(Closed) I got FI “cybering” with someone online, what to do?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
2220 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

This comes down to respect, because he’s really not cheating. If my Fiance wants to look at porn… fine by me. If he goes to a strip club with his buddies at a conference… I’m not going to scream. He is open and honest with me, so I trust him completely. He also doesn’t do these things often.

I’m sorry to say this, but your Fiance clearly does not respect your relationship or your feelings. For him to see this as okay & that he’s been HIDING it for years is insane. My first question would be “What else is he hiding?” and I’d be worried about once he gets bored with cybering…

Post # 63
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Aria, I used to cyber, both for *ahem* “fun” and as part of a storyline when I role-played with friends (for those not familiar, Yahoo! used to have awesome role-playing chat rooms and people would go there as various characters like elves, demons, angels, humans, and other various characters).  I don’t anymore because for one, I grew out of it.  Seems kind of teenager-ish to me.  Plus, I have a husband now, (for the record, I stopped cybering before I met now-hubby), and I WOULD consider it cheating for me to do that to him, or him to do it to me. 

To me, saying it’s okay to cyber as long as there’s no emotional connection to the person is like saying it’s okay for her FI to sleep with a prostitute as long as there’s no emotional connection.  Whether or not there is an emotional connection, he is ACTIVELY PARTICIPATING in the cyber-session with another individual.  Frankly, I doubt he is picturing his Fiance while doing this or he would include her in it, (either in real-life, or asking her to be the “other woman” online).  This is different than watching porn IMO, because like another Bee mentioned, porn is watching two ACTORS go at it.  There’s no active-participation.  The fact that he is choosing his words/actions when he cybers crosses the line in my book.

To the OP, you have my sympathy.  You need to decide where YOU stand on the issue and then have a heartfelt discussion with your Fiance.  To me, the fact that he completely blew you off like he did is a warning sign.  I would also consider counseling, but as yet another Bee mentioned, you need to decide if this is something you are potentially willing to deal with for the length of your marriage.

Post # 64
Member
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

yeah, that is wrong and cheating in my mind. I wouldn’t put up with that for one minute.

Post # 65
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Regardless of whether there was or wasn’t an emotional connection, it’s infidelity, period. You don’t have sex (cybersex or “real” sex) with a person that isn’t your gf or bf without calling it cheating, period.

Then, of course there can be various reasons for that, some “better” than others (for example, the bf cybers because his gf isn’t as available as he would like her to be, he needs “rougher” sex, etc). But there is NO WAY it can be denied that arousing another person and getting aroused by her by talking sex IS cheating.

And his reaction is even more disturbing…! Because there was no physical contact then there was no cheating? Are you kidding me?

It does happen to see a beautiful person and think “pretty!”. It does happen to think “If I weren’t with my SO I would hit on this person”. It does even happen to get aroused without wanting to. That’s all fine in my book.

But when one WILLINGLY engages in mutual arousal with a person who isn’t his partner, that’s cheating.

I would try to understand his reasons and see IF there is anything that can be done. And if there isn’t, I would run away from him as fast as I can with ZERO regrets.

Post # 66
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@ Adira, you said, Also @Bee-Bee, please don’t pass judgement on me when you don’t know me.  If my husband didn’t care if I cybered, then how would I be being disrespectful to him if I did?

I’m so sorry, let’s agree to disagree, because if your husband “does not care that you cyber” I would think there was something very wrong. Perhaps you are in one of those “open” relationships or you swap spouses with other couples or whatever your sexual prefernces…and that’s fine for you…but I cannot agree. I’m sorry. I could say to my Fiance “Go ahead, honey, I don’t care that you are talking sexy with another girl and then come to bed and make love to me!”. I COULD say that, but I would be lieing through my freakin teeth. OP’s Fiance has HER….what in the hell does he need to get aroused by another chick for online? Seriously ! If I want to get aroused, I turn to my honey….Not to cyber sex ! I wish OP would come back on here and give us all an update !

Post # 67
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Adira – Let me tell you, when you’re single and horny and cybering with someone online is one thing.. BUT WHEN YOU’RE ENGAGED AND DOING THAT, THEN IT’S A PROBLEM!!! Why would ANYONE in the right mind, go and have cyber sex with someone when they have a fiance at home.  I don’t care if it’s a fantasy or if it’s a fetish.. WHY HAVE A RELATIONSHIP if you’re unable to satisfy both of those things with your SO????? If I found out that my Fiance was (GOD FOBID) doing that.. I’d throw his ass out before he could say I’m sorry!!! And the fact that he responded to her so rudely… He should be glad he’s not my FI!!!!  IT’S WRONG! No matter which way you look at it.. I don’t care what kind of relationship they have (unless it’s an open relationship.. which doesn’t sound like it is).. IT’S ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY WRONG!!!!!!!! How can you even look at him after something like that???  

I can’t imagine anyone cyber sexin’ with someone and imagining it was their Fiance, meanwhile his Fiance is sitting near him and he’s not doing anything with her.. GET THE EFFF OUT OF HERE!!!!!!

