(Closed) I got groped at a club

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Smmg:  I don’t think you’re overreacting or even overreacted at the time to what happened.  But I also don’t think you should give the situation too much power and stay locked inside.

One time at a hockey game while pushing through a crowd of people, a guy walked up infront of me and grabbed my…crotch.  Like cupped and squeezed hard, and then just kept going.  Unfortunately my gigantic husband was a few people in front of me and walking so he didn’t see, and I couldn’t even find the guy if I wanted to.

It’s a terrible feeling.  I’m pretty tough about things, and I tend to let stuff slide but I couldn’t shake it for a while, it’s violating.  I can’t imagine how you feel after also being robbed at gunpoint just a short while before this.

Anyhow, while I understand you being afraid and wanting to hide at home, I think that only gives the creep more power, and takes over your life.  Don’t let it.

Post # 19
Member
3075 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

That’s so stupid & frustrating! You are not over reacting!! 🙁 I’m so sorry op, I’d be furious as well 🙁

Post # 20
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I know this probably doesn’t really help you emotionally, but I think it might sort of make you feel better at “getting them back” if you can. Did you pay for the bottle service with credit card? I would file a dispute with my credit card company. I have done it countless times before and I haven’t always won every dispute, but this is a customer service thing and they will sometimes refund your money for bad customer service. I used to be the billing manager at a very small company and the boss’s wife went out for dinner with about 15 people and the restaurant messed up all their orders and gave them really bad service and the manager did nothing about it, so we wrote a letter detailing everything to the cc company and they refunded the $1800 charge. I know you don’t care to get your money back, but it’s sort of a big “f u” to the company – he was a paying customer so you’re going to support him sexually assaulting people? fine, then I won’t be a paying customer anymore and I won’t be financially supporting you, either. I wouldn’t want a company like that getting my money.

Aside from that – if he’s a paying customer and the manager saw it happen and the bouncers stopped it, then even without a video, there should be an eyewitness who can ID him. I understand that if he’s unable to get a name for the guy – yes, he’s going to have to close the case.

I think you have some other good advice – some counseling, some self defense classes (or martial arts in general), etc. It really sucks, I don’t blame you for being scared.

Another option to consider – if you made police reports for the armed robbery and the assault, you should ask either detectives that are assigned to your case if they have counseling service. Usually, there are victim services. Maybe there’s an office like Safe Passage or Safe Horizon or something along those lines that offers counseling in your area for crime victims for free. If not, there are websites you can check into that will help you find counselors and let you know what their prices are – I know I’ve seen some before for like $35 a session. It’s not too much if it means you start to feel more comfortable, you know?

Sorry this happened to you – best of luck. Hope this has helped in some way. :/

Post # 22
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

You’re not overreacting. 

I used to work at a job where I was the only person on duty. It was across the street from a bar and I was constantly being drooled on and groped whenever I got out from behind my register to do the rest of my tasks. This one guy used to hang around and sexually harass me to the point where other customers noticed and offered to call the police. This guy didn’t drive, so I knew he couldn’t follow me home. But he was a gross pest. One night while I was there alone with him he chased another customer out of the parking lot so he could continue to be alone with me and when I told him to leave he threatened rape, so of course I called the cops.

When the police showed up they didn’t even look at me! Didn’t ask me any questions, nothing. Just acted all buddy-buddy with this asshole and offered him a ride home. That was the most disempowering part of that entire shitshow. 

I wish i had followed up, but like you, I didn’t have the energy at the time. I quit the job and found out a few years later that he finally got in trouble for doing the same thing to another girl that worked there. 

Post # 23
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@Smmg:  I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I would feel the same way. I had one bad experience years ago when drunk and have never gotten drunk since..I barely drink now! So I know what you mean. Take some time to feel this way, then take some time to start moving past it. As long as you don’t stay in your apt forever,I think this is completely normal.

Post # 24
Member
2909 posts
Sugar bee

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@bitsybee:  +1 It wouldn’t hurt if you left a Yelp review in addition to your Fiance (if you can do it without compromising your emotional health) – people who might go to the club would benefit from knowing what kind of place it is and how the management very inappropriately handles incidents like this. It’s not possible to prevent stuff like this from happening (or it’s very difficult) but it IS possible to handle it appropriately afterwards.

Post # 25
Member
1632 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I took a Rape Agression Defense class offered by my local poluce department. It was so empowering. You shiuld seek somethinng like that out.  Just because the bouncers disagreed with you doesn’t mean you couldnt call the police.

Post # 26
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Smmg:  you poor thing! I am so sorry that happened to you. I would feel the exact same way. How do you feel about guns? I understand when people aren’t comfortable with them, but to be honest I have really enjoyed learning how to shoot a gun and I’m planning on getting my own this summer. Fiance is very skilled with a gun too and has several. It makes me feel extremely safe, and makes me feel like I could defend myself if someone was threatening my life. 

Post # 27
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Smmg:  I think you should publicly out this club. That jerkoff sexually assaulted you and they let him go and kick YOU out of the club For defending yourself? Look into pressing charges against them. Call their corporate office and demand action. 

 

Post # 28
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Smmg:  I forgot to add that I’m sorry you went through that and the robbery.

the reason I recommend you follow up is because Im so outraged that this type of thing is still tolerated and still blamed on the woman! If the guy who assaulted you was “a paying customer” then the club can identify him. I’d even ask the police if the club can be charged with anything since they witnessed a crime and didn’t do anything about it.

contact a local news organization and ask if they’d be interested on doing a story about women’s safety in local clubs. Write a letter to the paper advising women to avoid Club X since they tolerate sexual assault and punish the victims. 

Post # 29
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Zhabeego:  + 100 I hate that this type of thing still happens and people get away with it. Other women need to know what they’re dealing with when they go to this type of club. I’m no Olivia Benson, but if it happens once, it will probably happen again. 

 

I also second all of the suggestions about taking a class on self-defense/awareness + going to counseling. 

I am so sorry you are shaken up and I hope that you start to regain some normalcy soon. 🙁 

Post # 30
Member
956 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Smmg:  I would call the club manager and calmly tell them what happened and how you didn’t feel safe in their club because when you were assaulted, the bouncers didn’t do anything to help or protect you.

Personally, getting that off my chest would make me feel a lot better about the situation.

Then, I would take some self defense classes, get some pepper spray, and find some friends in my new city that I can call if anything happens.

Is it possible to start saving up for a car? Or can you use a carshare program for times when you need to go places at night and you aren’t comfortable getting on the bus?

Post # 31
Member
3518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with PPs about following up on the club’s reaction to the incident.  In the light of day, contact the owner of the club and let him/her know what happened.  If it helps, write it all out and email it (call the club and say you want to send him an email regarding great service and your upcoming Yelp review).  Don’t try to do it at night, when there are patrons there, it will be too hectic.  Give him an opportunity to address it with you somehow, at the very least apologize to you.  I think part of your empowerment will come from acknowledgement of the incident and an apology.

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