out for you. I have kids and the ex and I are completely cordial. It’s very possible. But if I were living in drama filled hell, I would not bring a man into my life because it wont be fair to him.
If I were you, I would not go back.
Post # 25
A year or two?!! Does your therapist mean the personal drama or the actual court decision? What does the lawyer say? Most courts want to conclude child support, custody, and visitation issues within a “reasonable” period of time.
If the ex has been getting your FI’s tax refunds he must have a history of delinquent child support–they can’t just take money above and beyond what he’s been ordered to pay.
From your previous posts it sounds as if the ex had been pretty successful at getting what she wanted from him and that he rarely stood up to her before you came along. Has she escalated since you became engaged? Is the current court drama all a result of his desire to reduce child support or is she pushing other issues?
(Wondering if the attorney fees and emotional distress may ultimately cost more than a reduction in child support saves.)
Post # 26
He does owe arrears which is why his tax return will go to her. He was making “back door deals” with her (as his lawyer calls it) before they took it to court, so any cash he paid her counted for nothing. She started ramping up the crazy when we got engaged, for sure. We hit hard times financially and he wanted to reduce the CS, the lawyer said it was do-able since he was paying a bit more than necessary. The ex didn’t like that. She is all about the money. If she had it her way, he would never see his daughter and she would just get her weekly checks. Since the reduction in CS hearing, there have been a series of other objections from her, along with times she rips the kid from him or pulls a no show and is in contempt. Mix that in with lawyers fees, loss of wages from court appearances and general bullshit from this woman on a regular basis and it is a recipe for misery.
The therapist suggested a couple of years as the time it will take for the court stuff to wind down, us to make a dent in the bills and the ex to realize she is running out of ammunition.
Post # 27
Well, I can’t blame you. It has been bad enough with just the one stepchild in my situation. Every time a man dumps the ex-wife she gets on this tangent about getting more from DH because she can’t live on her own without more support from him (she lives at home with her parents and changes job like the wind changes direction). When he bought a gun for hunting and stepdaughter was curious about it (so he taught her some rudimentary gun safety…we have a gun safe and don’t even have any ammo at present)–we were threatened with court, even though DH had guns when he was married previously and when stepdaughter was born. Ex throws out the lunches we make if she gets her hands on them (i.e. we drop stepdaughter off before school/daycare at the ex’s in the morning)–but then complains she can’t always be buying lunch materials–and threatens court. All parenting moves on our end lead to court, in other words.
So believe me, I get it. FWIW, I think you are making the right decision for you. You don’t have any kids and don’t have the same “baggage.” It’s hard to relate to the whole kid thing when you’re child free as it is and I commend you for trying to do so. The court thing is awful. You must be living your days walking on eggshells. From my experience (and other family members), it does die down but at what cost? My own stepsiblings never had a relationship with my mom because of the damage my stepfather’s ex did with all the court stuff and bad mouthing. Now that my mom is gone and I’ve connected with my stepsibilings, they regret not knowing her better.
It gets so convoluted. I think maybe, as pp’s have said, take a step back. Start saving your own money to get out on your own. This is something your Fiance has to solve if he wants to have a life with you–a good one.
Post # 28
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, bee. I think the engagement period is there for a reason, so we have time to evaluate our relationships and make sure we’re ready for marriage. A lot of relationships end during that period, and it’s okay if yours does, too. This is a lot to sign up for, and I certainly wouldn’t judge you for walking away. The ex stuff is one thing, but it sounds like your Fiance is not making you a priority.
Post # 29
I’m very very sorry that you’re going through this. It’s not fair to you having to deal with your SO’s ex and the child . unfortunately the drama and negativity won’t stop until the child grows up and finishes college. Guaranteed. My only advice is to take a step back, and reevaluate your relationship. Do you want to live like this for the next 20 years? If you are ok with that then stay. If not then you need to separate. But one thing for sure: the abuse won’t stop anytime in the foreseeable future. I’m sorry, bee, this is really hard.
Post # 30
Do you have any coworkers with a spare bedroom? Or room on their couch? Sounds like you need to take a step back and remember what life is like without babymamadrama. I’d even suggest a shelter, if there’s no where else to go? Getting violent is never the answer, so I think you need to take some time by yourself.