- 9 years ago
- Wedding: May 2009
but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down… Ok ok so I won’t sing a terrible song. 🙂 But I would like some newlywed advice.
I have been incredibly smug about out relationship for a long time. Other people have relationship drama, I know exactly how we would handle it, even if we’ve never faced that situation.
(No, I didn’t tell those people that. I’m not quite that terrible!)
Only now we are up against something I never thought we would be so soon. The D word. Both of us are under a great deal of stress, having to live 6 1/2 hrs apart since two days after our wedding. We only get a few weekends here or there, depending on our schedule.
My job stinks. I absolutely hate it. But my job will be done just before Thanksgiving. Which means we will finally be together.
Added to work and relationship stress, my step-grandma passed away this past Sunday. She lived with my family for years. I provided home health care for her until I moved away. She matters to me. When I realized how poor her health had become, I checked with my job and found out that I wouldn’t be allowed to take any time off because she is a “step” and that doesn’t fall under bereavement time off.
My husband didn’t have any problem with me telling my employer that she is my grandma so that I would be allowed the traditional 3 days to be with my family. However, since the funeral wasn’t going to be until the end of the week, I had to go to work Monday and Tuesday. On Monday I went in and broke down. I couldn’t handle trying to work and thinking about everything. I was offered the opportunity to go home.
I knew before I said anything to my husband that he would say stay at work. I felt my place was with my family, and since I was given the opportunity to go, I should take it. I went back and forth and finally after talking to my Dad and hearing him tear up, I knew what my choice would be. I went home to be with my family.
I figured my husband would be frustrated. After all, I’d be down two days of pay, and I’m very close to being done with my company, so why jeopardize it. However, his reaction has left me reeling.
He feels that I took advantage of my grandma’s death and that I used it as an excuse to get out of working. That I went into work with the intention of trying to get out. And on one level I understand his reaction. He isn’t here to see how difficult this has been on my dad. He couldn’t see the meltdown I had. All he has to go by is how much I don’t like my job, and that I was given the choice to leave.
But on another level I’m deeply hurt. I thought he was supposed to support me in everything, even if he didn’t agree with me. That he would stand by the decision I made. That he would trust me, trust my judgment, even if he didn’t know the exact details of what was going on.
And he doesn’t. All he will say is that I’m not the person he thought I was. That he won’t rubber stamp a decision he doesn’t agree with. That I didn’t stop to consider our family and how it would affect us. (Which I did, I may be emotional, but I’m not stupid. I weighed my choice and what the consequences could be) He feels that he would have stayed at work, and that since I didn’t do what he thought I should, that I’m in the wrong.
I don’t know what to think. He’s pulled away from me when I need him most. He’s always been my emotional pillar of support, and without him I feel like I’m floundering. I’ve cried a gallon of tears with everything going on and I can’t think of how to “make it better”. He doesn’t see anything wrong with us. He says nothing is wrong and that we are fine. But all I get is one word answers to emails I send and responses to text messages hours later if at all. We’ve been together 8 years. I know when something is wrong, and I know he is behaving this way deliberately. I just don’t know what to do about it.
So that’s my story. I’m sorry it’s so long and convoluted. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Is there anything I can do? Am I being irrational for being so upset? I can see exactly how it looks from his perspective. But shouldn’t he trust me enough to believe what I say?
Please any advice you may have I would so appreciate. I feel like I’m going crazy trying to keep everything together. Thank you ladies!