(Closed) I genuinely can't fake my reactions, and I hope I don't hurt people

posted 7 years ago in Weddingbee
  • poll: Do you like brutal honesty?

    I LOVE honesty! It never offends me if it's coming from a kind place

    I appreciate honesty, but sometimes it hurts

    I'm indifferent, general personality matters more than honesty/lying

    I'd rather hear the positives, skip the negatives

    I prefer people to spare my feelings if it's something I can't change

    Kindly fib to me - I appreciate my life choices being affirmed

  • Post # 77
    Member
    2240 posts
    Buzzing bee

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    @KhaleesiStormborn:  Exactly. A lot of people think it comes from a mean place, but it doesn’t.  Well, not for everyone. 

    Unlike other commenters in this thread, I don’t think you need to learn to “fake it” or mask your true feelings in the name of “kindness”. I don’t see telling someone what they want to hear as “kind”. I consider it to be condescending, actually.

    It seems that you go about things honestly, but with tact, and that is great. 

    I say keep doing what you’re doing. 

    Post # 78
    Member
    2066 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

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    @KhaleesiStormborn:  so your jobs and your money is more important than the feelings of those around you? you can obviously hide your true feelings at work, so why can’t you hide your true feelings if you see a ring that “disgusts” you? i guess i just don’t understand. being able to hide it at work means that it is a choice and you just choose not to hide it outside of work.

    Post # 79
    Member
    486 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  I guess it depends on the situation. If I was showing you my ring and didn’t ask your opinion, I don’t particularly care if it’s not your taste.

     

    If I asked your honest opinion, assuming we had a close enough relationship for it, I would expect you to answer honestly. If I didn’t know you and you started behaving that way with me, I would be entirely put off.

     

    As for the gift giving/receiving segment. When I gift people, I always include a gift receipt so the option for return is available. If you open it and don’t like it, just smile, thank me, and return it later. Any additional comments would hurt my feelings, and ensure that you never receive a thing from me again.

    Post # 81
    Member
    1606 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    View original reply
    @mu_t:  I have to agree with everything you said.  The attitude that one “can’t control” their emotions or physical emotional responses only when it isn’t detrimental to them in any meaningful way reeks of immaturity and self-entitlement.  This thread makes me really sad.

     

    *waits for my flag*

    Post # 83
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

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    @bkrocks13:  +1 

    That’s what bothers me, too.  And it cloak it as a moral debate about honesty just makes me angry, because that’s not what we’re talking about at all.

    Post # 85
    Member
    191 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

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    @KhaleesiStormborn:  So often I’ll say something like “thank you so much! I love the style! This colour sometimes doesn’t suit my skin tone, but I’ll try it first to see :)”

    I rrreeeaaaallllllllyyyy don’t get this.  Why can’t you just say “I love the style” and cut out the rest of it.  If you made a face while saying that whole sentence, I would think it was offensive anyway.   I don’t think what you’re doing makes things less offensive by any means.

    Post # 86
    Member
    463 posts
    Helper bee

    If you dish it out, you have to be able to take it. That’s my only rule.

    I can adapt to different levels of politeness/honesty. You’re polite to me? I’m polite to you. You make a face at my gift? I laugh and comment on the ridiculous face you just made. If you act like I shouldn’t have done that, then we have a problem.

    In social situations I default to positivity and politeness, but I’ve spent a lot of time in brutally honest environments. It’s usually a power play when someone is the first to initiate brutal honesty, so I react to them by switching to my brutally honest persona too, and sometimes it shocks them. Their reaction tells me a lot about whether their honesty was a power play, a social impairment, or just their personality.

    Post # 87
    Member
    1845 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

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    @almostwebbee:  this is what I don’t understand… 

    You said:

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  So often I’ll say something like “thank you so much! I love the style! This colour sometimes doesn’t suit my skin tone, but I’ll try it first to see :)”

     If you’re making a face while you’re saying this, it doesn’t matter if you say “I love it!”, “this is the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen!” Or anything else, the fact that you.are.making.a.face, tells me you are ungrateful and not very gracious.

    imo this is a personality flaw, and not something that should be commended as “total honesty”. 

    Post # 88
    Member
    2066 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    View original reply
    @bkrocks13:  +1 you said it better than me.

    Post # 91
    Member
    2597 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  Frankly, I think your poll selections are silly. Absolutely no one appreciates brutal honesty when it serves no purpose other than to hurt or offend. Honesty is no virtue when it’s used to do those things and unnecessarily hurt others. 

    Frankly, I don’t buy that you are incapable  of being gracious. It sounds like you just can’t get over yourself.

    When someone, buys you a gift you don’t care for, can you not say with honesty and sincerity how much you love that they thought of you? How the thing will remind you of them and the love and friendship you share? 

    When someone shows you their ring, they are not asking if it’s the exact ring you would choose for yourself. Can you not say:  “Its perfect for you! I can see how much you love it! Your Fiance got it exactly right!” Or compliment the stone, metal, setting, design, something? Can you really not muster up an, “It’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you!”

    If you can’t, that’s a reflection on you and not a positive one.

     

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