(Closed) I gave my guy a timeline and……

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Did you give your SO a timeline, and was it needed?

    I gave SO a timeline, but he already was planning so it was pointless

    I gave SO a timeline and it really got him to do what was needed

    I didn't give SO a timeline and it worked out fine

    other please comment below

  • Post # 17
    Member
    3968 posts
    Honey bee

    I had two unspoken timelines… the first was the one I expected a proposal by… and the second was a – are you kidding me, I’m outta here timeline.  I can’t remember if DH knew about the first one or not – he definitely didn’t know about the 2nd one – although, he recently asked me if I had a drop-dead, I’m over it timeline.

    We had a discussion between the 1st and 2nd timeline – it was more about what his intentions with the relationship were vs. being able to buy me the ring he wanted.  

    What I learned from that experience was it wasn’t right for me to compare our relationship with other friends (that were getting married but hadn’t dated very long) and that my situation with him was unique to us.

    Fortunately, he figured out how to pull it off and proposed 5 months shy of that ‘drop dead’ deadline… although, in retrospect, I’m not sure I would have gone through with a breakup… my issue was being concerned that he didn’t really want to marry me – all the while, he was trying to get his finances in order so it wouldn’t burden us in the long-run.

    Post # 18
    Member
    186 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    My husband knew how long I would wait for a proposal, and that after our relationship would be over.  Before that we talked about whether he wanted to get married, and to me in particular, so it’s not like any of this came as a surprise.  It was what I felt was reasonable, given our relationship and what I want out of life (family, etc).  That was my choice.  Proposing (or not, as the case may have been) was his choice.  There was no demanding, and he wasn’t forced into anything he didn’t want to do.  But given the glacial pace that he gets around to things, we’d probably be getting engaged in a couple years if I left him to his devices.

    Post # 19
    Member
    142 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I had a mental timeline that Fiance was not aware of – if he didn’t propose during our vacation this summer I was willing to wait until New Years Day. If he hadn’t proposed by then I would have moved out with all possible haste. He says he was planning to propose this December but decided to propose while we were on vacation once he realized that A) waiting was causing me considerable emotional pain, B) I didn’t need or want a big, fancy ring but I did need the symbol and C) I was (am) totally fine with “upgrading” my ring later – or not!

    Post # 20
    Member
    1373 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Other – we didn’t have a proposal.  We actually had a couple of ideas early on about when we’d get engaged and those passed and we didn’t (though we found out we were moving to California, so that took precedence).  After we moved and he started grad school, we decided together after his third year.  At a certain point he brought up whether or not I actually wanted a proposal, which I didn’t.  After that, we were only waiting to make it official / tell other people our plan.

    What was funny was friends asking about it, and in particular one friend of his teasing me, trying to make me believe he was about to propose when I already knew he wouldn’t.

    Post # 21
    Member
    107 posts
    Blushing bee

    I asked him for a timeline for my own sanity, for some assurance that I wouldn’t be his ‘girlfriend’ forever. By the time I asked, he was already planning on it.

    Post # 22
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee

    @crayfish:

    I so agree.  I know I should not even read these as they ALWAYS annoy me, but its like a car wreck and I can’t help but look, lol.  I just can’t understand the ‘I love you so much that I want to spend eternity with you but it must be by Feb. 5, 2011 or else I don’t love you as much as I thought and can just leave and find someone else to love so much that I want to spend eternity with them but only on my terms’ conversation.  I don’t get the desperation to have a piece of jewelry and a piece of paper.  If you are together than the commitment is already there – marriage should be a mutual decision made when BOTH parties are ready- not the finish line of a relationship. 

    If you are forcing someone to ‘want’ to marry you I think you really run the risk of having someone propose that would rather not hear constant complaining than actually ‘wants’ to marry you.  I just think its something to really think about and also – if you would leave this person because they may not be moving along as fast as you in that department well, is that really someone that you are going to stand side by side with through better or worse?

    Post # 24
    Member
    50 posts
    Worker bee

    no timeline here and we’ve been together for more than 10 years. however, things are really good right now. we spend tons of time together, miss each other when the other is away and generally enjoy each other. i have my ups and downs but i don’t think i’ll be giving a timeline. if he doesn’t propose by the new year i may ask him to talk about our general plans again since we had talked late this summer about getting married next fall. overall, i’m just trying to be calm and to focus on my motto ‘never do anything without enthusiastic agreement from your partner.’ don’t get me wrong, i definitely make my own decisions. however on big things like marriage, babies, houses, etc. i want agreement from my partner.

    Post # 24
    Member
    150 posts
    Blushing bee

    @divergirl: Same here… I had a nice little talk with J about everything, and HE gave ME the timeline (with no prompting from me), saying: “I will probably have half of my credit line paid down by March. But for what WE want, it’s do-able by January.” Those were his exact words. And he has said it another time after that.

    My personal timeline was up a LONG time ago. However, like you, I truely believe that he would have taken his sweet a$$ time if I did not talk to him about how important it is. Um… I’m 30 years old and my cut-off age for children is 35 (I know it’s possible after 35, but it’s a personal choice), and the females in my family have a hard time getting pregnant (took my mother 5 years for her first). I don’t want to put it off too much longer.

