(Closed) I got called "the enemy" by FI's cousin

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@moleskinlover:  I am just so sorry that this happened to you.  People can be bigots and I hope you can see that your FI’s cousin is just so misinformed and so closeminded. 

Post # 4
335 posts
Helper bee

Wow, she has some gall, and yes, that is terribly ignorant.  I hate when I see people condemning all muslims because of the actions of extremists.  I’m pretty sure there were comments like that during the Cold War from some people, too.

As much as you might not want to, maybe try to get to know her?  Or, a better way of looking at it, getting her to get to know you, better.   I’m sure you probably don’t want to be around her, but if y’all are going to be family, and his family is tight-knit, well, the best way to fight ignorance is with knowledge. 

Post # 5
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow.  I am so sorry.  Sheer ignorance.  

Post # 6
5544 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Usually I am all for sucking up slight offences for the sake of family but there is NOTHING slight or even close to okay about her statements. I think that is something that needs to be addressed, if someone thinks of you as the “enemy” then I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to have that kind of person at your wedding. I would have your Fiance talk to which ever parent this girl is the niece of and explain to them that while you and he want a good relationships with his whole family unless this girl decides to not be a bigot then there is no room for that kind of hate at a celebration of you and your FI’s love. 

Gah. People like that make me so angry. Let’s revert and lump a huge and diverse group all together with a few crazy extremists and call it patriotism…. 

Post # 7
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Eek.. So she’s ignorant, do you really want to start a family feud over it? 

Why did your Fiance tell you that she even said this? 

Sorry that you have to deal with this – I know many muslim friends of mine have been having a really hard time since 9/11 (especially in NY where I was living before).  It’s not right and she’s stupid/ignorant/rude/etc – but I doubt you will even see her/notice her/think about this at your own wedding.  As for not going to hers – I would probably go just to show face, but leave very early. 

Post # 8
9118 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Holy shit. That is terrible and racist.

I would disown my family member if they dared to say anything like that to my SO. They would be out of my life and out of my mind the moment their sentence ended.

Post # 9
1715 posts
Bumble bee

MY answer to being at her wedding or her coming to mine would flat out be

“When she decides to become an informed, intelligent and unbiogted person, I will gladly invite her to/go to the wedding. Until then I will not break bread with a person who ignorantly calls me the enemy. I have done nothing wrong, and will not be punished with her company.”


Post # 10
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Is it at all possible she was joking? Some people do make very ill-considered jokes – I’m usually one of them! So I would look for more clarification before I would refuse to go to her wedding or refuse to invite her to yours.

Post # 12
1715 posts
Bumble bee

Again do not force yourself to be punished with her presence. At your wedding or at hers. When it comes to bigotry if you “quietly go” with it, that person will never learn anything and the people around them will never learn. Bigotry is a learned behavior.

God forbid you have kids and they see their mother quietly accpeting this behavior and think it’s okay to act that way.

(not that I think you would let that happen. You’ll be a great Mom if you want to be a mom.)

Post # 14
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Clearly she’s completely ignorant. Be the bigger person and attend hers graciously and invite hers to yours. It’s not worth causing the rift in a close knit family and giving her more fuel to slander you with. Kill her with kindness to show her how closeminded she truly is.

Post # 15
1715 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry, just one more thing.

This is the type of boat that SHOULD be rocked.

Living and growing up in the southern midwest/ south, I hear this sort of thing often. “Oh well they don’t know any better” or “Oh shes old thats the way she was raised”


The more everyone sits around and makes excuses for ANYONE on ANY level of racism or bigotry is okay or permissible, the more society as a whole becomes okay with giving that little inch and accpeting it as our “culture”.

Culture is not hate.

Same with sexism.

If we breed tolerence for this sort of thing we will be over run with it. 

Do not let anyone get away with it lightly. You do a disservice to ever other person in the world who has to meet/deal with that person.


Post # 16
1021 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I know sometimes people have a way of calling attention to bigotry by making a bigoted remark, but in a joking manner. It’s not necessarily excusable, but it’s not intended to be malicious. It might be her way of making fun of ignorance, if that makes sense? 

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