Post # 92
If your honesty isn’t causing problems in your real life, then the opnions of internet commenters don’t matter – we only see what you write online, and it’s difficult to get nuance and expressions from there.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being honest, but it has proved useful to take a step back and think about what the person I’m talking with is really asking. If someone asks me “Don’t you love my engagement ring?”, I’d probably say yes because what they’re really asking is “Don’t you love the fact that I’m engaged?”. If they ask a specific question, like “What do you think about double halos?” I would answer honestly, because they’re actually looking for an answer to that question.
I value honestly and constructive feedback, but I get nothing from someone making ew-gross faces at my choices.
I find it hard to believe that you can’t look at a gaudy ring without having a physical reaction – that’s a learned behavior, and it can be unlearned. It’s difficult to unlearn behaviors, but it’s a part of growing up. I’m surprised that hasn’t been an issue working retail if you can’t help making disgusted faces at customers trying on a particularly unattractive piece of merchandise.
Post # 93
The number of times you said “I can’t” in your post make me think you are the kind of person I don’t want to be around, to be honest.
I don’t care to spend time with people who don’t belive they are in control of their own body and own decisions, and who use that to make excuses about why it’s ok for them to hurt people’s feelings.
Post # 94
We would be SUCH good friends. Several of my close friends are ALWAYS honest, but in a nice way (exactly in the way that you’ve described). I am a stone-cold bitch when I want to be myself.
There’s nothing I despise more than people who lie a lot. Social lies are fine, when you need to avoid offending someone, but I’d rather hang out with someone with whom I know where I stand. My very best friend started lying/being passive aggressive a lot to avoid conflict about eight years ago, and we have never been as close since. I still love her to death, but I just don’t trust her as much. For example, she’s a bridesmaid in a wedding, and the bride thinks my BFF absolutely loves her to death and is so thrilled to be in the wedding. In reality, my BFF forwards me the bride’s emails constantly and makes fun of her all the time.
Personally, I’d WAY rather have someone tell me straight up, “Hey, I love you, but you’re being a nutball right now” than pacify me to my face but make fun of me behind my back. That’s just my preference!
Honestly, you probably just have to accept that not everyone is going to like your style.
I know plenty of people who think I’m a bitch because I’m assertive and honest (though not mean-spirited ever). But you know what? The people whose opinions I value love me. And that’s what I care about.
Post # 95
@KhaleesiStormborn: I’m like you and I just don’t say anything. vom face is unfortunate so I usually just deflect real quick – change the subject move on or something. my closest friends and family understand this about me and it’s great.
Mere acquaintances are tougher to navigate.
Post # 96
I would never use brutal honesty JUST to offend someone. Not sure where you got that? Even when someone asks me a direct question about my opinion, I give the truth as kindly as I can.
As for my poll options – 13 people have voted that they love honesty. Which option is silly? I’ll change/replace the ones you have valid arguments against.
I actually find it crazy how many people seem to think that I’m being cruel. I’ve seen SO MANY bees be not only needlessly mean, but then defend themselves by saying “just being honest”. At least I try very hard to be positive overall. I would never call something tacky/gaudy/hideous.
Post # 97
I appreciate honesty too. But, I don’t get why you have to make faces because you don’t like something. Why do you need to make a face if you don’t like a shirt someone gets you?
So what would you say if someone said, “Isn’t my baby the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?”
Would you seriously make a face?
I just find this whole situation incredibly odd. And you seem to be implying that people who use tact and keep things to themselves are dishonest, or don’t appreciate honesty as much as you and your friends. That’s simply not the truth. Being courteous and following the rule “if you don’t have anything nice to say keep your mouth shut” doesn’t mean you are dishonest.
Post # 98
I did make a choice though – I chose not to hide (poorly, apparently) my feelings when questioned or presented with something that demands an opinion. The reason I said “I can’t” so often is that really, I am admitting that I tried very hard, and failed tremendously. So now I go about things as positively as I possibly can, while still being true.
Post # 99
If this is prompted by the (relatively) large numbers of posts on the Bee about people commenting negatively on someone’s ring…
I honestly don’t think these comments actually happen as often as it would appear. I think people post these “situations” to fish for compliments and validation from strangers on the Internet. It’s actually kind of sad.
To your point, I think (tactful) honesty is always the best bet. You’re my kind of friend :-).
Post # 100
Probably just an unintentional self-defense mechanism on my part. I apologize if that’s how I come off! People who are polite at all costs are completely admirable. I They have amazing restraint.
When it comes to babies, I love them – I have never had a situation where I had to call an ugly baby beautiful… But if that arose, I would fake it *as best I could* and hope the parents are too in awe of everything to notice anything amiss.
Post # 101
RE the poll options:
They’re just midleading. Take these last 3 for example. The first choices were clearly set up in your favor– as evidenced by 3+ pages of seeking affirmation for this “trait”
I’d rather hear only the positives
^^ This implies that people who do not hold your same belief in “honesty” somehow live in fantasy world– which is not true, and it is pretty condescending
I prefer people to spare my feelings if it’s something I can’t change
^^ If it is something I cannot change, then your opinion is not needed and my feelings need not be spared because…. your opinion is not needed. End of story.
Lie to me – I want my life choices affirmed at all times
^^ This is just silly. No one is saying to lie, they’re saying that it is immature and strange that a grown adult cannot find one pleasant thing to say to another human being without it causing a huge internal struggle. You don’t like something, big deal.
You think X or Y would look better? So what. It places a lot of authority on your opinion and devalues the opinion/preference or excitement of the person you’re speaking or interacting with. No one wants to be around someone like that, you can call it whatever you like.
Post # 102
I chose “I prefer people to spare my feelings if it’s something I can’t change.”
I think you are making excuses. You want to like the way you are and you’re fishing for validation from us.
You won’t find it from me. I don’t buy that you can’t be polite and just say thank you without making a face. I think you just need things to be all about you, and “brutal honesty” is ALWAYS about the person being honest, never about the person you’re giving your opinion to. It’s a sign of immaturity and insecurity.
Post # 103
yes it was, haha. It just surprised me how people got SO offended – not by a mean comment, but just by lackluster enthusiasm about a specific item (which different tastes will obviously not feel as crazy about). Thank you! 🙂 We can be bee-friends! Haha
Post # 104
You need to practice lying & fake smiling. If you practice, you will get better at it. I am extremely blunt by nature and have to work very hard to be tactful in situations where tact is required. The way you say you word things would just make me think less of you if spoke to me like that, not more. You don’t like the ring, poker face and ask for proposal details. You don’t like the gift, poker face and say thank you. Saying something vaguely negative and then saying something positive would seem less honest and more two-faced/bitchy to me. Either be brutally honest or suck it up and lie (and my advice is to suck it up and lie). Don’t half-ass.
Post # 105
You might be right about the bias in the poll choices – it’s a lot harder than it seems to eliminate your own biases when it comes to frivolous stuff like this.
That being said – I don’t understand where you’re getting a lot of the stuff at the end of your post. I personally place NO authority on my own opinion – I only give it when ASKED.
Saying that nobody wants to be around me – well, there are a number of people JUST ON THIS BOARD that have said they’d love to be around me – and my life is totally filled with loving people who appreciate me. So.. You’re wrong, not to mention mean, when you say that.