(Closed) I got FI “cybering” with someone online, what to do?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have married friends that have had issues with their husbands from being obnoxious when they drink to buying porn too much. They have both gone to counseling for it and the best solution was for them to stop doing those things that divided them or caused fights, insecurity in the relationship, untrustworthiness etc. This can defiantly be something that divides you two. It is something that he will have to stop completely if it bothers you. If I were in your shoes it would bother me a lot and I would consider it unacceptable. Its about having respect for you as his future wife also.  

Post # 18
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I consider that cheating, but his response needs addressing.  You’re his fiance and should think of your feelings.  He might not considered it a problem, but he should be sypathetic to your feelings. good luck!

Post # 19
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

oh my that is cheating emotionally and psychologically! i would talk to him about it for sure… if he wouldn’t do it in front of you, he shoudn’t do it at all.

Post # 20
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

That is NOT okay!! Does he think he just just tack on that little tagline after anything? “Yeah I went on a date with her and we messed around. Calm down! You’re the one I come home to!” Would you be okay with that?! This is unnaceptable.

The fact that he is just dismissing your concerns like that is extremely disrespectful and should not be tolerated in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if he will never see these girls face-to-face in his life. He is telling other women that he wants to have sex with them (“cybering” in a nutshell). This is not a behavior that you should let slide by.

Post # 21
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think a big problem here is his response when you confronted him. That just sounds disrespectful to you, telling you to forget it. You really need to sit down and talk this through with him, and to tell him how he makes you feel. I would really hate for Fiance to have cybersex with some stranger!

Post # 22
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I saw a news story on cyber cheating once.  They made valid points about what is cheating or not.  In this case, since he is involved emotionally and psychologically, I believe it qualifies.  This is something that the counselors would say is not healthy for your relationship.  If he thinks it’s been okay all this time, I would be concerned.  Don’t let him tell you that it’s ok.  I think the best thing to do would be to reach out to a counselor so you can determine what you need to do.

Good luck and I hope things work out for the better!

Post # 23
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I wouldn’t count this as ‘cheating’ BUT it is grounds for cheating and for that I’d be worried. Do you know if it was someone he knows in person? Either way I know that it doesn’t take much to go from the online world to the real world, it happens all the time. I know quite a few people who have done it and they are now divorced. It crosses over a trust barrier, even if it isn’t cheating. If you tell him you’d like it if he stopped because it makes you uncomfortable and he continues to do it then it is an issue not only of the possibility of cheating but on your trust and his compassion towards you.

Post # 24
Member
848 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ouch! Sorry you’re going through this Frown I definitely consider it as cheating! You need to confront him with it and see where it goes and deal with it from there.

Post # 25
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I consider it disrespectful, disgusting, and cheating! I would make sure your Fiance knows that while he doesn’t consider it “a big deal” and “has been doing it for years”, you DO consider it an issue.

Post # 26
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

He was mentally and emotionally involved, yeah it IS cheating.

Post # 27
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Totally cheating!!  Get out while you can!!

Post # 28
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery

I agree and do feel that it is a form of cheating….I think that you should let him know how it makes you feel….I consider it cheating because I would also consider it cheating if he were talking sexually with another women over the phone (phone sex) which to me is no different than doing it online.  I feel that he has crossed a line and he only sees it as a joke I would be worried.  I am not sure what you should do in this situation…if he doesn’t want to stop I would seriously be concerned.

Post # 29
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery

what is worse is that there is the possibility that he would know this person….I just feel like it’s a bad situation!

Post # 30
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

This is tough. I mean he’e engaging in a sexual behavior of sorts with another woman. Did they exchange pictures, names, locations, etc? Is this something that will escalate? Maybe you can suggest an alternative to him? Like role playing, if you have 2 computers you could try doing it with each other, maybe it’s just imagining what the other person is doing that he likes about it? Try to find out why he’s doing it and if there is something the two of you can do together to fill this ‘need’ of his.

Post # 31
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee

It’s cheating. If  the bf did it I would be livid and hurt. I dont know if I would forgive him or what it would take to get me to.

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