(Closed) I got FI “cybering” with someone online, what to do?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Hey bees, I think maybe we should refocus on helping the poster before arguing with each other. Everyone has their own point of view, to some this would be cheating, to others its not. From what was posed, sexisammy4u isn’t ok with what her Fiance is doing & she’s looking for help on what to do. We don’t need to justify or badmouth her Fiance, or argue with each other, so my opinion is if you don’t agree with another poster, that’s fine but let’s not derail someone else’s posting, I’m sure the OP is looking for some help & guidance & support right now. Just seems its starting to turn into a fued between some bees instead of supporting the bee who posted this.

Post # 78
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Bee-Bee, I’m not at all trying to get you to agree with me.  I understand that we disagree on this subject.  My point merely was that some of your (and other’s) comments were disrespectful to people who have a different opinion than you, and I just wanted to point that out, incase you were unaware.  I’m sorry if I offended you in any way.

Unfortunately, the OP really didn’t post that much about that situation, so it’s hard for us to figure out what’s going on or what she should do.  I gave my opinion of cybering and how I believe it’s not all bad in hopes of relieving her of what was happening, and giving her some insight into some questions she could ask him.  I later asked the Bees about their own experiences with cybering since so many people seemed quick to say that he was cheating, even though the OP mentioned that she doesn’t think it’s “cheating,” but she still didn’t like it.  Then I felt attacked for trying to defend the action, which, in my opinion, is all bad, like I’ve said before.

I hope that my questions, and other Bees comments, have helped the OP, and that she can approach the discussion with her Fiance with a better understanding and some good questions to ask him, so they can figure out what’s going on and what’s right for their relationship.

Sorry to everyone I might have offended – I was just trying to offer a different perspective.

Good luck @sexisammy4u – I hope it all works out and you give us an update soon.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 79
Member
521 posts
Busy bee

Sexisammy4u– How are you doing? How are you feeling about all this?

Post # 80
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

IMO its cheating.  While its not a pysical connection with someone else it is def a mental connection.  Which makes you wonder would it turn into a physical connection if he was int he same room as her.

My first Long Term relationship ended due to cybersex.  I had lived with him for 2 years out of state from my family.  I went home to see my sister when she was due to have her 2nd child, and while I was there my grandfather died.  So i ended up being away for 2 months.

When I returned home he wasnt there, and I logged on to our computer to check email.  I was confronted by the picture of another wioman as the desktop, I freaked, and trawled the computer.  I found a whole heap of saved conversations and photos from several different people….including men…….

I left, IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!  About a year later I checked an old email account and found an email from a guy from the states asking questions about my ex.  I still contacted him and was told that my ex and his wife hooked up online and feel in love.  She flew to Australia to meet him and be with him.  He pulled a knife on her and threatened that is she ever left he would kill her and then himself. OMG!!! and I lived with that freak!!!

She called the police, and I believe went back to her husband!  But Cybersexing can get very real (and scary) very quickly!!!!

Post # 81
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Let me get this straight…you are not in a long-distance relationship, or out of town and far away; you actually live together, and you are in the next room, and he is spending his time creating some fantasy sexual encounter with another women??? While you are real, living, and breathing, and a few yards away???

How the heck is that ok??? And how is that being faithful to you and to the life that you two have created in your home??? ?!?!?!?

The fact is that he could be spending this time with you, being intimate with you…and, not to be graphic, but was he aroused or not? (Re: his excuse that it is ‘only a game.’)

And also–Adira, I couldn’t disagree more.

Post # 82
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Not only would I consider that cheating, but his response was dismissive, disrespectful,  insulting and insensitive. I would certainly question whether you want to be married to someone who responds to you like that.  If you haven’t had another conversation by now, I would suggest having one and addressing how he responded. Do you want him justifying all his behaviors like that?  I am so sorry you are dealing with this when you should be enjoying an engagement, but better now than after a wedding.

Post # 83
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wow, this is such a touchy subject. I guess it would depend on each couple individually. I think I get what you are saying Adira about some couples, who for example watch porn together and that kind of thing.

In OPs situation its obvioulsy not something she wants him to continue or share. I always felt that as a couple you should be open in your relationship and talk about sexuality as well – what makes you tick, your fantasies, things you want out of your sex life. It doesnt mean every couple will agree. I have had to say no to my husband a couple times. Not everyone is comfortable with everything. Maybe OP’s fiance is embarrased and blew her feelings off as defence mechanism??? Maybe not..I just know that when I feel guilty sometimes I get defensive right away.