 

Post # 68
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

150 % agree with Baby !

Post # 69
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Bee-Bee, I find

“I’m so sorry, let’s agree to disagree, because if your husband “does not care that you cyber” I would think there was something very wrong. Perhaps you are in one of those “open” relationships or you swap spouses with other couples or whatever your sexual prefernces…and that’s fine for you…but I cannot agree.”

to be extremely offensive.  I’m not saying that I do cyber, but I doubt my husband would care if I did.  I can understand perfectly where people might find it distasteful, just as people find watching porn and going to strip clubs distasteful.  But that doesn’t mean there is something “very wrong” with my relationship with my husband.  And comparing cybering to “swapping spouses with other couples” is uncalled for as they are completely different.  That’s like comparing getting a lap dance from a strip club to swapping spouses.  There are not the same.

If you are against cybering, then that’s fine, just as you being against porn or strip clubs is fine.  But if I’m not against them, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me, my husband, or our relationship.  It’s a matter of personal opinion and preference, and as long as both partners are in agreement with what’s okay and what’s not, then it’s really none of your business whether it’s okay or not.

Obviously the OP does have something against cybering, since she freaked out when she learned her Fiance was doing it.  I was merely offering a different perspective since almost everyone was jumping down his throat and saying he was cheating.  In my opinion, it really depends on the circumstances to determine if he’s cheating or not.  Maybe that doesn’t matter to you but matter it will matter to the OP and make her feel at least better about the situation, though obviously she needs to talk to her Fiance about it more.

“OP’s Fiance has HER….what in the hell does he need to get aroused by another chick for online? Seriously ! If I want to get aroused, I turn to my honey….Not to cyber sex !”

I think it’s quite clear that you would not turn to cyber-sex, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad.  Some people wouldn’t watch porn, go to strip clubs, or read steamy romance novels, but that doesn’t mean those things are bad or constitute of cheating.  I’ll often crack open a steam novel to get in the mood before pouncing my husband, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Post # 70
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Adira, read what Babychka wrote a couple posts above. She states it best.

For the record, I didn’t say there IS something wrong with your relationship, I said “I would think there would be something wrong unless you were in an open relationship”.

Cheers.

Post # 71
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Babychka

“IT’S ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY WRONG!!!!!!!!”

I think this is a pretty bold statement to say.  Not everything is so black and white and not every relationship is the same.  I could say the same thing about watching porn, or reading a steamy romance novel, but just because that might be my opinion on the matter, doesn’t make it so.

I agree that the OP probably does have a problem with this and that her and her Fiance need to have a serious discussion about it and what is okay and what isn’t in their relationship.  I also think that if you think it’s wrong, then that’s fine for you to think that and your SO hopefully wouldn’t do that.  But not everyone feels the same about everything, including this topic.

Post # 72
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Bee-Bee

“For the record, I didn’t say there IS something wrong with your relationship, I said “I would think there would be something wrong unless you were in an open relationship”.”

And I would have to disagree.  Cybering is not the same as actively having sex in-person with another person, and I don’t think it’s fair of you to compare them or insinuate that one is like the other.  They just aren’t the same.  Just as I can be okay with my husband watching porn but not having sex with other people, I could be okay with my husband cybering but not having sex with other people.

Post # 73
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

And back to what the OP actually posted…

In light of the fact that it bothers you, and because he was extremly dissmissive of your feelings, I would suggest that you discuss this with him again.  Maybe having a third party (read: counselor) present will be best given his callous reaction to your feelings.

good luck.

Edit: I am pretty sure that Adira posted her experience to help the OP – not to have her own relation critiqued

Post # 74
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Adira – good for you ! YAY ! CONGRATS ! What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I see now ! Thank you for enlightening me ! I will be sure to hop online tonight or tell my Fiance to hop online !”

Sorry but the point here is OP and she is upset. I hope she’s ok.

Post # 75
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh my god. Drama. Guys. Where is the OP anyway?? This thread has gotten totally derailed.

My two cents: The cyber is irrelevant at this point. Everyone has or WILL make mistakes at some point over the course of their marriage, this is the only sure thing about a lifetime commitment. The question comes in how we deal with them. If Fiance had said, “I’m so sorry it upset you – let’s talk about it”, that’s one thing. But he should not be disregarding how you feel, no matter what. Calm down is not a sensitive or appropriate way to respond to your feeling hurt, and that is what concerns me more than anything.

Good luck dear – keep us posted. xoxo

Post # 76
Member
958 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

The OP is obviouly not ok with it, so whether or not the Hive thinks it’s cheating or acceptable or whatever is irrelevant.  cybering, porn, etc is a grey area for a lot of people, but the bottom line is that it’s up to the couple to determine how okay they are with those things. 

There needs to be a massive open conversation about this in the OP’s house.  I would not be ok with it, but they need to get on the same page, and STAT.

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