(Closed) I got FI “cybering” with someone online, what to do?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

OMG sexisammy4u, I just read your update and I am so sorry to hear how it’s turned out. No matter what anyone else says, his actions definitely make you feel horrible and IT’S NOT RIGHT for him to make you feel that way! Most women, myself included feel the same exact way as yourself! It’s disprespectful, insensitive, and ignoring your concerns is just outright selfish!

I think you should take this time to reassess the relationship. Is cybering an obssession for him? Can he stop anytime? Is he willing to stop? It might seem like cybering is more important to him than your relationship, but guys can be slow sometimes … you have to SPELL IT OUT for him. If you aren’t OK with it, tell him and let him choose. If it is a problem, then I don’t see it any different from other obsessions. You will need outside help …

But even after all that, you have to ask yourself if you’re willing to work it out. This is a very personal question that only you can decide. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but the bright side is you found out NOW instead of later.

Surround yourself with friends and family right now! Be strong! *HUGS*

Post # 108
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have to add that NOT ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS – so it’s deinitely not something you just have to get used to. Some people will say that every man watches porn and the ones that aren’t just hide it better. I honestly used to think this as well, because it was so common. Then I met my Fi …

I don’t know if it’s a matter of lifestyle, upbringing, hobbies, cultural, or what, but definitely NOT all men do this, nor want to!

Post # 109
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have to agree with Vitsippa. The “Men being men” excuse is a total cop out because not all men are like this!

The fact is that, despite you making it clear that it’s not cool with you, he still thinks there is nothing wrong with it. This makes me think that he is pretty unlikely to stop doing it. And even if he says he will stop, I think that it is more likely that he will just become more secretive about it, judging by his actions. The fact that he has been doing it for years and has never mentioned it means he KNOWS you wouldn’t like it. Now he has just spun the whole scenario around to try and make you look like the bad guy, because he has been caught out.

You poor thing, this is such a horrible thing to have happen. It seems like you are strong enough and smart enough to make the right decision.

Good luck!

Post # 110
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

OP I am so sorry to hear about your update. He said all of the wrong things- even if he wanted to let you into his world by asking for a threesome (ugh, that just sounds so wrong!), it was not the right time to do so. He is being completely insensitive. I hope you are taking a little “you” time right now as well as evaluating the relationship. If you don’t want it to end I suggest counseling. Big hugs, you are so strong for bringing it up to him! The hive is here if you need us!

Post # 111
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am so sorry he wasn’t more understanding after your talk 🙁 Again, it might not be ACTUAL cheating, but the fact he could continue do to something that he knows bothers you and hurts you says something about the type of person he is. He just doesn’t seem as involved and emotionally invested into your relationship. I think you’ll be better off, it sucks now but in the long run now is better then later on. <3 I wish the best for you though and again I am sorry 🙁 This stuff sucks.

Post # 112
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m sorry to hear this. His response was incredibly disrespectful and very nonchalant. =(

Post # 113
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Well if it makes the OP uncomfortable he should have made a reasonable effort to compromise on the issue instead of saying “I’ve been doing this for so many years. Deal with it.”

Personally, I don’t consider it cheating. I don’t conside Cam2Cam, BIE/PIE, porn, or (on the girl’s side) romance novels to be cheating either. Girls act like we don’t have fantasies about being with other men and getting all hot and bothered by it (hell if Daniel Craig fell from the sky, there is NO way he’d be leaving my house). If it started impacting my sex life, then I might be a little bothered about it and talk with the SO to come to some sort of arrangement.

That being said, if it makes someone uncomfortable then it needs to be addressed. Since he was unwilling to compromise even a bit, the OP decided that was a deal breaker and left. That was her choice and now she needs to move forward with that decision. Nothing right or wrong about her choice.

Post # 114
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

Wow sorry to hear that.  Kudos to you for trying to be the bigger person and having a civilized discussion with him about it.  Sorry he couldn’t stop being self-centered for 2 seconds and see how much you were hurting.  Guess he probably realizes now.  I think you’re doing the right thing by taking a breather and trying to sort things out. 

Post # 115
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

LaughingFirst, i would say to let him know about it, and let him know that this isn’t something you will tolerate. Second, not to blog about it because everyone (myself included) has an opinion and will clutter your head with advice. Being engaged is practice for marriage. “For better or worst”, this union is between you and him and thats how it should be handled. Best of luck.

Post # 116
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I read your update and couldn’t believe my eyes and good for you for standing up for yourself ! I also read the update sensing that your Fiance is extremely immature. Hopefully his many calls mean that he has come to his senses. Please let us know? Thinking of you !

Post # 117
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

the fact that he was so dismissive and disrespectful of your concerns and feelings is such a huge red flag. in my point of view, when you really love someone, you do everything you can not to hurt them, because hurting them hurts yourself. i’m with adira in thinking that if it doesn’t break the boundaries of your relationship, and if you’re on the same page, it’s not necessarily cheating or a deal breaker, but his disregard for you, and complete asshole-ish response would be, for me. good for you for standing up to him–you deserve someone who treats you with love and respect.

