(Closed) I got FI “cybering” with someone online, what to do?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
792 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree that he is cheating in some form, maybe not in person, but it’s still cheating to me, and for him to say that is no big deal is a slap in the face because if it bothers you it is a big deal. That’s like saying your feelings dont matter to him. If Fi did this to me I would leave, but first I would say “It’s no big deal huh? So I guess if it’s no big deal then you wouldn’t mind if I did it? It’s just a gam right?” of course I would never but it’s something I would say, because I gurantee you if Fi did this to me and I said that to him, he would not be okay with me having cyber sex.

Post # 48
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

CHEATER!!!!!!!!! Emotional affairs are just as harmful and devastating as physical ones. That excuse is BULLS**T, and he needs to be made aware of the consequences of his actions. Maybe he doesn’t feel like it’s cheating as he’s not physically touching someone else, however, sending sexual messages to someone, be it text, internet, facebook chat constitutes thinking about that real live person on the other end of that screen in a sexual way and becoming aroused by it. What’s to stop him form eventually meeting her if he feels like he wants to escalate the ‘relationship’ to a physical one?

Post # 49
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have to ask – all the Bees that are saying he’s cheating – have you ever cybered or had experience with someone who has?  It’s not always the “emotional affair” that many of you are making it out to be.  Hence my earlier questions about WHO he’s cybering with and how often.  It’s completely possible to have a non-emotional, non-psychological cyber session without it meaning anything or being cheating.

I agree that since the OP felt uncomfortable with it, it’s something that needs to be discussed and a solution has to be found, but I don’t think it’s an automatic “kick him to the curb” issue that many people think it is, unless you also think that watching porn is a “kick him to the curb” issue, or reading a steamy romance novel is a “kick him to the curb” issue.  I think we need more details before we can really know if what he’s doing is that bad or not, although of course, everyone had different views on what’s bad and not and what’s crossing the line or not.  Some can’t deal with porn or strippers, and some can.  So I think we need to know how the OP feels about those things and how clowly we can compare the cybering to those.

Post # 50
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hello! I wouldn’t say it was cheating… but you should defs confront him and find out if this was either a one time thing or if it is a repeated event with a girl he has “cybered” with before.

Post # 51
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@ Adiria – it’s a matter of respect. To make things simple, would you do this yourself to your FI? “Hey sexy, I want to kiss you all over and see you buck naked. Wish I could run my hands all over your body right now”.  SERIOUSLY???? COME ON NOW ! How disrespectful is that??? And the difference is, its a REAL person OP’s Fiance is cheating with and not a character in a novel or some bad actress in a porn. This is wrong on so many levels. His reply to OP was hurtful.

If I were OP, I’d create a fake persona, get on FI’s chat and “seduce him”. Once he attends a meet and greet with this femme fatale, he would see it’s his fiance. GAME OVER !

Post # 52
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

i have to agree and disagree it would hurt the hell out of and would make me think ojk if he is doing this than he would have no problem doing this to a real lgirl

 

 

at the same time i think that maybe its a fantasy or fetish he has or something

 

like me and my fi are kinky as hell and if i were not as kinky as him i dunno what would happen he proob likes to do this and knows maybe u r not into doing this

 

so he finds it somewhere else

 

since he doesnt know u kno i would tell him u have a fantasty to dirty talk over the phone or surprise him w dirty texting or something and than he will ask where this kinky side comes from, maybe u guys can discuss fantasies and try to act them out he might just b scared to tell u

 

i would also tell him if he is scared thats fince and u saw what he did and it was def crossing the line and its not fair when u r 100 % faithful>>>

Post # 53
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Adira: I have, when I was single. It was with someone from an online game that I ended up getting to know more, cybering with, talking with, etc. and meeting in real life months after it started. It became a toxic relationship for 3 years of my life. Turned out he had a girlfriend (I was single) and wanted me on the side too, all started from “innocent” online conversation/cybertalk. Anyway that is in the past and could be talked about for pages and pages, but isn’t worth it.

There is no way at all that I would be OK with that behavior in my spouse because (cheating aspect aside) it is disrespectful. There is another person on the other side of that computer screen. Watch some porn or read a dirty novel if you want, but cybering is crossing into the personal level. I am sure he is writing out his fantasies to these cyber girls when he could just turn to his SPOUSE and tell HER.

Post # 54
Member
990 posts
Busy bee

I think it is bad, but not as bad as physically coming into contact with another person sexually. You have to think if it truly bothers you and if it does tell him you dont want him doing it and if not, ask him to keep it on the DL so you wont have to experience it again. And if he is coming to bed with you at night, and not taking care of himself, thats a good thing.

Post # 55
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

…and his reply “you’re one I go to bed with so calm down” is disgusting. I would say “Well you’re not going to bed with me any time soon !” I mean, seriously, he just gets aroused by chatting some other girl up sexually and then wants to go and touch you and sleep with you? You don’t think he is thinking of HER????

Post # 56
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I personally think this is considered cheating but every relationship is different. What bothers me most (aside from the cybering itself) is the fact that he completely dismissed your concerns and is acting like they’re not valid. That is completely disrespectful and not how someone should be treating a person they’re about to marry! I’d take a step back and think about a few things:

-you should probably figure out what you want to get out of confronting him, if you choose to do so again. do you just want an apology, or do you want him to stop entirely?-how much does the cybering bother you? will this make/break the relationship for you?