Either way, I think all the posters have given the OP alot of things to think about – for one how different everyones relationship is. Some couples share their sexual fantasies (no matter how outrageous), others don’t.

Thanks Adira for being brave and putting your thoughts out there. I know I would be uncomfortable if my husband was having cyber sex but that doesnt mean that all couples are bothered by that kind of thing. I think from a lot of other posters perspective, other than the fact that they think its cheating, is him not getting her involved in his sexual desires or including her in his fantasies. Maybe she would say no, and thats fine. But I do think its important for couples to share their sexual desires with each other.

Anyways, I hope that you (OP) think about what you want from the relationship, what you consider inappropriate behaviour and then talk to him about what he wants from the relationship and what he considers appropriate behaviour. I hope that you can both find an equal ground and respect how the other person feels. Good luck!!!!!!!!!

Post # 85
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

Wow – I am so sorry. This is NOT okay, and I’m glad to hear you stood up for yourself. 

I would suggest that y’all maybe look into couples counseling. It sounds like he isn’t willing to listen to how much this is hurting you, so if you want to make it work, he needs to understand that this isn’t okay!

Post # 86
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That is terrible and I am so sorry.  I hope he is able to mature about everything and work things out if that is what you decide you want.  This sounds like way more than something he does just to get aroused.  Best of luck ๐Ÿ™

Post # 87
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sweetie!!

Calm down! *Hugs*

It’s OKAY, I swear. I liked an earlier response that read…

“If he isn’t cheating on you, and you have a good relationship, you can ask him to keep it on the DL because it makes you uncomfortable. The only time I’d take real issue with it is if you are having problems with your sex life and he’s “taking care of him self” too often.”

 

So yeah, his response was crappy, typical, and very low-to-average male… but it’s no reason to toss him to the curb (in my opinion). IF (yes, IF) you HAD a great relationship before this came to light, I think that is going to determine the outcome here. Also, you need to either decide if it truly bothers you that he actively plays out his fantasies online.

Personally, I honestly would just shrug it off and chalk it up to men being… well… men.

I hope I am not offending anyone by “defending him”… I would NEVER want you to be in a situation that is unhealthy for you (or him!) But, women tolerate a lot of childish BS from their guys, and I just think intersexting is a silly reason to throw him/your relationship out.

 

If it were me, I would call him. Remind him that his sorry butt is LUCKY to be able to put that ring back on your finger (if you choose to go that route) and he better be kissing the ground you walk on for quite some time.

He also needs to “take care of himself” BY HIMSELF. That means NOT WITH YOU AROUND. AT ALL. EVER.

All things needs rules and boundaries… he crossed the comfort line… and he needs to recognize that.

Post # 88
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m so sorry!  You must be a wreck right now.  The fact that he keeps calling you means he wants to make amends.  Believe me, if a guy doesn’t care, he won’t bother calling again and again.  I think if you have a face-to-face conversation with him at this point, you will both be very high-strung and no good will come of it.  You need to spend a day or two apart, wait until your head cools down, and then write down how it makes you feel when he cybers with other girls online.  Sometimes explaining things on paper is better than having a conversation in person.

Post # 89
Member
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@ sexisammy4u: I’m so glad to hear you sat down to have a conversation with him.  I’m also so sorry you are going through all of this right now! If I was in your situation I would feel hurt, disrepected, and cheated on if my man was doing this to me.  And the fact that there’s naked pictures involved, it escalate those feelings for me.  Personally, this would all be a dealbreaker in my relationship.  Now in your relationship, you’re the only one who can decide whether or not this is all a dealbreaker for you.  If you can stay at your sister’s house for a few days, maybe that would help you gather your thoughts, but with whatever you decide, it sounds like you need to at least have one more conversation with your Fiance where you talk about either things being over or you talking about how things could be worked out.  Sending you hugs and let us know if you need anything! 

 

Post # 90
Member
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow. I had to read sammy’s last post several times and I literally cannot believe this. I can’t believe he is LISTENING TO HER on a mic while you are in the room! I would be done. I’m normally not so blunt but for me, personally, that is way way wayyyyyyyyyyy over the line.

Post # 91
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I don’t have any advice, but I wish you the best.

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