    GVD

    Post # 25
    Member
    885 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    I’m not sure this counts as a timeline. We had already agreed that we’d get married in the summer of 2010 long before he proposed. There was one point when I gently asked him something like “Just so we’re clear, you do know that it takes about a year to plan a wedding?” Beyond that, I didn’t say a word. I wanted it to be a total surprise, and he did a spectacular job. No procrastinating at all; he asked me in May 2009, giving us a luxurious 14 months to plan for our July 2010 wedding. For him, it wasn’t even about the engagement period and planning, of course – he told me he wanted to let the world know we’d be spending the rest of our lives together before I moved across the country to be with him. (That happened in June 2009). I was thinking pragmatically while he was swept up in romance! 🙂

    Post # 26
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee

    @divergirl:

    Hi!  Thanks for being sweet about disagreeing.  I always get scared when I know I’ll be in the minority so I try to make light in my postsSmile.

    ITA.  No, there is nothing wrong AT ALL with having a discussion together and figuring out where you both are in your wants and needs.  That is reasonable and like I had said, a mutual decision.

    I was talking more about the ladies that said they told him x date or they were moving out, breaking up, leaving, finding someone else to marry or whatnot.  I don’t find that ‘you better do it or else’ type of strongarming to be healthy or a good start to a committed relationship.  That’s the thing that makes me bonkers. Marriage, as one poster put it so nicely above, is one of those decisions that both people should actually want.

    Post # 27
    Member
    1074 posts
    Bumble bee

    I didn’t give him a timeline, per se, I asked him when he saw us getting married. Spring, we both agreed on. What year? That was up to him. I said, “do you think Spring 2012 or Spring 2013?” We both knew it would be one of those two years based off of previous conversations where we agreed “once you’re done with school.” He said, “Spring 2012, for sure.” I told him, Okay. I’ll start preliminary planning. But we should be officially engaged within 18 months of the date so our guests have time and are aware that they’ll need to travel to the Caribbean.” He propose 2.5 months later. So, it’s not like I gave him a timeline/ultimatium of when we HAD to be engaged, simply a guideline of “if you really want to do Spring 2012, we need to make it official before 2011.”

    Post # 28
    Member
    150 posts
    Blushing bee

    @divergirl: Sorry, for posting again, but I agree with you on this TOTALLY. You SHOULD talk to your S.O. about your needs. If he can’t or doesn’t want to get married or have children then you have a right to know so that you can move on to someone who wants the same things as you do. Why waste your whole life wondering if a guy will ever commit? Put your foot down, tell him what you want. If he agree;s, great! If not, move on. Sure, you love him and you want to spend forever with him. But why spend forever with someone if they don’t want the same things as you? You’ll be unhappy for the rest of your life.

    Therefore, I think, that a timeline (or asking for a timeline) is reasonable. It is not an ultimatum. An ultimatum is: “If you don’t do *this* by xxxx date, I’m leaving.” THAT’S an ultimatum, and possibly a threat! By asking for a timeline, you’re simply planning.

    My S.O. has told me in the past that if I never pushed him to save money, etc., he wouldn’t have been able to pay off his debts, and he THANKED me for that. He also thanked me for pushing him to get a better job in town (rather than traveling all over the world). He thanked me for being the reason to improve himself. Sometimes men need a little push to get motivated. There is nothing wrong with that. We all need a little nudge sometimes.

    GVD

    Post # 29
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee

    @Gwen von D:

    I agree that you should talk about that stuff.  I guess I’m a little different because I’ve always just asked that stuff in the beginning, you know, the ‘getting to know you’ stages because why spend time falling in love with someone that isn’t compatible.  For me, it was the ‘i don’t want kids, don’t need to get married’ thing because I need to know if the man I’m seeing is dying to have kids (I’ll have to take a pass with him) or is looking for a wife (I could take marriage or leave it but I wouldn’t want a guy that considered it a major priority) so even though it’s opposite, we’re the same there!Smile

    However, I feel like these are the things you should already know by the time you are wanting to marry someone.  I think for me, and this is where I know I differ and have had some bees explain their feelings to me (which I appreciated adn found insightful) but I don’t subscribe to wanting to get married as a goal or on its own devoid of a man.  Meaning, I can only understand loving an actual person that you are with so much that you want to get married so you can be together for ever.  I don’t understand wanting to be married just for the sake of being married.  Perhaps because I’ve been married before, perhaps because my Mom stressed the importance of career over marriage specifically or perhaps just because I don’t want kids – but its the way I feel. 

    Your guy sounds a lot like mine.  He works so much and is very focused on being the best at what he does that all those IMPORTANT, lol things like saving, paying everything on time, etc takes a backseat. He always says if it weren’t for me he wouldn’t have moved to take opportunites or even know what he’s doing on Wednesdays, lol.

    Post # 30
    Member
    4554 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    My boyfriend was my best friend. He saw how mad/crazy/bitchy/horrible I got when I realized after a year that my ex was a total commitmentphone, and talked on the phone with me as I agonized over whether to stay with him even knowing that I was probably never going to get a proposal.

    And then he watched me walk away from a man I had thought was the love of my life, over his inability to commit.

    Friends, after that, I didn’t NEED a timeline.

    But keep in mind, if I hadn’t had a timeline before…I wouldn’t be engaged now.

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