(Closed) I gave him back the e-ring

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
7482 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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lolita1027:  Your Fiance, his child, his ex, and the resulting drama are all part of one package. Only you can decide if the pros outweigh the cons and if this is the life you want for yourself, ie if you want to marry this package.

When I was in my 20s I dated a man with two children and an ex-wife. I wasn’t ready or willing to take that on and the relationship didn’t last long. Even now, decades later, as a divorced single mother with my own complicated package (I hate the term baggage) in a relationship with a wonderful man who has an ex and children of his own I have sometimes wondered if it’s worth it–my ex hates my SO, his ex has never even met me yet spews all sorts of nasty lies about me, etc., etc. 

Can you envision a happy future together? Only you can decide what’s best for you. Hugs. 

Post # 32
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

I would leave. Having a crazy ex and having a child are both difficult things to deal with, but having a massive amount of child support is a deal breaker for me. The court system has always been rigged towards women, which seems great if you’re the one receiving the support, but once you’re on the side being taken from unfairly you’ll see how bogus it is. 

If you can’t handle the stress of being in that situation, then it’s time to leave. Good luck!

Post # 33
Member
7482 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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ElephantAndTheFlea:  Please tell me where I can move where the child support system is rigged toward women! I receive no spousal support because I was often the sole breadwinner, sometimes working a second job, every time my ex got fired for deciding he didn’t want to go to work when he was supposed to, or didn’t like the project he’d been assigned. Now my ex earns many times what I earn (partially bc of changes in my career possibilities resulting from his refusal to handle ANY day-to-day responsibilities for our children) and yet based upon our state’s CS formula pays approx. 28% of his monthly income toward child support for children who live full-time with me–while 100% of my income is used to support the family. It takes forever for the court to step in to enforce nonpayment while the kids do without. I can’t remember the last time I was able to buy a new pair of shoes, a coat, much of anything for myself, while he’s purchased a new car, a fancy TV, etc. 

Post # 34
Member
11392 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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ElephantAndTheFlea:  what? What are basing this on? Also, it’s not the woman receiving the support, it’s the child. I have several work friends who get NOTHING in child support. Not a dime. Because even though the fathers work,they petition to lower it or just stop paying it. 

It will be years before either of them gets a penny of the arrears owed. Meanwhile they are raising their ex’s child as best they can.

Post # 35
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

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lolita1027:  I remember that in your previous posts you said that you were the one financially supporting your fiance and his kid and basically acting as parent to them both, too. That’s a lot to ask from someone, and it’s a lot to give to a man that you barely get along with and have no actual obligations to. Don’t be embarrassed. Walking away from a messy engagement is a lot less complicated than walking away from a dysfunctional marriage–with a kid in the mix to boot. 

Think of yourself in five years, ten years, what do you want for that woman? Do you want her trapped by thousands of dollars in debt brought on by legal fees that were never her responsibility to begin with? Stuck in an apartment with a man who sees her as an annoying roommate/babysitter and backup bank account? Do you want her living off cup-o-noodles?

Please don’t throw yourself away on a relationship that by all accounts has been dead for months. You can’t cover up the stench anymore, get out of that hellscape and take the steps to move on with your life. “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”

Post # 37
Member
7482 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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lolita1027:  Can you take a couple of personal or vacation days off work this week, for your own well-being? Sleep on your friend’s mother’s couch? You need some space, you have to take care of yourself. 

Post # 38
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

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lolita1027:  Your only obligation is to take care of yourself. 

Post # 39
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

You need to do alot of soul searching. This is a very high intensity high emotional situation for everyone involved. Your therapist is being nice, it will take 1-2 years to settle down? Lets rephrase this, until that kid turns 18 years old, that ex will still be in your life like a dark cloud hovering, you just don’t know when it will rain or pour.  Plus, by the time that kid turns 18 years old, who’s going to support their college fund? 
What are you limits with this? How much further can things escalate before it becomes too much? How much more time, money and effort are you willing to give until you say enough is enough. You don’t have to answer any of these questions on this forum.
Your emotions are valid. You are not wrong to feel these emotions. However, you need to make a game plan with or without your man, if you want to be together and make this work.  
Whatever happens, the first thing I would do is make sure I have my own bank account with only my name, and make sure all all checks and any source of income go directly into that bank account.  Then I would sit down and discuss a budget that includes the amount of money you both are willing to give toward his child.  I would also discuss the expectations and schedule of the child visiting that works for both of you. 
Your situation reminds me of the sunk cost fallacy. You’ve invested too much time, effort and finances into this relationship and him. However, take the time to find happiness in your life. It’s never too late to be happy, and happiness can include being with him and his package deal, or happiness can be you released of this obligation and having a different life story. Stay strong bee. All the best.

Post # 40
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry bee. My Fiance has a son, who’s been with him FT for the past 8?yrs or so. Before that the ex would constantly be taking him for child support. He always paid it but she kept asking for more and the judge always said ok. When the son decided he wanted to live w. his father full time, the child support stopped. She said to him, thanks for giving me notice this was happening, now I can’t afford to get my nails done and I can’t have a househelper anymore!!! 

Honestly, if I had to put up w/ years of that BS, I wouldn’t have stayed w/ my Fiance. You have a tough decision to make. ;( 

Post # 42
Member
39 posts
Newbee

Is there anything in your lease about breaking it early. My last 2 leases I broke early for different reasons and was not required to pay anything for breaking the lease. I only got one security deposit back though. You may want to look into that. Some states also have a law that if someone moves into your apartment they cant charge you and that person so you may only have to cover half the rent until they found someone for your house. 

 

I don’t really have any other suggestions, but I do feel you have to look out for yourself. You are not being selfish by paying your bills and setting money aside. In the long run if you do not end up together you won’t be in a bind when it comes to finding a new place even if all you can save if 20 dollars a week it’s better than nothong! But I dnt think it’s selfish to take care of your own needs. 

 

 

Post # 43
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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lolita1027:    I know you said you don’t have a place to go, I’d consider walking away from that relationship.  Not to be cold, but there’s just way too much baggage there and it’s not fair for you.  Also, what if you were to have your own kids? Your husband is already giving away half his money… what’s left for your own. Financial issues ruin a lot of marriages.  

You’ll start resenting him and it’s just not fun for either party. Save yourself the trouble.  

Post # 44
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry that you’re going through all this bee. It sounds incredibly stressful.  I love my DH and his 2 daughters with all my heart but I know if their mother was miserable and vindictive I would’ve had to leave. I doubt we’d even have made it long enough to get engaged. Lucky for me she’s very reasonable and nice. Despite that it’s still hard. Don’t feel bad or guilty about how you feel or if you leave. Right now your SO is unable to fill his role as a partner to you because his role as a father is all consuming. Maybe that will change but right now he’s not your partner. It’s understandable that you would leave. You have to take care of you, because no one else is going to do it. 

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