-he needs to understand that even though it isn’t a big deal to him, it is to you! telling you something is “no big deal” is not OK, at least nothing of this calibre.

Nobody knows your relationship and the boundaries you both have, better than the two of you so hopefully you’ll both come to some kind of agreement/understanding.

Best of luck!

Post # 57
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hate to be a downer…but this is the EXACT reason my parents got divorced.

Post # 58
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I was pissed about this dude but when you said he just blew you off that really ticked me off for you!  He’s not considering how you feel about the situation and it’s clear he plans to continue whether you like he does or not.  That.Is.Not.Love.  I’m sorry, but your Fiance needs to either stop and you guys really hash this out and gain his trust that he will stop with the crap or any pending marriage talk should be over–that’s my opinion though.  If he cared at all, when you brought it up, he would have said something entirely different.

And Adira, you mean to tell me that you didn’t do it because it was arousing for you at all?  I think that’s a bit odd.  Why not just talk to the person instead of going the sexual content route?  This is coming from a gal though who finds strip clubs and porn disgusting.  If the guy was single, fine, go ahead and do what he wants, but he is in a committed relationship since they are going to get married and that’s a no-go here on my end.  It’s disrespectful and if he doesn’t find his relationship “excitment” with the OP (his fiancee) then the dude needs to get a life and go elsewhere.

OP, I’m really sorry you are in this situation.  I hope you can stay true to how you feel and don’t just let it slide because he doesn’t want to talk about it. 🙁  ::hugs::

Post # 59
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Bee-Bee – you said,

“I mean, seriously, he just gets aroused by chatting some other girl up sexually and then wants to go and touch you and sleep with you? You don’t think he is thinking of HER????”

I think it’s just as likely (probably more likely) that he’s thinking of his fiancee while he’s cybering, than the other way around.  He knows what his fiancee looks like, what she’s like in bed (presumably), etc.

@Bee-Bee – you said,

“it’s a matter of respect. To make things simple, would you do this yourself to your FI? “Hey sexy, I want to kiss you all over and see you buck naked. Wish I could run my hands all over your body right now”.  SERIOUSLY???? COME ON NOW ! How disrespectful is that??? And the difference is, its a REAL person OP’s Fiance is cheating with and not a character in a novel or some bad actress in a porn. This is wrong on so many levels. His reply to OP was hurtful.”

I’m not entirely sure what you’re asking.  Are you asking if I would cyber with someone else while I’m with my husband?  Probably not, but I usually cybered with people I already had an emotional connection with.  Either long-term on-line friends, or an on-line boyfriend, or something.  Once I was in a real-life relationship, I stopped my on-line flirtations.  But I can see someone cybering with random people and having no emotional connection at all, as I’ve also done that before.  It has zero meaning and is just a more involved sex-scene from a book, basically.  That’s how it was for me.

Which is why I think we need to know more information before we can pass judgement on this guy.  If he’s cybering with someone he knows in real life, that’s not okay.  If he’s cybering with one specific person that he has an emotional connection with, that’s not okay.  If he’s cybering with random people that he doens’t know and probably doesn’t cyber with again, that might be okay (depending on the OP’s views on such things).

Also @Bee-Bee, please don’t pass judgement on me when you don’t know me.  If my husband didn’t care if I cybered, then how would I be being disrespectful to him if I did?  It all depends.  And if the person on the other side of the screen gets connected, that’s their problem, not mine, right?  As long as everyone’s upfront with intentions, it can be an acceptable way to get aroused or have fun, in my opinion.

@Bailzoe – you said,

“I have, when I was single. It was with someone from an online game that I ended up getting to know more, cybering with, talking with, etc. and meeting in real life months after it started. It became a toxic relationship for 3 years of my life. Turned out he had a girlfriend (I was single) and wanted me on the side too, all started from “innocent” online conversation/cybertalk. Anyway that is in the past and could be talked about for pages and pages, but isn’t worth it.”

Thank you for posting your experience.  I agree with you – if this person that the OP’s Fiance is cybering with is one specific person that they are starting to form a closer bond with, that is an issue (I have been in a similar situation as you).  But if what he’s doing isn’t even close to what you did, or what I did (formed real relationships from on-line ones), then it might not be as bad as people assume.

Post # 60
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Curlysue – you said,

“And Adira, you mean to tell me that you didn’t do it because it was arousing for you at all?  I think that’s a bit odd.  Why not just talk to the person instead of going the sexual content route?”

Did I say that I wasn’t getting aroused from it?  I thought what I said was I was doing TO get aroused.  That’s exactly what I was doing.  Getting aroused.  If I didn’t make it clear, I meant to say that that’s all it was for – and that it doesn’t necessariliy have to have an emotional aspect to it, just like porn, strip clubs, and steamy novels don’t have to have emotional aspects to them – they’re just fun and get you turned on.  Cybering can be the same way.

Post # 61
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Adira but he is engaged to be married.  He’s not single.  I’m guessing if he was looking at porn or going to strip clubs also this gal would be upset too.  It upsets her and he is being selfish by acting as though it’s not a big deal.  Case closed.

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