Post # 118
Member
4122 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I read your OP the other day, I didn’t want to jump into a heated thread, but I wouldn’t have been OK with that, or his response. I’m glad you went to talk to him, but my goodness, his response and “views” of what he is doing is ridiculous. I will add the disclaimer, I am a no porn/no strip club minded person, as is my Fiance. Vitsippa is right, not all guys are like that!

This all started with is it cheating or not, he’s “online chatting” (i.e. keyboard) with women. Those who argued it may not be cheating, mentioned if he’s not sending pictures, if he doesn’t know the girl, and it’s just words the line may not be crossed. Well, now he’s sending pics of himself, and SPEAKING with the people he’s doing this with!? If he’s been doing this since he was 16, I’m sure many of these girls are “long term” “chat hook ups.” In fact, I got really concerned when I read

“I asked who initiated the conversations, he said “sometimes me sometimes her”.”

It sounds as if there is a long term “booty call” going on.

Bottom line, He’s been doing this for 8 years. He has no intention of ending, he wants to now maybe bring you in to “see” what “his world” is like. The boy is addicted, plain and simple. 

From my POV, you have two choices.

a) Talk to him, tell him how not OK this is, and that the wedding is on hold (not off) but he has to go to counseling for addiction and that the two of you will see another counselor for your relationship. If he can end his addiction you will consider moving on with the marriage. Even if you do take this route though, I consider this a very dangerous path… I’ve had family members get screwed by guys who “did what they had to do” in order to get married and then once their married… well, what’s the point? 

b) Gather the strength, tell him that it’s not OK, you deserve so much more (which is true, you deserve HEAPS better than this!!!) and that it’s over.

Personally, I would choose B.  You deserve so much more than this. Many hugs, thoughts, and prayers to you.  

 

Post # 119
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

Honestly, I would be done. Why? Not because of what he did per se, but based on his repsonses and lack of regard for your feelings/opinions AND I sense a future cheater. (Sorry, but I do)  When you confronted him and he said, “You are who I go home to” or something like that…well, THAT put up a big, big, giant red flag! (To me that means, “I can do anything during the day because I’ll be with you at night”..that worries me) And then we he recommended a cyber threesome? Are you kidding me? I would be done right there! How horrible he was to disrespect your feelings and make things worse by suggesting YOU get involved??? In his mind, if you join in, then he can continue this obsession or hobby of his. Sick! I’m sorry, but I don’t see how this could get better and in my mind, would only get worse. And I really, really see him as having a strong likelihood of cheating in the future. One of the previous posters said, “What happens when he gets bored of the cyber thing”? I feel that way too…what then? I think he has major issues and the fact that he doesn’t want to stop, doesn’t respect your feelings, omg…he really needs help.

And just to add, what he did (cyber) is a level of cheating in my opinion. That would NOT be ok with me AT ALL.  I think it’s just awful! But I still think his reaction to you was the worst of it. I’m soooo sorry…

Post # 120
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

OK, first off, I’m firmly in the “cyber sex is cheating” camp. If some women don’t care that their men are doing stuff like this, that is absolutely their prerogative, but obviously it does bother you and you have every right to be angry about it and to ask that he stop! He made it pretty clear that he DOES NOT CARE that it hurts you. I think that is even more disturbing than the whole cyber sex thing.

I do not agree that “all men do this and women should just accept it”. That is complete and utter bullshit. Any man that cannot keep a reasonable curb on his sexuality, especially to honour the woman he says he loves, is not a real man. Again, if a couple agrees to watch porn together or is OK with the other using porn, that is one thing. But if one partner is clearly not OK with it and says so, then the other one needs to choose whether they want a real relationship with a real person or they’d rather just gratify themselves in these other ways.

That’s what I believe. I cannot advise you what to do, but I am praying that you will make the best decision for you. (((hugs)))

Post # 121
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry this is happening to you.. however, you did the right thing!!!  There is NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER why he’s doing this..and especially why he’s saying it’s no big deal and inviting you to do it with him.. It’s almost like a funny movie where the guy says “Hey, you don’t want me to cheat.. so let’s have a 3some with the chick”.. YEAH OKAY!!!!! 

Also, someone commented that you should turn your back on it and pretend like it’s not happening because it’s a “MAN THING”.. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a b****, but WHO ARE YOU DATING??? I’ve never in my life been with a man who treated me like this…nor would I ever want to.  If he has to go out there and get satisfied by anyone other then me.. then he needs to pack his sh*t and STAY THERE! End of story!  Why in the world would you want to turn your back on something like this?  It’s serious stuff.. He has sexual fantasies about another woman.. Not only is he cybering with her, but he’s sending her nude pics of himself and she’s letting him listen to her…WHAAAAAAAT????? That’s straight up cheating!!!!  Does the man need to physically go out there and screw her for it to be considered cheating? Come on!!!  

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