Post # 1
Hey fellow bees, I need your help! My fiance and I just got engaged (yay!) and we both want to have a smallish (100 person) wedding. I’m Indian, he’s White, but we’re having a one day, non-traditional fusion wedding. Here’s the catch: my Dad’s side alone is 50 people. These people all live in the same town and are very tight. There are some second cousins in this group that I absolutely adore, we’re extremely close, and my fiance and I can’t imagine getting married without them present. There are other second cousins who are in the same tightly knit group, whom we’re just not close to and don’t care for. So here is the puzzle – how do I invite some cousins and not others?? Is it possible to do this gracefully and tactfully??
The thing with Indian culture is that if you invite someone to a wedding, you better believe that they will come. Even if they’re not that close to you and they don’t want to make the effort, they will come anyway as to not offend the hosts. I’m OK with telling people they are not invited to our wedding but my parents say this is too rude. We can’t use the “it’s not in our budget” rationale because the not-so-important extended family members know that this is not an issue. Here are my solutions, but I’m open to others so please bring ’em on!
1) Have a destination, weekday afternoon, no kids affair to eliminate the people who don’t want to come.
2) Hold a post-wedding “Home Coming Banquet” in their town to celebrate with the extended family members whom we’re not close to. This will give them an opt out of the wedding event itself.
3) My preference – explain to the not-invited cousins that we are limited by our venue choice and we wanted to keep the event intimate by inviting those people that we are closest to.
Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 2
It’s really up to you and your fiance and entirely depends on what your vision is. What you will quickly learn about weddings is that people will always find an excuse to get offended. Since you can’t invite the entire universe, you will always have to draw the line somewhere. If you don’t invite kids, people will complain. If you invite some friends but not others, people will complain. If you don’t invite old friends of your parents that you have never even met, chances are people will still complain! If the wedding is large, someone is going to bitch that it was too impersonal and they barely saw you, if it’s small then someone will complain that they weren’t invited or they wanted a plus one. Too bad, really, it’s your day, not theirs.
You just have to grow a thick skin and graciously let people know that your budget and/or preferred venue means that space is limited (even if you have unlimited money, that does not mean you are obliged to spend it on your wedding), and let the chips fall where they may. If you think throwing a separate party or dinner to soothe hurt feelings is a good idea, that can work too. However the sort of people who you actually want in your life will usually not be the kind of people who will make your wedding all about them. Personally, I think option 3 would be fine, although be careful with how you phrase it. If you do decide to have a family event after, that may help to smooth things over.
Post # 3
lonecypress: I have no suggesions but your title is hilarious 🙂 One of my best friends is Indian and her wedding had well over 500 guests, and the groom is actually from India so most of his side couldn’t make the trip. And it wasn’t even technically the wedding but a second reception as the wedding was in India. So I don’t know how to limit your guest list but if you do get drawn into a massive wedding the silver lining is that it’s pretty cool so many people love and support you! Also lots of presents…good luck!!
Post # 4
Hahaha I wouldn’t know how to do this either. If I lived near by family I don’t think I could not invite them. I think they are all good options, and it really depends how traditional your parents are and if it’s worth upsetting them. I would probably just roll with it and invite the extra tbh.
Post # 5
Is it really worth offending your less close cousins if they know you have the budget and are the ones choosing the venue? I could more see getting away with it if you were both Indian, but you may have some racist relatives thinking your husband is taking you away from your culture. (Irrational? Yes. Possible? Possibly).
I get your pain – I have some awesome second cousins I would want to invite, and some I am really not close to at all. It is hard.
Post # 6
I have 56 first cousins and that doesn’t include spouses and their kids, so I hear ya! However I’m not close to 99% of them – family is just too big to remain close, so I was able to invite only the cousins im actually close with without any ruffled feathers. Do you think your not so close cousins would even care that they’re not invited?