(Closed) I got FI “cybering” with someone online, what to do?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh my goodness!

Hopefully he will take some time and realise what he is doing to you!

Or you will realise you are better off without him!

I hope it all works out for you!

 

Post # 93
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Ooof, this sounds like a very male response from him, and we’d really have to be able to hear his tone and read his body language.  From your descriptions of his responses, it sounds like he’s not the eloquent type, and not super at conveying his emotions to you.

Cyber ‘chat’ is just that – text.  Adding voice chat and pictures is another layer of complexity.

My question would be how did he ask you about the three way question?  While I agree that it was a shitty response and would have made me pretty pissed off, he may have been honestly inviting you to see what his world is like – what he does, and inviting you in rather than excluding you.  It *may* not be a bad idea to suggest to him to do a two way session with just you two, rather than a three way with another girl.  Find out what gets him off with this stuff.  Then again, he could be scum bagging it.

I think a lot of people here other than Adira are thinking like a girl, when we may need to be thinking like a man.  We need to know his motivation and real reasons for doing things.  Another thing to think about is how your sex life is at home with him.  Are you both getting enough and what you want out of it?  Is this just a hobby he doesn’t want to kick?

I think the time apart will hopefully cause him to think about the real consequences of his internet actions.  Eventually boys have to grow up past 16.  Maybe with time it could be an activity you both participate in together – or maybe it is a total deal breaker.  Be open to listening to what he has to say if he actually gives you anything of substance, but stand with your convictions!

 

Post # 94
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

@Stefanieastronaut I find it very offensive that you are throwing such a blanket statement over all men saying that just because some men have done this then it shouldn’t be an issue and you don’t find it to be detramental to a relationship. This is not men being men this is an asshole being an asshole. Speak for yourself because my man would NEVER act like this.

OP I think that you should keep your distance. If he thinks that you bringing up your honost discomfort should lead to a 3 way he is delusional. You did the right thing by walking away!

Post # 95
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I find it interesting that the majority of posters here think ‘cybering’ is cheating.  But, he asked her to do it with him, so its not the ‘anything you can’t do in front of me is cheating’ kind of cheating.  Yet with other posts on porn or strip clubs here, the majority of posters say that all men watch porn or go to strip clubs, and they know nothing will really happen, so what’s the problem.  Is the difference here that the other women aren’t getting paid?  So you’re worried that they might actually want your man in person?  I’m just not fully following how this relates.  I’d love it if someone could explain how they feel about this. 

Not trying to criticize at all, and all due respect to the OP.  I know this is hard and I’m so sorry.  It sounds like he did not believe he was disrespecting you though, maybe to him it is the same as porn/strip club/etc.

Post # 96
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

For me, I would end it.  However, @silverbrooke gives really good advice.

Post # 97
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

@sexisammy4you

This is just awful, I am so sorry. The fact that your Fiance sees no problem with his actions makes this all the more destined for a poor outcome. How long have you two been together? and how has he kept this from you for all this time? His behavior is unexcusable. I would look further into if he has followed through on any of these behaviors in person. Good Luck

Post # 98
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

It seems like a lot of bees feel “cybering”is totally unacceptable and cheating. I’m just curious though, ssn’t it pretty much the same as a guy watching porn in the sense that it’s not “real” and there is nothing physcial.

I’m not ok with either of them but I’m wondering why “cybering” seems like a much bigger crime than if he were watching porn in the the room next door.

Post # 99
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

@Ms.Scarlet: I think that cybering is worse b/c he’s interacting with another human being, emotional affairs can occur.  Since he’s sending pics and audio, it makes it an even deeper interaction.  I also think porn is unacceptable but that’s what Fiance and I agreed on.

Post # 100
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@MS Scarlet IMO cybering is different because there is another person that u r actually interacting with. With porn you are just watching something that u have no true way of being a part of. In this case the inclusion of naked pictures and being able to hear the  woman he has been cybering with makes it that much worse. @sexisammy4you I  am sorry  that u r dealing with  this, I  would definitely feel betrayed especially because he has taken it to  a whole other level. I am not one to tell u to get rid of him because  every relationship is flawed, but I will say this. There are certain bad habits that people just can’t seem to shake. Even if he stopped cybering on your demand,  he  may not stop for good. You have to decide if he couldn’t stop or if he at some point relapsed  would your marriage survive it? Best wishes and HUGS to you!

Post # 101
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I only read your original post, but this sounds terrible.  Sex/porn can be a very bad addiction and cyber sex is probably the gateway to that.  I would recommend counseling for him, or both of you together to talk it out.

Post # 102
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@beekiss2, thank you for clarifying. I was curious along the same lines as @camel_bride. I had a huge problem in finding out my SO was interested in strip clubs and really liked porn and turning to the hive I got a lot of nice advice on how to not sweat over it but when cybering came up it seems like no one is on board with it.

I would have thought cybering would be similar to watching porn and strip clubs if it were just meeting random people and just exchanging text.

I really feel sorry for the OP and I honestly wouldn’t know how to deal with it. For me you don’t have to be able to grow emotions with the other party to be considered unacceptable.

Post # 103
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I can’t believe how many people are arguing about whether this is cheating or not instead of offering support to the OP. If it makes her uncomfortable her Fiance should at least try to understand her point of view.

I just read your update, OP. I’m sorry but he sounds like a douche. I can’t believe he asked you to go home and have a cyber threesome. And he was listening to this girl talking via his headset and they were cybering when you were right there? Super creep. 

It seems as though he has no regard for your feelings and is only concerned with his own sexual pleasures. If I were you I’d make the quickest beeline out of that relationship you’ve ever seen. 

Best of luck. 

Post # 104
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

In my opinion, I think it is wrong. He didn’t tell you about it, you found it up, and it doesn’t matter if it was online, on the phone, or in person. You are creating a sexual fantasy with someone other than your future intended. That IS cheating. I don’t care how many people disagree with me. Freaking gross.

Post # 105
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Miss Scarlet, exactly, that’s what I was confused about too.

@punky, it matters because there is an overiding theme here of “dump him asap, he is cheating!!”, whereas when bees want advice on porn/strip clubs, they’re usually told how to deal, not to leave their partner.  It matters because whether or not it is ‘considered’ cheating changes the advice the OP is given, and she came here for advice.

OP, I’m sorry he is being so insensitive to your feelings – to me, that is definitely a problem.  You deserve someone who cares how his actions affect you.

Post # 106
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry sexysammie4u, you deserve so much better. In my case, this would be a deal breaker because this is happening before you are even married. In 20 years voice-involved sexual overtures and nude pictures seem like they could easily slip into a flesh and blood affair. In addition, if he has been doing this since he was 16 and you had no idea, he must be REALLY good at hiding it, so goodness knows how easy an affair would be to hide from you down the road.

If I were you, I would stay at my sister’s, not answer his calls, and find somewhere else to live and find a fabulous man who will treat you the way you should be treated when you are ready. I am so sorry sweetie, I wish I could give you a hug. There is someone out there whose ideas of fidelity match yours more closely, and who will be more concerned with you than arousal through a computer and a strange woman. Run honey, run. 

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