(Closed) I got FI “cybering” with someone online, what to do?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would have a big problem with this.

1, it’s taking up his time that he could be spending doing other things with me, or things around the house, etc. And if he’s been doing this for years…how much time is that? Does he plan to continue doing this for years? Can you commit to coping with him continuing to do this for years?

2, who is he doing this with? Even if he does not know the person in “real life,” is it the same person online each time? If so, they have an ongoing online relationship. That seems…well, awful is the only word I can think of. It makes me kind of sick thinking about it.

3, His response was really dismissive. “I’ve been doing this for years, just relax”????? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he felt put on the spot and reacted defensively…but I agree with others that you need to talk to him, and eitther go to counseling together or on your own.

My overarching thought is this: Is this something you can live with forever?

 

Post # 33
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’d be livid. Especially if he thought it was OK and I didn’t. If he’d been doing it for years and literally saw no problem with it, I’m not sure I could be in a relationship where we had different opinions of what is ok in a relationship.

Post # 34
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like you have a problem with it so there is a problem with it whether people want to define it as cheating or not.  If I were you I’d take a bit of time when he’s not around and think exactly why this hurt you.  Is it the emotional connection, that you feel sexual connections (whether actual sex is involved or not) should be monogamous, is it that he was deceiving you since you just found out. 

It’s a problem that yelling isn’t going to fix but he has to get passed the point of being dismissive and start listening to your concerns so I’m not sure what works best for you guys when you have somethng serious to talk about.  For me, I offer a peace offering, like make dinner or bring home ice cream something to show it’s a problem I’m willing to work on but he has to meet me half way by willing to talk aobut it.

Post # 35
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

OH yeah, that’s definitely cheating in my book. I caught my husband watching porn one time & it upset me pretty bad. I know that’s something a lot of men do…but with the way I was raised, it was just hard for me to get over & he knows that it upsets me…and hopefully he doesn’t do it anymore! If i EVER found out that my husband was having a cyber chat with someone, I don’t know what I’d do.

I’d definitely confront him though, so he knows that you know & hopefully he won’t do it anymore if he loves and respects you.

Post # 36
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

Wow, I would be livid. I absolutely consider this cheating, and I can’t believe he’s been doing it for years and never told you! You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him ASAP because if you’re not comfortable with this, he shouldn’t be doing it.

Post # 37
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Oh wow, I just read where you said that he told you he’s been doing it for years! “It’s like a game?!?!?!” That is crazy!!!! That’s a problem HE needs to learn to control…this is totally like cheating!!! Obviously, since he’s doing it…he needs to find satisfaction elsewhere & it’s completely hurtful and WRONG to you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If it were a serious issue and it really bothered you that much…I would tell him you need to stop or either there’s going to be some thinking about us getting married. Then, he’ll know how serious you are.

Post # 38
Member
6610 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh my goodness. You poor thing. I would be heartbroken because I would consider that cheating. The fact that he doesn’t care about how it hurts you makes the situation even worse. This situation needs to be addressed, asap.

Post # 39
Member
1707 posts
Bumble bee

Wow I am sorry that this is going on in your life. I forsurely would NOT be ok with this. I consider it cheating and completely disrespectful to you as his SO. I would definately be very angry and upset if I caught my SO doing this and I would think long and hard about how much I truly loved him before I made a decision about whether I wanted to stay or go. I don’t think I could stand his dismissive behavior towards the subject as if since he has done it for years that makes it ok some how.

You need to think about what you find important and where you stand on how much this bothers you. You also need to talk to him and make it very clear that this makes you uncomfortable. I would hope that he would recipricate by listening to your feelings and trying to compromise with you.

Post # 40
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I don’t think it’s cheating, but I guess it depends.  Does he know the person he’s cybering with in real life, or are they just an on-line friend?  Does he cyber with multiple on-line people, or just one specific person?

I’ll be honest, I used to cyber.  A lot.  It was fun.  For me, it was like reading a graphic romance novel, but I got to help develop the plot and be part of the story.  It was a much more intense form of porn-reading than just reading a book.  I’d get all hot and bothered and then look to my real-life for some real action.

BUT when I started seriously dating my now-husband, I stopped doing it, because on some level, it did feel wrong to me.  But part of that was because the people I was cybering with were people I had been close on-line friends with for years.  I think it would feel different if it was some on-line stranger.  Then there’s less emotion involved and it’s more like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure porn story.  If that makes sense.

I would talk to your boy again and see if you can figure out exactly what he’s doing.  Let him know how uncomfortable it makes you and see if you can find a solution.  If he’s cybering with people he knows in real life, that’s dangerous and one of them may want to take it off-line eventually.  If he’s cybering with specific on-line people that he’s friends with, that’s dangerous because of the emotional connection he might have with them.  If he’s cybering as more of a means to get turned on, or get busy with himself, instead of something like watching porn, then that’s a different category too, and perhaps not as bad (at least in my opinion – everyone has their own opinions on porn and things like it).

Good luck to you!

Post # 41
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

 C H E A T I N G and u definitely need to confront him! be strong and don’t back down, he’s in the wrong, NOT YOU!

Post # 42
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I think once he’s entertaining the thought of being with another person and she’s reciprocating which part of that is not cheating. Plus if it wasn’t a big deal why hide it for years.  I think you should make it clear its a deal breaker that you are not prepared to accept.

Sweetie don’t let him walk all over you convincing you to accept something you know to be wrong. Stand up for yourself and you both address the issue in a way you’re comfortable with the result.

I hope things work out for the best for you.

Post # 43
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ok, I’m sorry I haven’t read any of the responses on here because I AM BOILING!!!!!!!

 

HE IS CHEATING ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And for him to go and say “It’s no big deal, I do it all the time” is a SLAP IN THE FACE!!!!!!  He’s having an affair (even if it is cyber)!!!!!  He is basically exposing what is YOURS to someone else. It’s not normal at all!!! I am so angry for you right now… I can punch you Fiance in the face.  I’m sorry but you MUST put a stop it it PRONTO!!!! IT’S NOT NORMAL AT ALL!!!!!!!!!

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!Yell

Post # 44
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree. This is emotional cheating. And the fact he has dismissed your feelings on it makes it worse. You need to let him know that you do not agree with it and that you don’t want to share him with online women. The fact that he said “You’re the one I come home to every night” or whatever is alarming. That wording screams to me that he is going to treat you like a doormat and never take your feelings into real consideration.

Post # 45
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

As the others, I would be LIVID too and this is deinitely cheating and grounds for dumping his A** !!!! And the reply he gave you would have earned him a HARD slap in the face as far as I’m concerned. I’m so sorry.

Post # 46
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Disrespectfull.  I’d tell him fine you can have all the cyber whatever you want, but I’m outa here.  Even after you asking him about it he seemed ok with it tells me that he doesn’t respect you or y’all’s relationship.  You are worth more then what he is showing you and you need to kick him to the curb.

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