I get it… you want CASH (Rant)

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
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  • Post # 121
    Member
    63 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    somathemagical :  I am saying this with as much respect as possible so please dont take my tone the wrong way but….Who cares what the older people think or what you think for that matter? Its their wedding and they can do and address things however they want. Its a waste of energy to get upset about it. You look at the website, see the poem, move on. You look at your invite, see the poem..move on. You obviously dont like them much to come on a forum and judge them for it which some people would also see as classless and rude. I really hope you arent going to this wedding.  

    Post # 124
    Member
    329 posts
    Helper bee

    somathemagical :  I agree with you on the theme of your post — but if you give a gift and primarily think of what you prefer, that is not good manners. You should think mostly of what the one you are giving would like for receiving. It is like a man giving a woman a vacuume cleaner because he wants her cleaning more.

    Etiquette is for kindness. That is what etiquette is, being kind. So, when you have a faux pas, the etiquette thing to do is to avoid calling attention to your friends mistake. The etiquette is to have sympathy that your poor friend did not have the privilege you do to know to be graceful. And then you help to prevent her ignorance from giving her embarassment.   Etiquette is being kind. Yes you have a vent here, and that is alright. But it is not kind to give a gift that will embarass the bride. Bad, rude to do. Just as graceless to ask for money so many times. I think. 

    Post # 128
    Member
    1981 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

    Not the point of the post but I’m so glad that in the UK it is accepted etiquette to put registry details on the invitation. Would be a PITA to have to call people/ try and search for it. It’s something I really don’t get; you have a registry but think it’s only acceptable to have the registry if your guests have to search it out.

    Post # 129
    Member
    329 posts
    Helper bee

    somathemagical :  that is so kind, and please know I do not mean to scold you. Sometimes we want to vent, it is ok. Today I go on facebook and I see a friend has posted her registry there, to all her friends. Now, I know I do not have an invitation for her wedding. she is always posting about her wedding and telling the guests to hurry and rsvp, what to wear, all this. I think it is rude. I want to post on her comments, “can’t wait! let me know if you need my address for the invite.” It would be delicious. However it would embarass her in for all her friends, so I will not. But, I am saying this to show that I also want to shake people sometimes and say, you are so rude, what is wrong with you!  So, I am really not trying to scold you. You should be able to have fun with exasperation and condoling with your friends here. However there is a line where it is like “mean girls” and like a highschool hallway on here. That is the only thing. I know in real life you are almost for sure going to be kind to this silly bride. 

    Post # 130
    Member
    511 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    Lol at all the people defending asking for cash ๐Ÿ˜‚ We had a small registry of upgrade items that we would like and did receive most of the items from that registry. We did not advertise that we had a registry and people figured it out.  That said, well over half of our guests gave us cash instead.

    However, I think that if we had actually asked for money a lot of our guests would have gifted less or purchased a gift from the registry or a gift we didn’t register for at all. 

    In the end I am pretty confident that asking for cash (read: being rude and treating guests like a bank) actually hurts more than it helps. 

    Post # 131
    Member
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    It IS actually a cultural difference. Maybe not divided by geography, or ethnicity or religion but by what I call “tribe”. Your “tribe” is the group of people who JUST KNOW to bring cash. That’s who you fit with. That is YOUR NORM. It may even be the seeming norm for the majority but majority should not always rule. There are obviously people here whose “tribe” would prefer it spelled out for them so their tribe member spelled it out and they get it and aren’t offended. The idea here is if it’s so offensive to you then don’t deal with it. Speak up or walk away but judging comes across as mean spirited as you yourself have admitted. It’s their wedding with their friends. If it’s that rude and offensive people should say something to them.

     

    I am gonna out myself here. The only wedding I have ever attended as an adult that was not through my parents friends was that of a very very good friend. I badgered her and her dad (who I am close to about what to get them because they had no registry). I had NOOOOO idea bringing a check or cash was an option. I got them a card and engraved wine glasses. It’s only as I am planning my wedding and doing the research that I found out giving people money is not tacky (4 years later). It’s not even like I was super young (early 30’s) but just did not know.  Dude my thought would have been it would make it seem I thought they were a charity case if I gave them a check. I would have been over the moon if they would have had a honeyfund or something. The point not being to scold but to please think of perspectives/experiences outside your own. I called her an apologised for just being a social dolt.

     

    Post # 132
    Member
    62 posts
    Worker bee

    Recently a friend of mine got married. I was invited to her bachelorette week (yes you read that right – a WEEK long trip, not a night or a weeked a whole freaking week), her shower and her actual wedding. So for all of those I am shelling out money and taking time off work. 

    For close friends I don’t mind doing the effort – I really don’t because I hope when my time comes they will be there for me. I don’t expect dollar for dollar, just that it’s her wedding I am very happy for her and I want to be there for her. 

     

    So for the bachelorette week I had to save – it was an expensive trip – and when I told her I would need to know the amount she was like does it matter? It’s my bachelorette – not everyone got an invite to it. So that made me mad. 

     

    Then at her bridal shower the family actually counted, in front of everyone, how much she made. In cash. And then the estimated value of the gifts. Then they announced, at the shower, how much each plate would be at the wedding so that we would know the effort the family is putting forth. 

     

    And then after the wedding, my friend told me that if each person didn’t at least give what they paid for each meal then she isn’t going to waste her time with sending a thank you card and that if those people aren’t married yet it will determine how much she gives them for her wedding. I am not married yet. It turned me off horribly from the friendship and made me see her in a completely different light. 

    Post # 133
    Member
    335 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    EllyAnne :  I don’t get this at all. I’ve never had to spend more than five second googling the two names plus “wedding” to get all the registry info I need. Stores purposely make that stuff easy to find.

     

    I recently saw my first honey fund request (printed right on the invitation), and had a major eyeroll. I guess they did not know their cultural context as well as they thought, because I checked it all the way up to the weddding and nobody bought any of the activities on it. I still think putting any info about gifts on the invitation – in verse or otherwise – is terribly rude.

    Post # 135
    Member
    1981 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

    professorplum :  Yeah we don’t Google registries in the UK. Well at least I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. Just tells you on the invite where it is.

    The asking for cash and poems is very common now but don’t think I’ll ever change my mind about it being tacky.

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